tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62933100202644335942024-03-13T21:21:31.063-07:003rd EYE VISION QUESTLebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.comBlogger86125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-66206290856928868862014-05-07T19:57:00.002-07:002014-05-07T22:02:43.989-07:00Jesus said in heaven there's not that much to do....It's been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time....<br />
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It's been well over a year and a half since I blogged. Not sure why I stopped. I just didn't feel like venting anymore. A lot has happened since then but then again... not that much.<br />
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I was out of work for well over a year. I interviewed for hundreds of jobs, some up to 3 times but never got an offer. So many times I was built up over an opportunity only to be let down. I shed many tears while I was on unemployment. It's the age and it's damn competitive up here in the Bay area and my resume is funky. I sort of fell into marketing while I was on my way to getting a supporting role in a long-running TV series. <br />
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Just after I barely got the final tier of unemployment extensions before it was discontinued, I ended up getting a contracting job through a networking group. Funny thing is the person who got me the job was just like me only about 15 years older. She studied theatre, lived in LA (even worked at the same Hollywood studio as I did), moved up here and sort of fell into marketing. I got to work from home in my jammies while blasting music and sometimes sipping wine. Pay wasn't great but it wasn't bad and I had 5,000 shares of stock and the best part was that this company was going somewhere. Really, it was!<br />
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Then I learned that Silicon Valley is a lot like Hollywood. How many films get produced but never get picked up for distribution? Answer: a whole fucking lot. Films that never see the light of day... kind of like this company.<br />
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I got my walking papers a few days before Thanksgiving. My boss was sorry. I was doing a great job but they still had no clients and couldn't afford to pay me. Maybe in six months when they got their legs under them.... but six months never came. Two months later, I heard that more people were let go and now it's kaput. So sad as I really was excited about that company and the people I worked with were truly brilliant. Real achievers. My boss was nominated for a Pulitzer. <br />
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Being canned a couple of days before Thanksgiving---a stupid holiday where people without family are tortured by the blitz of "family" bullshit that American culture and the media shove down our throats around that time---sucks. It was also around the anniversary of my mom's death. And only a few weeks earlier, my neighbors who had become the closest thing to family that I had experience since my mom died decided to buy a house about 2.5 hours away and left. It was just me and Magic in this empty old house through the holiday months. I was able to resume my long term unemployment since I had been contracting on a 1099 status but then on 12/28 good old congress fucked me in the ass and cancelled EUC. There were only a few more weeks left on my claim anyway but still.... it would've helped.<br />
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I ended up putting out my resume like crazy and I ended up getting a job finally. Of course I had to collect food stamps first. It's not my dream job and it has its share of dysfunction but it sure as shit beats the last place I was at (excluding the contracting gig). I like my boss who is young but smart and respectful. Those millennials at the other place I worked at could take a lesson from her. Incidentally, I heard from my boss from back then and the millennial shitheads who made my life such hell ultimately ended up fucking him over and he wanted to apologize for what happened and would I like to come back and work for him? Fortunately, I had already gotten my contractor gig and I politely declined (with a huge smile on my face). I reminded him of some of things they did to me and he said "why didn't you tell me?" Some people, I swear. In any case, I finally made peace with all the shit that happened back then in that job.<br />
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It's been more than 5 years since my mom died and I miss her still so much. Sunday is Mothers Day. I thought about taking myself to a spa, treating myself to a facial, a massage, some good champagne and a feast but then I woke up to reality and realized that it would cost a paycheck to do it up right. I think I will simply work in my garden, burn a candle for mom and remember her.<br />
<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-61361970757484114552012-09-29T11:11:00.001-07:002012-09-29T11:11:17.929-07:00Vegan Baked Penne recipe - this is good, people!!I've been absent for weeks now---focusing on other stuff. I've done the elliptical everyday for two weeks (except one day). Not sure how much weight I've lost but I've definitely lost a lot as my clothes are all baggy.<br />
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The other day my neighbor gave me a bag of fresh-picked tomatoes from her garden along with an invitation to help myself to the basil plant. This inspired me to concoct a super awesome vegan dish that I have to share. I mean, this dish totally rocked. It was also the first time I've had pasta since before I went on my juice fast.<br />
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Incredients:<br />
5 cups cherry tomatoes<br />
1 yellow onion<br />
1 bunch (large branch) basil<br />
8 cloves garlic <br />
Oregano, sea salt and other seasonings.<br />
1/2 cup vodka <br />
Vegan Gourmet Mozzarella cheese (Follow Your Heart)<br />
Tofutti<br />
Yves Ground Round<br />
Dreamsfield penne pasta (I use dreamsfield because it's low carb)<br />
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Start with the marinara sauce:<br />
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First, take the skin off about 5 cups of cherry tomatoes. (It's easy if you put them in boiling water for a minute before transporting them to ice cold water---the skin will just fall right off). Once skinned, I processed the tomatoes and put them in a crock pot.<br />
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Saute one yellow onion along with 8 garlic cloves. Put sauteed mix in crock pot.<br />
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Take a bunch of fresh basil, chop finely and put in crock pot.<br />
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Add sea salt, black pepper and oregano and other seasons to taste (I use something called Everyday Seasoning from Trader Joe's).<br />
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Add a half cup of vodka. This will extract additional locked flavors. <br />
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Cook on low for 5 hours. Timing with slow cookers are subjective based on brand and size. My "low" becomes more of a high as it starts lightly boiling after a few hours. This is usually when I know it's done.<br />
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Dissolve a half container of Tofutti cream cheese into the mixture along with one package of Yves Ground Round.<br />
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Boil a box of low carb pasta from Dreamsfield til al dente. Then mix with marinara/ground round concoction.<br />
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Spread in a baking pan or casserole dish and top with a layer of shredded Vegan Gourmet mozzarella cheese. The brand I use is from Follow Your Heart.<br />
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Cover with foil and baked in preheated 350 oven for 20 minutes. Remove foil and bake for another 10 minutes.<br />
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You are done. Sprinkle with nutritional yeast for extra flavor.<br />
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For a pasta junkie like me who had been on a pasta hiatus for almost three months, this was the best way to break my pasta fast and it was well worth the wait. <br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-29900073762927804642012-09-15T12:11:00.001-07:002012-09-15T12:11:23.077-07:00TransformationThis last week I swapped my electric guitar for an elliptical trainer. Gotta love Craig's List. It was a bit of a hassle as the woman who I swapped with forgot the AC adapter and had to mail it to me but yesterday I used my cross trainer for the first time and I can honestly say that last night was the most focused, clear and at peace I've felt for a long while. <br />
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I stopped taking Lamictacl almost 4 weeks ago and I've been taking the Spirulina, Chlorella and Vitamin D religiously. I've also adhered to my vegan diet aside from feta cheese which I occasionally sprinkle on a kale salad. I've had ups and downs... moments of brain fog and extreme fatigue. Yesterday, I either broke out in a rash or was bit by something because my right hand has a few small red welts all over it. Chlorella is a detoxer so it's possible that the rash is a result of detox. I'm sure there's plenty of toxins still in me. 30 days of juice fasting was not long enough to purge my body of all the crap I polluted it with over the years.<br />
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Nothing on the job front. Yesterday I drove all the way to the East bay for an interview that lasted five minutes. It was an annoyance but I'm not going there. In fact, I'm going to try to just let the bullshit fly by and not give it the attention it doesn't deserve.<br />
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Monday afternoon at 4 I have another phone interview. It's for a gaming company so i get to do research on this company this weekend by way of playing games. I can think of worse ways to spend my weekend and I certainly could think of more boring companies to research.<br />
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I did my elliptical this morning already. It's pretty awesome to be able to do cardio any time I want. I'm going to do the elliptical again tonight. My goal is to try to do it twice daily on days that I don't run or do yoga.<br />
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Last weekend I was a very bad girl. My neighbors who live on the other side of the property had a wedding. The backyard lot had a fully stocked bar, a dance floor, DJ and catered buffet. It was pretty fucking awesome but I fell off the wagon big time. All my neighbors who live on the street were invited and we were seated at the same table. I would've been okay if I'd have stopped at wine but I ended up doing tequila shots with my neighbors towards the end of the night. Some of the younguns that attended the wedding came to the afterparty at the house I live in and ended up peeing in the lawn which sent my (house) neighbor in a tizzy. I can't say I blame her for getting annoyed but then again it was her idea to have the afterparty. <br />
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One of my neighbors was telling one of the youngsters at the wedding that when we were their age, the George Orwell novel, 1984 was in the future. They were all like "wow" and I felt so old...<br />
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My introduction to George Orwell's 1984 was the David Bowie album, Diamond Dogs, which I listened to religiously when I was a child. My brother told me the story of 1984 and how the Bowie almond related to it and that album forever remains my favorite album of all time. <br />
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As a child that listened to Bowie, when I thought about 1984, it seemed so far off in the future. It was the year before I would graduate from high school. Now it's 18 years ago. Damn, life flies. I've said this before and I'll say it again: life is like a roll of toilet paper....the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.<br />
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So last Sunday I had the worst hangover I can recall having in years. It was so bad that I have sworn off shots of any sort of alcohol for what's left of my life. I'm just too damn old for that shit. Ironically, it was Sunday when I received an email from the lady about swapping the elliptical for the guitar.<br />
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I had placed the ad when I still had my juicer (which I sold a couple of years ago). I expected that perhaps someone would be into swapping the juicer for the elliptical but never the guitar. Nobody responded to the ad which was listed for weeks. I thought it expired so I was totally surprised and super psyched when I got the email about swapping the guitar for the elliptical which retailed at over $1,000 five years ago. <br />
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So, perhaps the elliptical email was the universe magically relaying a message to me that my hangover was just a hiccup and I was to resume the path of emotional, physical and spiritual transformation that I had previously been on.<br />
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And so it shall be.<br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-30324093046749602852012-09-04T17:17:00.000-07:002012-09-04T17:17:10.218-07:00Gimme Head with HairBack when I was still on the juice fast, I got a bottle of organic spirulina tablets from Trader Joe's. Spirulina is a single-celled algae that is considered a superfood because of it's health benefits. It's supposed to be a purer source of protein than meat. I took it periodically while fasting but it was not something I took daily. A few days ago I decided to take it every day with my Vitamin D since, apparently, Spirulina is also very good for cognitive functioning among other things. I think today was either my fifth or sixth consecutive day taking it. <br />
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One major problem I've experienced over the last few years is my hair falling out. It's so frustrating when I run the comb through my hair only to pull out tons of hair. It's been so bad over the years that my hair has clogged up both my bathroom sink and shower.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>Today was the first day in years that I combed my hair and didn't pull out a clump of hair. It could either be the lack of Lamictal in my system or it could be the Spirulina since one of the major benefits of Spirulina is hair growth and overall health. A few sources even cited that Spirulina will get the gray out. Oh how wonderful that would be although I ain't holding my breath on it.<br />
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This morning I did my run and was amazed at how much energy I had---energy I cannot recall having in years... In my Spirulina research, I read about its sidekick Chlorella which is another algae superfood. Supposedly when taken in conjunction with Spirulina, this stuff is like a fountain of youth. I ordered some Chlorella on Amazon as I can never put enough good things in my body. Now that I've stopped taking seizure meds, it's imperative that I take the absolute best care of my body that I possibly can.<br />
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My cognitive functioning has still felt off. I did have a phone interview today although I'm not holding my breathe on getting called in for a person to person interview. I don't think the interview went bad. I don't think it went amazingly brilliant either. I am just tired of interviews and pondering the outcome and rejection and disappointment. I have been rejected so much over the last year, it's a bitch. I was rejected a lot less in LA when I was auditioning!<br />
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My body feels different---leaner and more energetic. I haven't weighed myself. I don't own a scale but my neighbor does and told me I could use it anytime I want. I am sure that I've gained muscle weight which is why I'm not in any hurry to address the scales. <br />
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While slimming down is great, my motivation for exercise is my mind. I simply cannot let the aging process dumb me down and I am definitely not what I used to be in terms of mental clarity and sharpness.<br />
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I sold my Champion juicer today...finally. I was selling it for $190 on Craig's List and some dickhead offered me $120. Keep in mind that the juicer is just over a year old, hasn't been used all that much and was bought for about $250. I emailed dickhead back and told him I wouldn't take less than $170 for it to which he responded that he sees Champion juicers being sold for $90 all the time and that I am overcharging for it. Then he offered me $140. This dick really struck a nerve. I sent him a "fuck off" email minus the profanity and less than an hour later some girl came by and bought my juicer for $170.<br />
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That made my day.Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-15969494392564612642012-09-02T13:06:00.000-07:002012-09-02T13:06:13.506-07:00DI stopped taking the lamictal just under 2 weeks ago. I hadn't felt much of anything in terms of withdrawal. A couple of years ago, I'd decreased my dose and went through a serious emotional breakdown and was grateful not to have experienced it this far. Then a couple of days ago, I started to feel depressed. Of course, this could just be depression and not related to the fact that I stopped taking Lamictal. <br />
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Along with the depression, I feel dumb as a doornail. It's really difficult to stay focused. Yesterday, my friend Stacy called me and I kept forgetting what I was saying. This has happened in the past but it seems more pronounced now. Then yesterday, I found myself googling the most painless way to commit suicide.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to live on the street or in my car, either. Unemployment runs out in around 3 months and that's scaring me. No word on the job that I interviewed for a couple of weeks ago. I did notice that they relisted the job both on Craig's List and Linked In so I think it's probably best to accept now that it's probably not gonna happen. Been there before. That's what really gets me down. I'm sick and tired of getting excited about a job that never comes to fruition. I'm sick of the disappointment and I'm really losing any sort of desire to keep on doing this. I'm just tired and I really wish my life would just end already.<br />
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In my research regarding painless suicide methods, I read responses from people who shrieked about how wrong suicide was. It's terrible for the loved ones and blah blah blah. Well, in my case. I have no children, both of my parents are dead, I have no close family....sure I have siblings but they don't care about me. And this isn't a ploy for sympathy because I'm not feeling sorry for myself. It's the truth. Not everyone has a reason to stay alive. I can think of one: Magic. But I'm sure my neighbor would take good care of her. I have a few friends but I have no doubt that they would get over it. <br />
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Of course, if I got a job and my life started improving, then I would not be researching painless suicide methods but I cannot ignore the fact that I am not employed and I cannot find a job in spite of the fact that I have been looking for over a year now. The job market is insanely competitive and middle aged women with failed acting careers are not at the forefront for marketing jobs. Corps want young blood....young techie, geeks who graduated from Stanford. People are not impressed that I studied theatre at NYU. And, it's this that adds to the depression. Oh, why oh why did I not study something more secure??<br />
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In any case, I continue to apply for jobs and hope that things change for the better. I continue to exercise daily. I ran yesterday and am a bit achey in my upper back. I started taking Vitamin D two days ago. Funny how Vitamin D has suddenly been in my face everywhere.<br />
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My mom was a big vitamin person. She had a massive supply of vitamins that she would take daily. I cannot recall her ever taking Vitamin D (although she might've) and she certainly didn't include it in her list of supplements that she nagged me about taking since I was a vegetarian. That's because Vitamin D wasn't getting the buzz back then that it is today. And another thing...it's hard to believe that in two months it's going to be 4 years since my mom died. I really miss her...especially now when I feel so hopeless.<br />
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The first time I heard about Vitamin D was a few months ago. My neighbors' daughter was visiting and she told me she had sleeping and fatigue issues. Her doctor said she was deficient in Vitamin D and since she started taking it daily, the fatigue and insomnia had ceased. Vitamin D is produced when the skin is exposed to the sun. People who wear sunscreen or don't go into the sun are often deprived of Vitamin D.<br />
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Then last weekend when I was talking to my neighbor she told me that Vitamin D is the only pill she takes. Her doctor said she was deficient. I thought that was odd given that my neighbor is outside all the time tending to her garden. This led me to do research and apparently a lot of people who are exposed to the sun are still deprived of Vitamin D. Lack of Vitamin D causes all kinds of symptoms including insomnia, fatigue, brain fog, cognitive and memory issues, joint pain and more and more and more and much of these symptoms are what I'm currently experiencing. So this weekend I bought Vitamin D at the store and have been taking it.<br />
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Last year I listened to an audio seminar about career. It wasn't your typical career seminar as there was a spiritual spin to it. Rick Jarow, who was the conductor, incorporated meditations and other practices into the seminar. One of the things that he said which stuck with me was that you should always pay attention as the universe is constantly giving us signs. <br />
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And this is what led me to buy the Vitamin D the last time I went shopping. No doctor suggested I take it. I have no evidence that I'm even deficient. I just have a hunch that I should be taking it.<br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-2094274385419537032012-08-31T09:48:00.001-07:002012-08-31T09:48:43.241-07:00Time PassagesRecently, I made a playlist of music that I listened to when I lived in NYC. It included lots of stuff from the 90's like Violet by Hole, Sour Times by Portishead, Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden, Only Happy When it Rains by Garbage, Only Love Can Break Your Heart by St. Etienne, Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground. It includes music from Oasis, Bjork, Massive Attack, Tricky, The Breeders, The Orb, Nirvana and music that carries with it the imprint of a time in my life that has long since passed... a time in my life where I was young and free and never once thought about the consequences of my actions. Unlike today, which is all about consequences...some of the consequences I'm dealing with, in fact, are a result of that time in my life.<br />
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I listened to this playlist yesterday as I soaked in my bathtub and was overwhelmed with a plethora of emotions including sadness and guilt and wonder. If I knew then what I know now, would I have done things differently? I think so.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>Those were fun times where I forged many friendships but I don't really speak to anyone from that era anymore. A few of my friends I interact with on Facebook but that's not the same. I have an insane amount of debt that sprouted from my college years. Had I approached life differently and attempted to study something with a greater success rate, then perhaps... actually, more than likely, I would be in a much better place, both financially and career-wise, than I am now. But that's all dirty water under a heavy bridge. There's nothing I can do to change it...but I wonder. Yes, I wonder a lot.<br /><br />
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I've been off the Lamictal for 11 days and I have been working out religiously to attempt to combat any side effects and overcome any cognitive fog. Yesterday I ran and did yoga... I also meditated on my chakras... and watched some new age documentary on Netflix called Three Magic Words. The title is derived from a US Andersen book which is also the inspiration behind Kelly Howell's The Universal Mind Meditation which I have written about repeatedly. While I haven't meditated to Brain Sync in a while, I still believe in the philosophy that we are all connected and that there is divinity in each of us which links us all together. Together, united, we are God. (the Three Magic Words as referenced in the documentary are "I Am God".)<br />
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So, that means Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney have the same divinity in them as I do in me; therefore I should love them. Love them. It's these moments that make new age philosophies so difficult to digest on a personal level. I loathe the GOP. They're a bunch of greedy, uncaring, hateful, racist liars. There is nothing divine there.<br />
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I can let go of all the baggage from my past that has been holding me back. I can forgive and wish well the friends and lovers I've had whose behavior have left scars on my heart. I can even forgive my family but when it comes to these corporate suits who have no qualms about sacrificing the middle class in order to line their pockets, I see red. I feel angry. I don't love. I hate. I hate these lowlifes who want to control women and send us all back in a time machine. <br />
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When I was 18, I took a class at a junior college. One of my first assignments was to do research and look into what was going on in the country when I was born. This was pre-internet so I actually had to go to a library, access microfish of newspaper articles from my birthday to do my research. It was all about back alley abortions which is what I ended up writing a paper about. I saw pictures. It was horribly disturbing.<br />
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And then, of course, there's the gay rights issue. Yesterday, my nephew Adam would have turned 26. Adam was gay and committed suicide less than 3 years ago. Adam was raised in a right wing nut job atmosphere where he was told gays were "fudge packers" who were going to burn in hell. Adam's mother had bible verses on index cards taped all over the house. If I had a magic eraser that could erase all the religious homophobic elements of his childhood, I bet Adam would have been alive to celebrate his 26th birthday.<br />
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Still nothing on the job front and I find myself worrying at times because unemployment will run out in about 3 months. According to those Three Magic Words, one shall not worry because everything will work out. This is the same premise as the Universal Mind Meditation. So, I do find that I can overcome the worry most of the time.... having faith and continuing to apply for work and exercise and meditate and run and do yoga and appreciate Magic and nature is what I must continue to do.<br />
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One thing I do know is that my life will be over before I know it. Life just seems to fly by. As my friend once told me: Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.<br />
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And it's going so fast right now....<br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-37543302364263474172012-08-27T19:25:00.000-07:002012-08-27T19:25:15.990-07:00The Morning FogIt's been about a week since I stopped taking Lamictal cold turkey. I was taking 200 mg/day.<br />
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I haven't had any headaches nor felt that I'm in danger of having a seizure. What I have felt is fatigued and spaced out. Sort of like I have ADD or what I imagine having ADD would be like. I have trouble focusing or staying focused. It's difficult for me to piece together a sentence sometimes. I hope that within a week the Lamictal will be out of my system completely and all of these withdrawal symptoms will cease all together.<br />
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I started walking daily again and even started to run, which is something I haven't done in years. The main reason that I'm interested in running is not for weight loss but rather to improve my brain function and memory. I did some research on holistic remedies for ADD and something that consistently came up was cardio exercise. It's great for depression and focus. Given the current uncertainty of my life and work situation, it's important for me to be focused and stress-free so I've decided that I will incorporate exercise into my every day routine. <br />
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Yesterday I made lunch for my neighbors (black bean burritos). I ended up drinking my two bottles of Tribunal with them. It's the first time I've had more than a glass of wine since before my fast. I wanted to use the wine so that I no longer was tempted by having it at my disposal. I've decided I do not want to ever drink alone again. Not good for the mind, not good for the body, not good for the soul.<br />
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Yesterday while I was on the deck drinking wine I realized that I was appreciating wine more than I had in a very long time. By not having wine for almost two months and then experiencing an afternoon of drinking wine with my neighbors, I appreciated it more than when I drank it nightly all by myself.<br />
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It's so easy to take things for granted.Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-46120670000467328342012-08-22T12:28:00.000-07:002012-08-22T12:58:09.881-07:00Calling Occupants of Interplanetary CraftWhen I was about 20, I started having grand mal seizures. Prior to this, I believe I was having petit mal seizures. Grand mals are easy to diagnose whereas other types of seizures aren't. I could've been having seizures for years prior to that first grand mal. As a teenager I had weird neurological problems that went undiagnosed. Perhaps they are linked to the seizures I started getting in early adulthood.<br />
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When I was about 16, I would experience really loud feedback noise in my head usually when I was about to fall asleep. It was creepy and when I told my mom about it, she didn't really take it seriously. Probably because we didn't have health insurance and she had gotten insanely in debt due to vision problems I had as a teenager. I sort of hate myself for that. Had I not had these vision problems, then mom wouldn't have gotten so deeply in debt and her life would've been different. But that's another story...<br />
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I knew I had sleepwalking tendencies because I had woken up in strange places around the house before. I woke up on a chair in my room staring at my bed once and I used to always wake up on the living room couch or in my mom's bed.<br />
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I also had very strange and vivid dreams. One in particular involved standing in the middle of the cul-de-sac at night in my pajamas and staring at my house while some sort of lighted aircraft hovered above me. <br />
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A couple of years before my mom died, I told her about that dream and how it was right around the time I started having these weird neurological symptoms. Was the dream just another symptom or was the "dream" the reason behind these symptoms? I was surprised when my emphatically Christian mom actually seemed to believe in the possibility that I was abducted by aliens and that was the reason behind my seizures and other neurological problems. That was so not the reaction I expected to get when I told her.<br />
<br />
But I'm not going to get all X-Files here and insist that I was abducted by aliens and that it's the reason behind my seizure disorder. What I do know is that I have been on meds for my seizures for more than half my life and I want off.<br />
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First I was on Dilantin for 17 years and then it stopped being effective. Of course, this was back in the days of extreme partying which included lots of booze, pot and the occasional eight ball. The doctor put me on Topamax which made me stupid, gave me double vision, insomnia, paranoia and I couldn't sweat which made my weekend hikes to the Hollywood sign really challenging. It didn't give me seizures; although, I think I'd have preferred the seizures over the plethora of side effects I experienced from that shit.<br />
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After I moved to Florida to care for my mom, the neurologist put me on Keppra which made me depressed beyond depressed. I'm no stranger to depression but this was different. Usually when I'm depressed, I can find some shred of hope to cling to but with Keppra, there was no hope or light at the end of the tunnel. There was nothing but darkness.<br />
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Not only did I have suicidal thoughts but thoughts about killing my mother too-- I didn't see any hope for her either... only more suffering from that horrible cancer. I knew her days were numbered and I knew that her days of loving life and feeling free were over. The cancer had ravaged her and I would be doing her a favor...and myself one too.<br />
<br />
My mom told me she was worried about the effect the Keppra was having on me. I did some research online and read about people committing violent acts on Keppra. The next day I was on the phone with my neurologist demanding to come off it. He then put me on Lamictal which is what I've been on for the last 4 years.<br />
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One of the side effects of Lamictal is a life-threatening rash. Fortunately, that never was an issue with me. In fact, Lamictal has been pretty good to me compared to the other drugs I had been on. I did notice a lot of hair loss and insomnia. At first I was on 200 mg but I could no longer afford it so a couple of years ago, I cut my dose in half unsupervised. Lamictal is also used to treat people who are bipolar so I suffered about a week of severe emotional trauma...and then I was fine.<br />
<br />
My seizure disorder was always manageable. As long as I was medicated, I didn't convulse. Given the fact that I consumed so many mind-altering substances, it's no wonder I had seizures. I haven't done drugs in years and I haven't gotten extremely drunk in a while now. If ever there was a time to test the waters of life without seizure meds, it's now.<br />
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This morning I realized that I haven't taken my Lamictal in 3 days so I've decided that I'm not going to take it. In a week it should be totally out of my system. I feel like I'm losing the training wheels. If I succeed, this will be the first time since I was 20 that I haven't been on a seizure medication.<br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-56748111314243375312012-08-21T14:43:00.001-07:002012-08-21T14:43:47.341-07:00The BarIt's been 2 weeks since I broke my fast. Aside from a little bit of feta cheese I've sprinkled on a few salads, I have not had anything dairy. I resumed having my morning coffee a few days ago but I've limited it to about 1 to 2 cups with almond milk and agave syrup (instead of half n half and Splenda). I have not gained any weight. In fact, I think I might still be losing... I get full really easily and, on a few occasions, have inadvertently overeaten and ended up with a really bad stomach ache that kept me up. Pajama bottoms that used to fit on me super tight are literally sliding off me. I haven't weighed myself, though.<br />
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Here's what I had yesterday and this type of menu is pretty typical since I broke my fast: <br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>2 pieces of Trader Joe's multi-grain flourless bread w/ earth balance spread<br />
1 smoothie with bananas, hemp protein powder and honey<br />
1 avocado sprinkled w/ nutritional yeast<br />
1 salad with greens, red onion, walnuts, feta cheese and balsamic dressing.<br />
<br />
I was full last night when I went to bed... really full. I felt as if I had devoured a pizza.<br />
<br />
The crock pot black bean concoction I made last week was delicious only I had to freeze most of it because there's so much and no way I could have consumed it all before it went bad. It's also very filling. I started feeling a bit sick after I began consuming it which is what prompted me to freeze it. My digestive system needs time to adjust still. I cannot imagine ever being able to consume what I did prior to the fast. The two bottles of Tribunal and the Boddingtons in my fridge are untouched. I simply have no desire to drink alcohol right now.<br />
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Still nothing on the job front. Waiting to hear back regarding my interview last week and have submitted my resume for other positions. I'm being less selective as I only have 3 more months before my unemployment dries up and that's a bit scary. Trying to trust in the universe, higher power, God, supreme being...whatever... that I will be okay. I applied for a position as a junior media planner and was disgusted and offended to get a response informing me that the annual pay scale started at $36k and ended at 40k. How absolutely disgusting considering the job's responsibilities are more mid-level than junior. There is no way I could live on that salary... especially in the Bay Area which is one of the most expensive regions of the US.<br />
<br />
That's the problem with many of the ads I see online. I will often see an ad requesting someone with knowledge of Adobe Suite, html, google adwords/analytics, my SQL, php and Flash experience. Oh but this is an internship so you get paid NOTHING. I so want to respond to these jobs with a big Fuck You. <br />
<br />
I can remember the days when temping paid $20/hour. My friend in NYC now has to interview at least once for temp gigs that pay a fraction of that. Times have changed. Thanks, George W Bush, you retarded embarrassment to America, for fucking up our economy with your wars and outsourcing and tax breaks for the wealthy. I hate you.<br />
<br />
Been thinking a lot about what exactly would make me happy in terms of work and lifestyle and here's what I came up with today.<br />
<br />
1) a job that pays a minimum of $70k annual with excellent benefits.<br />
2) a job working in a creative environment with creative people who share similar interests as me.<br />
3) this job would be in San Francisco<br />
4) this job would have an international presence with offices in major cities all over the world so there would be an opportunity to work abroad. <br />
5) a very nice and spacious in-law unit or cottage in Marin county with hardwood floors, a dishwasher, garbage disposal, a deck with a beautiful view of either the bay, ocean or mountains (preferably the bay or ocean... I have always loved the water and wouldn't be surprised to learn that there is a dominant Pisces influence in my astrological chart). I would prefer Sausalito only because it is so close to the city that, depending on where you live and your shape, you could walk or ride your bike over the Golden Gate and into San Francisco. How cool would that be?<br />
6) I would buy an eliptical machine so I could always get my exercise no matter how dire the weather is. My body would be in the best shape it's ever been in. <br />
7) I would be less introverted. Shades of the old me would resurface minus the self-destructive tendencies.<br />
8) I would have no more debt and my student loans would be out of default. I don't expect that I will ever be able to pay off my student loans unless I am blessed with some unexpected major cash-infusion but if I could at least make them manageable and not a huge shit stain on my credit, I'd be happy.<br />
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So what happens if, within a year, I'm there and all the things on this list become a reality? Will I really be content with my circumstances or will I want more? I vote for the latter.<br />
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No matter how much one achieves, it will never be enough. The bar will always get moved up another notch and when that destination is attained, it will get moved up even further...and so on and so on. I believe it's this way for most people and not just me.<br />
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That's truly sad and indicative of how people are constantly looking to fill this insatiable hole in their spirit. Spiritually-grounded people, I'm sure, are aware of this and perhaps have found a way to revel in the present rather than dwell in the "i want, i need" prospect of the future. I have yet to meet someone, though, with this mentality. <br />
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Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-23780325161635869112012-08-16T13:12:00.000-07:002012-08-16T13:25:45.902-07:00Crock Pot Cherry Popping for VegansToday is an exciting day for me. I am finally using the crock pot I bought a few weeks ago. My self-made concoction is currently in slow cooking mode. I finally made use of the two cans of Whole Foods organic black beans which have been sitting in my cupboard for over a year. No canned anything for me from this day forward... it's all about fresh, fresh, fresh from here on out!<br />
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Here's what's currently brewing:<br />
<br />
2 cans organic black beans<br />
1 onion & 4 leeks (pre-sautee'd)<br />
3 stalks of diced celery<br />
3 carrots (pre-steamed)<br />
Annie's Organic Smokey Maple BBQ Sauce<br />
Oregano, Basil, Rosemary, Garlic, chilli pepper powder<br />
1/2 pack of Yves Ground Round (vegan ground beef substitute) <br />
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This could end up being really good or perhaps not so much. I hope it's at least palatable. Will find out at 7:00 when it should be finished.<br />
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I plan on serving this over Quinoa. How's that for healthy, bitches??<br />
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<a name='more'></a>Yesterday I went into San Francisco for that interview. I was there for over an hour and a half. I interviewed with the same lady I interviewed with on the phone last week along with one other senior person. Without revealing too much about this company, it is entertainment-based but the position is for online advertising which is something I did for the last 3 years while employed at the place that shall not be named. They will not be filling the position for at least another month and the next round of interviews would happen in a couple of weeks. So, once again, I'm in waiting mode.<br />
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I really want the job but I have to let it go and leave it to fate, destiny, the universe, higher power, whatever... it really comes down to how important someone with a strong entertainment background like me is to them. If so, then I think I got the advantage. If not, then perhaps they want someone with a more solid online advertising background. My lone online advertising experience was acquired at TPTSNBN.<br />
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Commuting to San Francisco is a bitch. Depending on where in San Francisco I need to be, I will either drive or take the Larkspur ferry. The ferry is expensive (was just increased to $18 round trip) but so is parking and there is a toll to go over the Golden Gate. At least with the Ferry, I get to enjoy a nice trip and the Ferry building is really cool except for all the places that sell pig and cow body parts. That always grosses me out. It's expensive, though. I bought a bag of fresh trail mix for $5. <br />
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Yesterday I took the ferry in. While I got there an hour before my ferry was scheduled to depart, I didn't find a parking place until about ten minutes before it left. Because of the State of CA's budget cuts, all ferry tickets need to be purchased by way of machine. The process of buying a ticket is very simple but, for whatever reason, when I'm pressured for time and in danger of missing my ferry, I am challenged with using it. Every time that I get on that ferry, I am big time stressed.<br />
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Hopefully I will be summoned into San Francisco for another interview soon so I can experiment with another method of commute. My neighbor suggested driving to Marin and hopping on a commuter bus. I'm sure it's cheaper than the ferry and a lot less stressful.... at least I hope so. When I do get a job, if it's in San Francisco, I will need to find a practical way of commuting until I relocate to Marin county.<br />
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I was gone for so long yesterday, that my little Magic was upset. This is something else that scares me. Magic has become used to me being around and when I start working, she will be alone again. She's a very needy cat. While she's 2 years old, her personality is still very kitten like. I thought about getting her a playmate but there is no guarantee that this playmate will be as well-behaved as Magic.<br />
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Magic is the first cat I've ever own who doesn't attempt to scratch everything. Magic knows what gets scratched: her $75 scratching post and nothing else. Besides that post, the only other thing that Magic's nails penetrate is my skin (due to Magic's overwhelming affection for me). Magic goes to the bathroom in her box--not the tub or shower or outside the box. Magic doesn't puke very often. Perhaps when I move, I will live someplace with hardwood floors. Then I won't hesitate to get a playmate or at least foster a kitty to see how Magic adapts to another feline.<br />
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Magic is my daughter. She needs me and I need her. While I'm looking forward to finding a job and going back to work, there is a part of me that will be sad for Magic. <br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-69849098794712051062012-08-13T10:48:00.002-07:002012-08-13T10:55:59.180-07:00Destiny's ChildIt's been a week since I broke my fast. Yesterday is the first day that I've introduced carbs into my diet by eating pasta and bread. I had no intention of doing this anytime soon but my neighbor invited me to a late lunch. My stomach is still quite small so I didn't eat as much as I would've two months ago. I also had a glass of white wine which left me with a headache for the remainder of the day. It was so bad, in fact, that I broke down and took an Ipuprofen before bed.<br />
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While I am really trying to stay away from all of the above, it's unrealistic that I will cut all these things out of my diet permanently. There is no holistic remedy (that I'm aware of) for headaches and the one I had last night was pretty debilitating.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>My job interview is scheduled for Wednesday at 2. I'm really looking forward to it. Unlike LA, entertainment entities in the Bay area are not a dime a dozen so the fact that I'm under consideration for one of the few makes me ecstatic. I do feel pretty good about it. In fact, this is the most optimistic I've been about any job in a very long time. <br />
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When I started this blog, it was because I was frustrated with my job situation and was attempting to tap into my higher power. I had deleted my "I hate my job and you would too if you were me" blog because I felt it was too negative and my intent was to be more optimistic about life, regardless of circumstance. Clearly I have mastered the job of being a negative Nelly because this blog eventually ended up with much the same tone as the "I hate my job and you would too if you were me" blog.<br />
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When I started this blog, I was looking frantically for another job because I was afraid I was going to get fired and my employer was going to attempt to screw me out of unemployment. Never have I felt so under fire by a group of people. Back then, I was listening to the Universal Mind Meditation nightly while I fell asleep which went on for at least two months. There was a position with a Swiss watch company that I was obsessed with getting mainly because a) it wasn't my current job; b) it was not in wine country; c) it was very different from my current job; d) I would get to travel; e) it was not my current job; f) it was not my current job; g) it was not my current job....<br />
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As fate would have it: I was laid off with severance and no resistance in getting unemployment, I didn't get the Swiss watch company job and I have spent the last 3+ licking my wounds while doing some self-exploration. I am convinced that the only reason I got a severance and my former boss was so nice about letting me go was because I had evidence of the drug activity that went on in the office. These frequent HR meetings reprimanding me for ridiculous reasons were becoming tiresome.<br />
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The last straw was when I was accused of being racist because I used the term "white trash region" to describe the Louisiana/Mississippi area of the country. It was defined as "harassment" and I was forced to sign all this documentation informing me of "policy". I remember thinking, "If these bitches want a fight, then a fight is what I will give them." I then asked my recruiter, while my boss was present: "What's the policy about illegal drugs in the workplace?" I brought up the pot that was left in my desk a couple of months earlier and how I had given it to my boss. (I believe it was meant for the asshole who had the desk before me). My boss attempted to deny it to which I responded with letting him know that I had recorded it all on my iphone. I then recited our conversation verbatim. My boss looked like a deer in the headlights. He, who had previously insisted it was absolutely necessary that his HR consultant is present during all meetings with me, didn't waste any time pulling me off to the side as soon as she left the room to ask me what else I had recorded. I filed an official complain regarding the pot in my desk. The HR "talks" subsided and two weeks later I was laid off with severance, unemployment documentation and I even got a hug!<br />
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Let's ponder the course of the last few months and reveal possible scenarios that could have unraveled had circumstances gone a different course.<br />
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If didn't get laid off, I could still be at the place that shall not be named hating my job and life or, perhaps working somewhere else that was also not a good fit for me. While I was job hunting before I got laid off, there was a sense of urgency that was present. I applied for just about any job that I felt remotely qualified for and that I was pretty sure would pay me what I was looking to get paid (which was what I should have been getting paid by my cheap boss). After getting laid off, that sense of urgency dissipated. Since I was on unemployment I felt that I could be more selective as to where I applied.<br />
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Also, after getting laid off, I realized I didn't want to work for the Swiss watch company. The offices were not much cleaner than the place that shall not be named and the owner? Well, lets just say that I saw some similarities between he and the owner of the place that shall not be named. When I didn't get the job, I was slightly relieved. My neighbor told me that she didn't think it was a good fit for me anyway and I wholeheartedly agree. The job I am interviewing for Wednesday is, without a doubt, a perfect fit for me.<br />
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Had I not gotten laid off or gotten the job with the SWC, I would have never been able to fast for 30 days and never had been inspired to change my diet and cut out caffeine and alcohol routines. I would have never had the realization that I still want to act and I would have never taken the voiceover class. These are things I'm still interested in doing but I need a stream of income first. A friend of mine has volunteered to do headshots so it will not cost me anything. I would not have discovered this had I not been laid off or gotten the job with the SWC. The last three months also gave me a mental health vacation which is something I so desperately needed.<br />
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If I do get this job, I have decided not to move to San Francisco but move to South Marin County. Marin county is on the North side of the Golden Gate Bridge. In fact, the county line is on the Golden Gate Bridge. Marin is also quite expensive but it's a tad bit cheaper than SF because you will get more for your money there. I would not have to get rid of my car if I move to Marin and I don't want to sell it as it's one of the few things of value that I own.<br />
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Marin isn't culture shock. It's the best of both worlds. There are very rural parts of Marin but it's mostly suburban. You have Mount Tamalpais on one said and San Francisco on the other. In Marin, I could take the bus into the city or if I live in Sausalito, I could even walk or ride my bike over the Golden Gate. Back in my NYC days, I used to ride my bike over the Queensboro bridge and into the city. By the time I made my final descent down the bridge hill, I was in the midst of a full-fledged endorphin rush. There is nothing like riding into the Manhattan skyline while endorphins are flowing freely. Those were definitely the days.<br />
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Magic is quite happy in wine country so moving will be hard for her. She likes to sit on her perch and admire the birds and country life outside her window. Cats are very sensitive and moving into a more congested city would be a bit much for her. I spent much of my weekend looking online for rentals in south Marin. While I am nowhere near ready to move, I do want to educate myself as much as possible. If I get this job, then I am looking to move at the end of the year. Supposedly, Winter is the best time to look for an apartment. I read this online and my neighbor, who's a property manager, concurred.<br />
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This morning when I checked my email, I had received a job notification from a recruiter in the UK regarding a marketing position she was filling in London. My heart jumped. Immediately I emailed her back to let her know I was in the US and to inquire whether she was accepting applicants in the US or if this was just an oversight. She responded to let me know that they weren't considering US applicants but that she would let me know if they ever were. Perhaps it would be my fate to move to Europe one day? <br />
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Wherever my career path takes me is currently unknown but I'm confident that it will be a lot more pleasant than the previous stop.<br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-54093589132704107812012-08-09T20:23:00.004-07:002012-08-09T20:23:48.692-07:00Turn and Face the StrainToday is day 4 since I broke my fast. Each day, I've gradually eaten more. There were a couple of days that I didn't juice--today included--but I've eaten an abundance of veggies and fruits. No grains just yet.<br />
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My new BFF is my Black and Decker Handy Steamer. It's the easiest thing to operate. It's easier than juicing, that's for sure! You fill up the base with water, throw chopped veggies in the top, turn a dial and voila! There's a little mesh compartment where you can add spices for flavor. This thing is truly easy and the result is truly delicious. Top the steamed veggies with vegan spread (Earth Balance) and nutritional yeast which is my other BFF. You can put it on anything! <br />
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<a name='more'></a>I also have a crockpot I want to pop the cherry on this weekend... perhaps some veggie chilli or soup. I'm totally digging these new kitchen accessories. When I moved in here, there was a microwave. My landlady decided to leave a lot of her crap in my space which I've had to slowly move out of here. While I've used the microwave, I have made a conscious decision to not do it anymore so I moved it out of my kitchen. If something needs heating up, I'll heat it on the stove or put it in the oven. Microwaves are creepy. <br />
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So today I had a phone interview for a position that seems custom made for me. Although it's still considered a start up, it is entertainment. The pay is within my salary range and I can definitely see potential for it to become huge. The interview went well and Wednesday I'm going into San Francisco to meet them. Hope it happens... this is the most excited I've been about finding a job in a long, long time.<br />
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Of course, I really need to think about relocating if I get the job. The hours will probably be long and I feel terrible about my beloved Magic. She's gotten so used to me being here and then suddenly I will be gone all the time. The commute to this place is about an hour. There and back is two hours... that's 10 hours commuting each week. <br />
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Then there's the money associated with commuting. Golden Gate is $6 (will be going up to $7 if it hasn't already)... traffic is a bitch in the city. Also, parking is insanely pricey. Unlike LA, San Francisco isn't so generous with complimentary parking. There's no validation or anything so when I go into the city, I have to pay for parking although things might change if I actually get hired. One option is taking the Larkspur Ferry since this place is located near the ferry building. The ride is nice and peaceful but the Ferry is $17 round trip plus there's still the drive to the fairy which is about a half hour from my house. <br />
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The money I spend in commuting could go towards rent in a city apartment. I would have to sell my car but I won't really need it unless I want to venture out of the city. A city apartment means I wouldn't have to commute and if my place is close to work, I could even go home on my lunch break and give my Magic some love. <br />
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When I think about leaving and relocating, I get really frightened. It's a bit overwhelming. I guess I knew I wouldn't stay in wine country forever. It's really too slow-paced for me. This was the perfect place to heal after my mom died but now, I'm ready to move on. <br />
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I haven't lived in such a massive metropolitan area since New York City. Sure, I lived in LA but LA is pretty spread out. It's not like you can flag a cab or jump on a trolley or train to get around. So from going to living on five acres in the middle of nowhere and waking up to the sound of a rooster to moving into a huge, congested city is going to be serious culture shock for me.<br />
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That's the thing with change. Rarely, is it something gradual. It's usually pretty sudden...like when I got laid off or when my mom died.<br />
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Even though I knew my mom would die, I hadn't really planned what would happen when she did. I had been caring for her and knew she was getting bad but I choose to live in a state of denial. Then one night, she fell and the paramedics came and took her. It was the night before Halloween, 2008.<br />
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She was taken to ER but still able to carry on a conversation. I was crying because deep down I had this overwhelming feeling that my mom was going to die even though she was speaking normal. She even told me to stop crying, that she was going to be fine and made this cute, little hand gesture that said "you're being silly. stop it!"<br />
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I went home that night and on Halloween she seemed fine. But later that evening, she started getting delirious. My friend (Miss Om Shanti), kept inviting me over to her house for Halloween dinner. After I left the hospital, I went over to my friend's for dinner and ended up bursting into tears at the dinner table. When I got home, I lay in my mom's bed and whaled like I never had before... I knew in my heart that she wasn't going to get over it this time. She wasn't coming home. A week later, I was told by the doctors that it was time for hospice...and Halloween was never the same.<br />
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When my mom died, it was like this huge jarring force in my life. Suddenly, I have to move by the end of the month. I had all this stuff that I didn't know what to do with and nobody to help (my brother ended up helping himself to what he wanted and not doing anything else). My mom was a bit of a pat rack. I had no place to live after the end of the month. No job. Lots of debt and barely any money. If I thought about my predicament too much, I just might have gone insane. Instead, something sort of turned off in me so I could get through it all. I was numb... <br />
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At my mom's memorial everyone was crying but I felt nothing. I faked tears because I didn't want my brother and sister to say I never cared about our mother and, they, with their consistent malicious intent would most certainly do something like that. They didn't understand because they're so consumed in their own little bubble that I had no place to live and that my best friend had died and I had no direction. I was in fight or flight mode and I was fighting. Emotional me wouldn't have been able to get through it but numb me somehow managed to.<br />
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My mom's good friends from Ecuador all gave me money so that I could get back to California. My siblings were so pissed that my mom's friends wanted nothing to do with them. Why was I getting all the attention? Why weren't they? She was their mother too! Well, perhaps if they had been taking care of my mom instead of leaving it all on my shoulders, they would've gotten sympathy.<br />
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All that change. It was like throwing my life up in the air and seeing where it all landed. Wine country was my destiny and this place has been good to me but I really feel deep down that my time here is drawing to an end. It will be time for me to move on soon and I'm terrified. There is nobody here to help me. There's just me and my debt and my bad credit. If I do move to San Francisco, the recluse in me will be forced to die.<br />
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Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one.Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-86252761927581215262012-08-06T15:18:00.000-07:002012-08-06T15:18:55.294-07:00Breakfast for Dummies - Day 1My imac is asleep most of the time when not in use but every so often it turns on in the middle of the night. This happened last night at around 3:30. For whatever reason, it didn't go back to sleep so I had to get up and shut it down. Unfortunately, by that time I was awake and couldn't fall back asleep. I lay awake and thought about breaking the fast and worried because I have read many conflicting things in terms of what should be eaten on the first day. <br />
<br />
Some people claim that raw is the only way to go during the first week. Others are eating eggs and rice on day 1. While I have no intention of eating eggs or rice during the first week, I'm uncertain as to what veggies are acceptable to eat in the first day. Some veggies are harder to digest than others.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>I managed to drift off to sleep a few hours later to experience some bizarre dreams. When I woke up, it was time. The best thing about breaking the fast was not having to scrub/chop/juice clean first thing in the a.m. I chopped up a golden apple and felt full after consuming about half of it. It took me a while to eat the rest. It was weird to eat. I had become so used to drinking my meals.<br /><br />
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I had a cantaloupe/carrot/ginger juice later this morning and for lunch, I made an avocado, banana, almond milk, honey smoothie with hemp protein powder. The banana and honey mask the earthy taste of the hemp powder and it tastes kind of good.<br />
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Got about halfway through the smoothie and I had to dart to the bathroom. Everything I've read about fastbreaking emphasizes that one should not venture too far away from the bathroom for the first few days. I feel incredibly full now that I've finished the whole thing. Full and bloated and tired. <br />
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I intend on drinking another green juice later tonight and perhaps have another piece of fruit but that's pretty doubtful given how full I am right now. Total baby steps. I don't want to jar my digestive system and I don't want to undo all I have achieved over the last 30 days.<br />
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I feel a bit sad today and I'm not quite sure why. This morning while watching Torchwood I started to cry. The episode wasn't overly dramatic but, for whatever reason, it hit an emotional nerve with me. All day I've sort of felt sluggish. I imagine this is all part of breaking the fast. Perhaps my digestive system is sad because naptime is over and it wanted to sleep some more... or maybe it's the realization that there is no permanent respite from anything. Things will always bounce back to whatever your reality defines as "normal". <br />
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It's beautiful outside, though. I can hear the wind chimes singing in the breeze. Wish I could walk but I cannot venture too far from the bathroom (rule #1 in Breaking a Juice Fast for Dummies)<br />
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There's always yoga....<br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-61316760167478970122012-08-05T17:16:00.000-07:002012-08-05T17:16:28.962-07:00Juice Fast Day 30 - the finish lineI made it! Fasted for 30 days and haven't died. Overall, I feel pretty good. Today I had a headache and felt off. But then I did that thing that I do to aid in the detox--- you know the one that involves caffeine, a bag, my ass and a tube? As soon as I did that, my headache was gone! I neglected the CE for two days this week and both times I felt those detox symptoms rearing their ugly heads again (headache and an overall "blah" feeling). This just confirms that to effectively do a detox fast of any sort, you must regularly do the CE to flush the toxins out; otherwise, those bitches'll make you crazy!!<br />
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Tomorrow is fruit only day for me...oh and juice. Not giving up the juicing. Going to break my fast with a piece of fruit--probably a golden apple and then have a fruit smoothie in the afternoon and probably another piece of fruit later in the day.... everything I've read states that you must be extremely careful when breaking the fast. My digestive system is asleep so I need to wake it up ever so gently or it might get really pissed at me and then I'll really be miserable. <br />
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<a name='more'></a>I stocked up on all kinds of fruits and veggies today for consumption. Can't wait to make salads. I will do raw for most of the week and then transition to steamed veggies. No coffee, wine or beer this week either. Eventually, I will indulge in a cup of coffee every so often (orally) but my daily 2+ cups in the morning days are behind me now... so are my half-a-bottle-to-a-full-bottle nights of red wine consumption. I think I will appreciate both wine and coffee so much more now... As a result of the fast, I have a new appreciation for herbal teas which I have consumed religiously over the course of the last month. <br /><br />
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I've definitely lost weight. Clothes that used to be tight on me no longer are. I see a shadow of the body I once had and it feels pretty good. I'm determined to get back to the weight I was ten years ago and I'm that much closer now... In fact, a photographer friend of mine is going to do my headshots later this month. I figure it couldn't hurt to have them so I can submit myself for work whenever it comes up. It's not like I have a permanent job right now...<br />
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My skin has cleared up, my mouth feels amazingly fresh and I look much better than I did before the fast. While I am still in the financial slump I was in a month ago, I'm confident that things will work out. They have to.<br />
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Torchwood is my new BFF. It's a TV show that airs on the BBC and that was recently added to Netflix. It has elements of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and is just an overall entertaining show to watch.<br />
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But tonight... True Blood beckons.Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-73708451923914835632012-08-04T15:55:00.000-07:002012-08-04T15:55:04.243-07:00Juice Fast Day 29 - My Body, the Hand GrenadeWhile America's ignorant homophobic population currently clogs their arteries by scarfing Chick-Fil-A sandwiches and nuggets, my wholesome body purrs gently in approval as I sip my spinach, carrot, celery, red onion and garlic, cherry tomato juice. <br />
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What has always baffled me about these right wing self-righteous bible-thumpers is the fact that they pick and choose which verses in the bible they're going to enforce while ignoring any of the ones that just may incriminate them as being hellbound.<br />
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For example, there's that whole Body=Temple of God thing??<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within
you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought
with a price. So glorify God in your body.
" (1st Corinthians, 6:19/20)<br />
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I hardly see how wolfing low quality processed food into your temple body is glorifying GOD. I wonder just how many of these Chick-Fil-A loving mutants weren't virgins on their wedding night or disobeyed their parents or committed adultery? My sister happens to be guilty of all three which means that, according to biblical law, she shall be stoned to death. Of course, she prefers to judge the gays and ignore all the rest since it doesn't suit her.<br />
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Mr. Chick-Fil-A, Dan Cathy, didn't just say he believes in the biblical definition of marriage, he actually donates CORPORATE money to a number of hate organizations. This is not okay! <br />
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With all the commotion over the last week, I've gotten to see where people in my social network stand on the issue and I was disgusted to see that my youngest nephew is rallying behind CFA. Someone really needs to educate him about his dead brother's sexual orientation. Perhaps he'll break free of the bible-thumping shackles that my sister bound him with.... <br />
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But until that apple distances himself far, far, far away from that tree, he continues to stuff toxic Chick-Fil-A into his body temple along with my fat sister while I, condemned to an afterlife of eternal hellfire of my own, purify my body temple with wholesome earth food. I think if JC really did exist, he'd be way more content with the way I treat my body, than the way they treat theirs.<br />
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Last week when I went shopping, I stopped at Whole Foods to buy some things that I want to incorporate into my diet after I break my fast. While I have been a vegetarian for most of my life, I have always been too much of a cheese addict to let it go. My mom also loved cheese and when I was a kid, we'd eat gouda cheese and crackers which was part of her culture while she was growing up. My favorite cake has always been cheese cake. Favorite food = pizza. I love all kinds of cheese...except blue. Never quite got into eating moldy cheese.<br />
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While I cannot commit to going totally vegan just now, I'm making an attempt to cut dairy out of my home food. I bought a couple of vegan cheese at WF and some nutritional yeast which is supposedly an amazing substitute for cheese. Whole Foods is never cheap. I would buy all my fruits and veggies there if I could; but unfortunately, it would cost me at least twice of what I'm paying now. <br />
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I cannot believe I've made it this far. Yay, me! This started out as a 7 day fast and then extended to 10, then 14 and then 30. 30 days was always my desired goal but I didn't want to commit to it until I was certain that I could do it...and I have. Jesus approves of this sinner, you Chick-Fil-A loving douchebags. <br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-86474529390917387322012-07-31T11:35:00.002-07:002012-07-31T11:43:19.502-07:00Day 25 - Personal JesusAnother food-free day in paradise. My bouts of hunger are somewhat under control although I do still crave something solid. This morning my neighbor invited me out for dinner and a drink. I had to remind her that i was fasting.<br />
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As I mentioned, the juice-making process is a bitch. I listen to music as I juice and average at least a whole album during the prep to cleanup process.<br />
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One of my favorite albums to listen to these days is the Nina Hagen gospel album. It is truly brilliant. The recurring theme of the album is Jesus. It includes everything from a cover of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus to old school gospel songs. It's a total reinvention of the Nina I fell in love with back in the 80's. The mere fact that I'm singing to gospel would make my mom proud.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>Whenever my mom would come visit, she would read her bible and pray for at least an hour before bed. She'd also bother me to take her to church to which I would always decline. One year, when I lived in Venice, I offered to take her to this cute little church within walking distance from my apartment. I knew what kind of church it was but I wanted to see how my mom would respond.<br />
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It was an all-black church and my mom and I were the only white people there. The women immediately took a liking to my mom and before the sermon they exchanged stories about Jesus and just how fucking merciful he is. They offered us all kinds of food including grits and biscuits. My mom indulged. I, however, was in a total vanity phase at the time so I declined. I think the ladies were offended by that.<br />
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During the pre-sermon worship, one of the ladies came down to our row, took my mom by the hand and invited her to dance and sing with the choir. The image of my mom in that all-black church, swaying and singing with her arms up in the air in a tribute to Jesus is forever burned in my memory. It was a true Kodak moment...and one that brought tears to my eyes. <br />
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I'm not a fan of organized religion but these people made church entertaining. Unlike the churches I had previously been to with my mom, this one was stripped of any pretension regarding faith. These people were the real deal. And watching my mom with those women really helped me see her in a different light.<br />
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My mom had to switch churches in Florida a few times because she couldn't take the mindset of the people and sometimes felt ostracized. People judged her because she wasn't a white-bred housewife with perfect doll-like white-bred children.<br />
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I'll never forget going with her to church once when I was a teenager and hearing someone refer to my mom as Cuban. I interjected and said, "My mom isn't Cuban, she's from Ecuador". And the lady said something along the lines of them being right next to each other. I made it a point of educating her on the geographical location of Cuba in respect to Ecuador. My mom was well-educated and cultured and I couldn't understand why she would surround herself with these people. <br />
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I hated that world. <br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-5631981559493412992012-07-30T14:29:00.001-07:002012-07-30T14:34:27.918-07:00Day 24 Juice Fast - Light at the end of the tunnelOne week from today I will be breaking my fast. I've read up on breaking a juice fast and all seem to concur that you need to ease the digestive system back into it by consuming only raw fruits and veggies for the first few days. Juicing should remain a dominant part of the diet.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>It will probably be another week after the end of the fast before I feel confident enough to start eating things like oatmeal and rice and cheese--- although I've decided that I'm going to cut dairy out of my diet at least while I'm at home. It's really not practical to believe that I can go out to eat and there would be a plethora of vegan options on the menu. Also, I really love omelets. There are some egg substitutes on the market, though, that I will try.... and vegan cheeses.<br />
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About ten years ago when I lived in LA, I saw a psychic. She was referred to me by my boss at Sony. At that time in my life, I was really in a dire place and was desperate to pull myself out of it which is what drove me to make an appointment with the psychic.<br />
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The psychic was this hippy British women who lived in the Bay area. As soon as she saw me, she told me that my diet was affecting my body's ability to heal itself emotional. I was a vegetarian and ate relatively healthy although I was periodically skipping meals and the meals I did eat were usually loaded with carbs because I was hungover and needed comfort food. I was also drinking an insane amount of alcohol and consuming valium. She suggested that I become a vegan and cut out alcohol. She claimed it would help detoxify my body and enable me to heal. Pretty much everything I'm doing now...<br />
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She told me she could guide me through this process for a measly $500. Since she lived in Northern California, she said we could communicate by email and phone. Given how desperate I was, I agreed to it.<br />
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During that time she gave me a menu of recipes. Most of what I needed to buy was at Whole Foods and was incredibly expensive. So, not only was I $500 less than I was prior to seeing the psychic but I also had to double my grocery budget.<br />
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During that month I ate nothing but vegan food. I was amazed at how good so many of these dishes were. I even made certain dishes for carnivorous friends of mine who couldn't believe they were 100% vegan. Cheese has always been a huge weakness of mine and I was elated to find a cheese substitute that tasted.. well.. like cheese. <br />
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I ended up falling off the vegan diet as I simply couldn't afford it. When I look back at that time, I believe I wasted a lot of money. The psychic really didn't help me at all. Perhaps I wasn't ready to shift gears in my life back then as I was mourning over a number of things--especially a lost relationship and the fact that my ex told me to "get a real job and give up on the dream of making it as an actor". That sort of set all these negative thoughts in motion. My spirit really took a beating and I don't think I ever fully recovered from that while I was in LA.<br />
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Saturday, I spoke with a friend of mine from LA who I hadn't spoke with for over 5 years. We spoke for almost two and a half hours. He lives in NYC now. We've stayed "friends" on Facebook and emailed each other but we hadn't actually spoke since we both lived in LA. Not sure what prompted me to call him...<br />
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Back in the LA days we were quite close. We both temped at Sony and hated it. One of the execs kept hitting on me. It was grossly inappropriate and my friend told me I should sue him because he kept calling me at home and telling me he could help my career. My friend (who was gay) and I pretended we were dating to get this guy off my back. My friend, who was originally from New York, never did mesh with my other friends from NYU... he was more down to earth and not caught up in the pretentiousness of LA.<br />
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Years later he told me he couldn't believe I had stayed friends with my "LA circle" for so long because I was so unlike them. I always tried to look out for him and even got him a part in a play I was doing. We ended up bonding with the director and a few of the actors in the play thus a new circle of friends was born.<br />
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One of them was this Romanian director guy who was very passionate about theatre. I acted in a lot of his plays which were really bizarre and made no sense. One of his plays was panned by LA Weekly. (They did compliment the actors, though!) <br />
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He was extremely passionate. He had beautiful green eyes and when he would get worked up about something, they'd get really wide. There was a hint of insanity in those eyes. That said, I loved him dearly. His wife wasn't an actor but she was very sweet... plus she was a pothead which was great for me since, at the time, I was one too. <br />
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Back in those days, the Romanian and his wife would have wild and crazy parties. They lived within walking distance from my place so I was always there.<br />
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One day after one of the plays, they had a wrap party. I played two characters in that show. One was very commedia dell'arte. I wore a wig and had bizarre makeup and, again, gave an opening monologue that made no sense. God bless the Romanian director. My hair was sprayed down with hair spray from the wig. There were wall candles all over the apartment. <br />
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As I was leaving the party I stopped by the front door to say goodbye to my friend from NY and his boyfriend. It all happened so fast but I remember hearing my friend from NY say, "Your hair is on fire". Apparently, the hairspray from earlier had made my hair super flammable. Romanian director and a bunch of our friends were in the main area casually drinking cocktails and laughing at the fact that my hair was on fire. I screamed, "Don't just stand there! Somebody put out my hair!". My NY friend threw something on it and put it out. It seemed like an eternity.<br />
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My hair was seriously singed and I'm lucky that it didn't burn my scalp because it came awfully close. What I cannot believe is that so much time went by before somebody actually put it out. Many years prior when I lived in NYC, I had a similar experience.<br />
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I had a circle of friends back then--mostly gay men--- who loved to party. We would hang out at this place called King which was a gay bar in Chelsea. One night, I was sitting on a wall bench with lit candles behind it. My drag queen friend, Phaye, was sitting next to me. Suddenly I heard this sizzling sound. I said to Phaye, "What's that noise?" And he screamed "Girl, your hair's on fire!" and my hair never had a chance to really flame up because Phaye was on top of it and put it right out... with his hands! My hair was barely singed that night. I also ended up getting free drinks from management for the "inconvenience". <br />
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That's pretty much the difference between NY and LA. <br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-60622895359558282562012-07-29T13:39:00.002-07:002012-07-29T14:41:26.505-07:00Day 23 Juice Fast - A dream within a dream...I'm tired of juicing. It really is a lot of work. You gotta scrub veggies/fruits with veggie cleaner if they're not organic. If they are organic, you still need to soak them--you just don't need to scrub as vigorously. Then you gotta cut them up so they fit in the chute. Sometimes I use up to 8 different veggies/fruits in a juice.<br />
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While I love my new juicer, the Omega 350 HD, juicing is time consuming because you need to alternate between whatever you're juicing to ensure that it doesn't get clogged. It's an auger juicer so it's very slow. Greens and anything with a texture is susceptible to clogging the juicer. I try to put greens in everything so there's always a risk of clogging. When it clogs, it's a bitch to clean. It also ejects more pulp than most juicers so I have to attach a sieve in between the spout and the juice container. The sieve gets a film of pulp that resembles swamp scum and it needs to be cleaned out repeatedly. I have gotten better at using this juicer. It rarely clogs now whereas when I first got it, it clogged all the time. Sometimes it takes up to an hour to make one juice.<br />
<a name='more'></a>Then, once it's done, it's time to clean. This juicer is relatively easy to clean but still, when I'm done juicing, I want to sit down and drink--not clean. Leaving it too long unclean can cause it to clog and the pulp to stick. I have taken to throwing the pulp into the vineyards as compost. Giving it back to the earth. Yeah, I'm ecologically conscious.<br />
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Then, alas, I can indulge in my concoction. Usually, I create my own unique juices and experiment. I've gotten pretty good at it but I have made some stinkers (as my mom would say). I've started grading my juices. Most of them are around a C but every now and then I'm blessed with an A or cursed with a D. If it's an F, I just won't drink it. I've only had one juice that was so disgusting that I had to throw it out and that was at the beginning of this venture.<br />
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Still doing the CE's and the dry skin brushing. I'm amazed that the discoloration that cursed my upper abdominal region for years has disappeared. Just what it was, I will never know. I assume it was a result of tanning beds.<br />
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A week from tomorrow I will break my fast but I still cannot indulge in wine or beer or coffee even... and I don't really want to go back to my old diet as then this would all be for a waste. But, in reality I had a healthy diet... more healthy than most people. I haven't eaten meat in more than 25 years. It's rare that I will eat "fast food". The only fast food places I visited since converting to vegetarianism was Subway or Taco Bell although I stopped doing Taco Bell when someone told me they had lard in their beans. Gross.<br />
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My weakness isn't diet, it's medication... I take so many pills just to sleep...and I like to drink. Oh yes, I like to drink. Throughout my fast, I have taken melatonin before bed. I have slept pretty solid. Last night, however, I didn't. I was awakened at about 4am by a horrible dream.<br />
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It was a dream within a dream. I was being attacked by evil forces but I pulled myself out of it and woke up from that dream. Arms reached out on either side of me and started trying to pull me back into the dream world. My mother woke me up. She wanted me to take her to Bed, Bath and Beyond. It was the mother I experienced before she died not the vibrant mother of my youth.<br />
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She was old and hobbled with a walker. She insisted on going now (my mother did a lot of insisting when I was caring for her which drove me crazy). I told her I couldn't because I needed to do research. Next thing I know, I'm in a mall and Bobst (the NYU library which I haven't seen in 17 years) is in the mall. My mom tells me that she's going to go to BB&B which is on the other side of the mall. I go into Bobst and start researching my dreams and the demons from my dream world. One of the results said it was something called "night terrors". The librarian started talking to me about it and said that it was hard to escape the night terrors once they got a hold of you.<br />
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Just then I saw my mom coming down the escalator. There was a very ominous presence but it wasn't a demon. It was death and I knew my mom was going to die. I felt incredibly sad in the dream and started to cry.<br />
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When I woke up I was crying and it took me a few minutes to find myself. There is an inflated dragonfly that my neighbor gave me hovering over my bed. Oh yes. I'm in Sonoma. NYU is but a distant memory. My mom died nearly 4 years ago and I'm unemployed.<br />
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That is my unfortunate reality.<br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-17463834170682738642012-07-27T19:28:00.000-07:002012-07-27T19:37:41.371-07:00Juice Fast Day 21Props to me for making it this far. Three weeks on nothing but juice, decaf herbal tea, coconut water, water and almond milk. For someone who started her day with coffee and ended it with either a glass of red wine or a beer, that's quite an accomplishment.<br />
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The year I left LA, I had a weird discoloration that appeared in my upper abdomen just under my breasts. It was very pronounced. When I moved to FL to care for my mom, I went to her doctor who looked at it and said I should go to a dermatologist. I've lived with it for 5 years always believing that it was probably from my LA days of tanning beds.<br />
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This morning I noticed it was gone. Well... mostly gone. At first glance it looks gone but taking a closer look there is still a faint discoloration.<br />
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<a name='more'></a> If there was any doubt that this fast isn't doing something to heal my body, that doubt is now gone. It could also be a result of the dry skin brushing but I've only been doing it for 5 days.<br />
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I've definitely lost weight but I have no idea how much. I don't own a scale as I pay attention mostly to my size than to my weight. A few years go, I was 150 lbs but got into a size 8 and didn't look overweight. Muscle mass weighs more than fat so poundage can be misleading. I'm all about size.<br />
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Lately, I have noticed vibrations and energy in my body. I can definitely feel it moving around in a circular motion inside of me. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see waves of light almost in a kaleidoscope pattern.<br />
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A week from Monday is my scheduled date to break the fast. The only thing that would cause me to break the fast early is a job interview that would call on me to drive into San Francisco but I don't foresee that. Not sure if I want to go back to coffee in the morning as a ritual. Think I might drink more tea. Tea and I have bonded over the last few weeks.<br />
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Perhaps I will move to England since I drink tea, love their ale and have no reason to say in this country. In fact, I need a change. Plus all the cool bands are from England.<br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-64541853974790353022012-07-26T12:08:00.001-07:002012-07-26T12:08:23.969-07:00Day 20 - not quite sure where Day 19 went...Seems like I woke up yesterday and, in a flash, the day was over...<br />
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Shopped, juiced, stuck some coffee up my ass, dry brushed, showered, looked for work on Craig's List, watched Luther which is my new Netflix addiction, drank a lot of tea, shopped for a japanese style vegetable knife online and then went to sleep. <br />
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<br />
Last night I dreamt I ate pizza. <br />
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No spiritual epiphanies and nothing too exciting. I think I'm depressed and bored with my life. Oh, and I'm hungry. <br />
<br />
I'm also disgusted by the whole scenario with my sister and my graphic designer friend. Even though I paid her bill, he is clearly mad at me as he didn't bother reaching out to me for my birthday and hasn't returned any of my emails.<br />
<br />
I finally decided to confront him as I'm not one to play games. If there's a problem, out with it already. My email to him basically asked if he was upset with me and I wanted to know why. I did everything I possibly could to make the situation right with him which included paying the bill. I then went on and told him what a shame it would be if the situation with my sister impacted our friendship because he was a dear friend to me. That was sent Tuesday night. No response.<br />
<br />
So, this ended up costing me $100 that I didn't really have, my relationship with my friend who is also a valuable work reference and, of course, I've cut my sister out of my life as a result of this debacle. All of this for a simple referral. Let that be a valuable lesson. <br />
<br />
People never cease to amaze me. <br />
<br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-55367663354243287612012-07-24T12:20:00.001-07:002012-07-24T19:03:05.656-07:00Day 18 Juice Fast - Goodbye 44This morning my neighbor came by with a beautiful rose plant, an inflated helium giant dragonfly and 2 birthday cards. Then my friend Eugene sent me a $25 Amazon card. If nothing else happens today, that is enough to make this birthday not so painful. Just a reminder that there are still some people who care that it's my birthday.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>Woke up to a Facebook wall painted with Birthday wishes but not one from anyone in my immediate family. Not one from any of my cousins in Belgium or my brother or my nephews. All of my Ecuadorian cousins, however, have left their Feliz Compleanos' on my wall.<br />
<br />
From my experience, Latins are much warmer than most cultures. I identify more with my Latin roots than my European ones probably because I live with my heart on my sleeve like most Latins. My mom was very much like that.<br />
<br />
Birthdays are hard for me because I end up missing my mom all the more. She is the one who made a big deal about birthdays. She would make an effort to visit me in NYC or LA on my birthday. There were only a handful of times that she didn't visit me for my birthday and it was mostly towards the end when she got progressively sick.<br />
<br />
Throughout the day, she would say, "__ years ago I was on my way to the hospital", or "__ years ago I was in labor." I was born at 7:00 pm east coast time.<br />
<br />
When my mom gave birth to me she was separated from my father. My father accused my mother of having an affair with her friend Antoinette's husband. Of course, my mom would never do something like that. Aside from the fact that she believed sex outside marriage to be completely immoral, she would never betray her husband OR her friend. She just wasn't like that. But my dad most certainly would.. which is how he came up with that scenario in his drunk, paranoid, twisted mind. She left him a couple of months before I was born. They reconciled after I was born.<br />
<br />
Ironically, I look more like my dad than either of my siblings.<br />
<br />
After my mom died, I spent a lot of time with my mom's friends from Ecuador including Antoinette. My mom's friends were a major source of support both emotional and financial after my mom died. I had nowhere to live and they took me in and helped me come up with the funds to make it back to California.<br />
<br />
My mom knew many of her friends from Ecuador but a lot of these friends had moved to Miami. This circle of friends were very tight knit. During the 60's and 70's, they'd have social gatherings and my father would always get drunk and beat my mother. Her friends told me that they had to stop inviting my mom because my father would always make a scene. This is the tip of the iceberg. My dad was a violent drunk, took it out on my mom and didn't care who saw. I saw him hit her or on more than one occasion. Once, my siblings and I had to pull him off of her when he was attempting to stick her face into a pot of boiling rice.<br />
<br />
My father was not a nice man when he drank. If he hadn't been such an alcoholic, he might've been a better husband and a better father. When he wasn't drunk, he was very melancholy and would silently stare out into space. I don't have a lot of fond memories of him. He liked Clint Eastwood and used to take me to the movies whenever a new Clint movie came out. He bought me a car when I turned 18. Oh, and he got me drunk a lot when I was a teenager. I guess he felt that was the only way to "bond" with me during the two weeks of the summer that I spent with him.<br />
<br />
I wanted to break my fast this morning. It's getting harder and harder for me to continue. Drinks are getting boring. I'm getting more hunger pains and I'm ready just to say fuck it and start eating raw kale. It's hard but I will keep pushing and hopefully reach my goal of 30 days.<br />
<br />
My neighbor said in her card that we'd celebrate my birthday the right way when I was done juicing. That means good food and good wine.<br />
<br />
Patience.<br />
<br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-63727992472392333472012-07-23T18:42:00.002-07:002012-07-23T20:17:50.139-07:00Day 17 - I touch rosesLast night I thought I was gonna die again. I felt big time rushes where I thought I was going to pass out. I got scared because I thought I just might pass out and had to fight it with everything I had which wasn't easy. I felt high and paranoid... and incredibly alone.<br />
<br />
The sensation reminded me of the days when I would snort poppers. My goth friends and I would dress in black and go clubbing every night. One of our favorite spots was this new wave bar called The Masquerade. We would get stoned in the parking lot, drink excessively and go on the dance floor and snort poppers or "rush" as we called it. I believe that it was the poppers that gave me the seizure disorder. I did so much of it that there was a crust around my nostrils.<br />
<br />
I remember once my (former) BFF and I were in the car getting stoned and my sister showed up with a boyfriend. BFF said, "Am I stoned or is that your sister??" I couldn't believe it. Once I had told her about The Masquerade and she knew I spent my weekends there but I never thought she would actually crash my party. Bitch.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>We went in the bar and she called me behind the stage to show me something spray painted on the wall. It said, "Why kill time when you can kill yourself?" Clearly she disproved of my beloved Masquerade. Then she asked how I would feel if Adam and Ryan saw that. Never would I have thought that twenty years later Adam would commit suicide. Sweet little Adam.<br />
<br />
I was closer to Adam than my sister's other son. Since my sister was divorced and had two children, she needed help and I offered to watch them. She took full advantage of that. Adam was less than a year old when my sister divorced and she worked full time. I cut my hours at work in order to help her. My aunts and uncles hadn't really made an effort to be in my life and I wanted to be different with my nephews. I really got attached to Adam. I'd feed him, change his diaper and make funny faces until he laughed. I saw him grow out of infancy and into a young boy. <br />
<br />
Then my sister met her soon to be 2nd (now ex) husband. What a dick he was. He gave me his cat because my sister was allergic. When, I went to pick up the cat (stupidly named "Spike". I changed his name to Church after the cat in Pet Sematary), the kids were calling him "Daddy". My sister's first husband and the kids' biological dad was actually a nice guy. I really liked him and was bummed when they divorced. I couldn't believe that after only dating this guy for 3 months, she had gotten engaged to him and had her kids calling him Daddy. What a bitch.<br />
<br />
She got married on Friday the 13th on the beach at sundown. BFF and I showed up at the wedding stoned and Adam cried and cried throughout the ceremony. Midway through the ceremony, my sister went up to him, grabbed his arm and sternly said, "Adam. Stop it! This is a very important day to mommy!". BFF whispered in my ear, "She will never forgive him for this".<br />
<br />
A few months after her wedding, she told me that she didn't want me around her kids because my friends were freaks and we did drugs. Her husband also didn't like me and the feeling was mutual. He had absolutely no personality. There was no warmth and I couldn't understand what my sister saw in him. She ended up manipulating her kids into writing a letter to their biological father asking him to give up parental rights so my sister's new husband could adopt them. And he did. When he adopted them, that's when things got worse. He was all about discipline.<br />
<br />
I was happy to learn that when the kids got older and passed the age of 18, they found their biological father. Adam was the spitting image of him and they had gotten close over the last couple of years before he died. At the memorial I saw her first husband for the first time in 20 years and with tears in his eyes he gave me a big hug. I couldn't help but wonder how different things would be if my sister had never divorced him.<br />
<br />
I moved to New York the following year. When I came to visit, I wanted to see my nephews but my sister didn't want me to. Finally, my mom managed to get her to let Adam go out with us. Adam and my mom took me to the airport and Adam looked at me crying and said, "I don't want you to go.". I will never forget that. It would be years before I would see Adam again. She cut my mom out of their lives for a while too. What a bitch my sister is. Poor Adam had to grow up around that insanity and it's no wonder that he felt isolated and depressed.<br />
<br />
My mom told me she thought their stepfather was too hard on Adam and that he seemed sad all the time. Given the homophobia in that household, it must've been hell for Adam. I wish I could have done more for him... maybe it would have made a difference.<br />
<br />
I think that Adam's older brother is doing drugs. He was Adam's roommate and I think he feels somewhat responsible. He has been going to all night techno parties and was going to a Paul Oakenfold concert. I know back in my days that meant ecstasy.... and whatever else was in the house. I find it hard to believe that things have changed that much in the rave world. He's 26 now and doesn't really keep in touch beyond Facebook. The most I ever talked to him was last year when he called me and we spoke for almost 3 hours.<br />
<br />
So why did he call me? Because my sister had flown out to San Francisco to meet some guy she met on the internet. She stayed in San Francisco for the weekend and I never saw her. It was the weekend of my mom's birthday and I thought it would be nice to pay tribute to her over lunch. Going to San Francisco is a chore. All communication was done by text and most of it was her going on and on about "Brad" and how much she liked him. She really, really liked him!<br />
<br />
First I was going to take the ferry but the schedule is terrible on weekends; so I thought about driving into the city but parking is always a nightmare and insanely expensive. Since she was staying at the W, I asked her if there was complimentary parking which she didn't really seem to want to look into. And she didn't really seem to want to do lunch with me either. She insisted she didn't have a lot of time for lunch and: can Brad come? I really, really like him! <br />
<br />
I told her to have lunch with Brad. I didn't want to have lunch with some guy I didn't know and talk about intimate things like my dead mother and my dead life. She couldn't break away from him for a couple of hours to see her sister when she flew across the country and is literally a couple of counties away. It didn't seem worth it for me to go through the trouble of making it out to San Francisco so I decided to stay in wine country and bike my little heart out...and that's exactly what I did. I also didn't speak to her for months... <br />
<br />
I found out later that she had sex with him and he never called her again. What a hypocrite. She has judged me because I watch TV shows that have people having sex out of wedlock yet it's perfectly okay for her to. <br />
<br />
So last night was scary. After feeling head rushes, dizziness, anxiety and just overall weirdness, I started to cry about everything. I must have detoxed too much yesterday with the dry skin brushing and coffee enema and my body was having a healing crisis.<br />
<br />
Today I woke up with I Touch Roses by Book of Love in my head. I've been listening to it all day... and dancing just like I did back in the day. It's strange. I was quite the dancer in the 80s but it was more of a sway...usually with a cocktail in my hand. That song reminds me of the days of rush and The Masquerade. This leads me to believe that it is all relative and my body is detoxing. It's even taking me back to those days by planting music from that time in my head.<br />
<br />
I'm supposed to focus on green juices while I'm fasting but I'm sick of them. I did one green juice today and the rest were fruit. 80% of what I consume should be veggies. I've been pretty good at adhering to that unti today. I just needed a break. Sometimes the green drinks I make are surprisingly good but the last couple of days aren't really doing it. Gotta say that I'm getting sick of juice... but I persevere.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 45. It will be the first birthday in my adult life that I have not drunk alcohol. Last year my (former) BFF came out and we went wine tasting with my neighbor. We went to a few wineries. My favorite was Ledson which is a huge castle in Glen Ellen on the cusp of Santa Rosa. It's beautiful and cool. There are also a number of tasting rooms on the premises. Then we went to an upscale Mexican restaurant and feasted on Mexican food and margaritas.<br />
<br />
Never would I have thought that the following year I would be A) out of a job; B) not speaking to him; C) on day 18 of a juice fast.<br />
<br />
A lot can happen in a year. I wonder what I will be doing next year... hopefully I will be in a better place than I am now, doing something I love and with people who appreciate me and all my quirks.<br />
<br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-85860481079338664592012-07-22T18:15:00.000-07:002012-07-22T19:08:50.412-07:00Juice Fast Day 16Today I've been up and down and all around (cue Madonna)... I woke up feeling really out of it. I slept like a rock but this morning, when I got up I had gook all over my eyes. That never happens.<br />
<br />
My uncle (the nice one) called this morning to give me a pep talk and to tell me not to be discouraged by my family of douchebags. He reminded me that my family died when my mom did and the rest of them including my siblings and the shallow Aunt in Belgium are toxic and negative and don't need my attention. He's right.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>After I finally woke up, I felt better. I went to the produce market, stocked up and came home to try out my new dry skin brushing brush. Last week when I was doing my coffee enema research, I read about dry brushing which helps detoxify your body by getting rid of dead cells and giving you the opportunity to sweat it out.<br />
<br />
You take a vegetable-based dry brush and brush your skin in a circular motion. You're supposed to move towards your heart. You do your whole body but your face and nipples. I like to think of my face and nipples as having something in common... they're both in the no dry brush zone.<br />
<br />
While doing it today, I started to sweat profusely. It could be as a result of the heat or maybe the dry brushing. I did feel incredibly tired afterwards and somewhat strange... kind of lightheaded and almost high.<br />
<br />
Then I decided to try the dreaded coffee enema. You're supposed to hold it for 10 to 15 minutes. I tried it yesterday but had no luck so today, I decided to give it another go. It's all about detoxing. I'm not starving myself for kicks and not even to lose weight. I want to purify my body and rid myself of toxins accumulated from years and years of self-medicating and drug abuse. If I'm going to commit to this, I want to do it right hence the dry brushing and coffee enemas.<br />
<br />
Let's just say I held it for 12 minutes and it was gross. The after effects were bizarre. I felt super tired and then I felt somewhat light-headed and, again, things seemed kind of weird. Shortly after, I was juicing my dinner and was completely in the moment. I couldn't get out of the moment even if I wanted to. I was completely focused on juicing and sponging the countertop.<br />
<br />
I did some research online to find out what some of the after-effects were and stumbled on something that was really freaky. When it comes to sex and sexuality, I try to hold no judgment but when it comes to beastiality and such, I have a hard time doing so.<br />
<br />
Today, I found a community of people who are into enemas. One guy even went on about how he likes to give himself an enema, jerk off and then stick a cucumber up his ass. At first, I thought it was a joke but... no... it's for real.<br />
<br />
My dinner is gross. I made the mistake of putting string beans in my juice because my neighbor gave me a bag and I didn't want to waste it. It doesn't really mesh with the recipe which is kale, a cucumber (couldn't help but think of the freaky enema erotica man), romaine lettuce, ginger, 2 apples and the string beans. Unfortunately, when that happens, I force myself to drink it down even though it's not palatable. Waste not as my mamma taught me.<br />
<br />
My neighbor came knocking on my door late yesterday and asked me if I wanted to play. She had her bathing suit on and wanted to run through the sprinkler. I politely passed on that but I did hang out on the chaise lounge for a while and it was beautiful. Weather here is strange. It was insanely hot all day but in the early evening it was cold to the point that I had to go in and get a sweater.<br />
<br />
While I was outside, I had a nice conversation with my neighbor which helped me feel at least a little bit better about my shitty family. My neighbor forgot my birthday but when she realized it's coming up, she wanted to take me out for dinner. I had to remind her. Me. Fasting. She then offered to take me to the movies. I really want to see Prometheus. Idris Elba is the sexiest man alive. Then I thought about the smell of popcorn and I declined.<br />
<br />
Fasting is best done as a recluse. Any social interaction makes it impossible to not eat. Also, having a weak moment and eating popcorn or pizza or whatever after fasting this long, could really make me sick. You need to transition slowly into a whole foods diet.<br />
<br />
Today I officially made it to stage 4 of the fast which is 16 to 30 days. I've surpassed the halfway point. The next and final phase is breaking the fast. Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-39838514870595374572012-07-21T18:46:00.000-07:002012-07-21T18:46:06.076-07:00The Black Sheep<span class="chead"></span>After a funeral someone said to me -<br />
You know I only see you at funerals<br />
it's been 3 since June -<br />
been 5 since June for me -<br />
He said I've made a vow -<br />
I only go to death parties if I know someone before<br />
they were sick -<br />
Why?<br />
cause - cause - cause I feel I feel so<br />
sad cause I never knew their life -<br />
and now I only know their death<br />
And because we are members of the<br />
Black Sheep family -<br />
<br />
We are sheep with no shepherd -<br />
We are sheep with no straight and narrow<br />
We are sheep with no meadow<br />
We are sheep who take the dangerous<br />
pathway thru the mountain range<br />
to get to the other side of our soul.<br />
We are the black sheep of the family<br />
called Black Sheep folk.<br />
We always speak our mind.<br />
appreciate differences in culture<br />
believe in sexual preferences<br />
believe in no racism no sexism no religionism<br />
and we'll fight for what we believe<br />
but usually we're pagans,<br />
There's always one in every family<br />
Even when we're surrounded by bodies<br />
we're always alone -<br />
You're born alone<br />
and you die alone<br />
written by a black sheep.<br />
You can't take it with you -<br />
written by a former black sheep.<br />
Black Sheep folk look different from their family -<br />
The way they look at the world<br />
We're a quirk of nature -<br />
We're a quirk of fate -<br />
Usually our family, our city, our country<br />
never understands us -<br />
We knew this from when we were very young<br />
that we were not meant to be understood.<br />
That's right. That's our job.<br />
Usually we're not appreciated<br />
until the next generation.<br />
That's our life. That's our story.<br />
Usually we're outcasts, outsiders<br />
in our own family.<br />
Don't worry - get used to it.<br />
My sister says I don't understand you !<br />
But I have hundreds of sisters with me tonight.<br />
My brother says I don't want you !<br />
But I have hundreds of brothers with me here tonight !<br />
My mother says I don't know how to love someone like you !<br />
You're so different from the rest !<br />
But I have hundreds of mamas with me here tonight !<br />
My father says I don't know how to hold you !<br />
But I have hundreds of daddies with me here tonight !<br />
<br />
We're related to people we love who can't say -<br />
I love you Black Sheep daughter<br />
I love you Black Sheep son -<br />
I love you outcast, I love you outsider<br />
But tonight we love each other -<br />
That's why we're here -<br />
to be around others like ourselves -<br />
So it doesn't hurt quite so much -<br />
In our world, our temple of difference -<br />
I am at my loneliest when I have<br />
something to celebrate and try<br />
to share it with those I love but<br />
who don't love me back.<br />
There's always silence at the end<br />
of the phone -<br />
There's always silence at the end<br />
of the phone -<br />
<br />
Sister - Congratulate me !<br />
NO I CAN'T YOU'RE TOO LOUD -<br />
GRANDMA LOVE ME<br />
NO I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE<br />
SOMEONE LIKE YOU<br />
Sometimes the Black Sheep is a soothsayer,<br />
a psychic, a magician of sorts -<br />
Black Sheep see the invisible<br />
We know each others thoughts<br />
We feel fear and hatred<br />
<br />
Sometimes, some sheep are chosen to be sick<br />
to finally have average, flat, boring<br />
people say I love you.<br />
Sometimes, Black Sheep are chosen to be sick<br />
so families can finally come together<br />
and say I love you.<br />
Sometimes, some Black Sheep are chosen to die<br />
so loved ones, families, countries<br />
and cultures<br />
can finally say<br />
Your life was worth living !<br />
Your life meant something to me !<br />
I loved you all along !<br />
<br />
Black Sheep's destinies are not in<br />
necessarily having families,<br />
having prescribed existences -<br />
like the American Dream.<br />
Black Sheep destinies are to give<br />
meaning in life - to be angels,<br />
to be conscience, to be nightmares<br />
to be actors in dreams.<br />
<br />
Black Sheep can be family to strangers<br />
We can love each other like MOTHER<br />
FATHER SISTER BROTHER CHILD<br />
We understand universal love<br />
We understand unconditional love.<br />
We feel a unique responsibility<br />
a human responsibility for feelings for others<br />
We can be all things to all people -<br />
We are there at 3.30AM when you call<br />
We are here tonight cause I just can't<br />
go to sleep. I have nowhere else to go -<br />
I'm a creature of the night -<br />
I travel in your dreams<br />
I feel your nightmares<br />
We are your holding hand -<br />
We are your pillow, your receiver,<br />
your cuddly toy.<br />
I feel your pain.<br />
I wish I could relieve you of your suffering.<br />
I wish I could relieve you of your pain.<br />
I wish I could relieve you of your death.<br />
Silence at the end of the phone.<br />
Silence at the end of the phone.<br />
Silence at the end of the phone.<br />
<br />
- Karen Finley<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6293310020264433594.post-27497461159341174592012-07-21T17:21:00.000-07:002012-07-21T17:47:13.821-07:00Day 15 (cont'd) - Shadows of ourselvesMy mom's father was Hungarian, her mother was Ecuadorian. Her parents had 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls of which my mom was one. I remember my grandfather but not my "grandmother"... I met her once when I was a kid. From what I've heard, she was a cruel woman and a terrible mother. She never called my mom or sent her a letter unless it was to ask for money.<br />
<br />
After my grandfather split with my grandmother, he married a German woman. They had a girl, my aunt D. My grandfather was very wealthy and very strict. My mom told me that she never felt loved by either of her parents. That breaks my heart but I can relate. I felt love from my mom but not from anyone else in my family. The notion of "family" is foreign to me. I only know what I see on TV and in movies. The fairy tale depiction of family is something I've yearned for but never experienced. I think this was missing in my mom's life too.<br />
<br />
When she was 17, she ran away from home to marry my father. The two then moved in with my dad's family and eventually left Ecuador for the US to pursue the "American Dream". First they lived in New York, then Miami which is where all three of their children were born. She was pregnant years before my brother but she lost the child.<br />
<br />
My parents split when I was 10 and my mom's dream of having her own "Leave it to Beaver" family was shattered. As a result, she lived a life of loneliness, depression and suffering---never quite living in the moment but either looking back or forward to the day that she would be with Jesus. I often wonder how different my life would be if my mom had turned to her Jewish roots instead of converting to Christianity. Christianity has scarred me which is why I have such an aversion to it.<br />
<br />
My mom was so blinded by her desire to start a family that she didn't really consider who she was marrying. Had she taken a good hard objective look at my dad, she'd have seen just what she was getting.<br />
<br />
My mom was cultured, well-educated and my dad was a thug. In short, she was too good for him. My grandfather was very vocal about his disapproval of my father and shortly after this, someone in the gang that my father hung out with shattered a bottle over his head.<br />
<br />
My father was a drunk. He used to beat my mother, call her a Jew and spit on her. Once my mom told me he raped her. He used to hit me too and once, when he was drunk, he chased me with a hatchet and I had to lock myself in a room and climb out the window.<br />
<br />
I hate my father. I always have. I cannot even begin to explain how much I resent him for all the things he's done. Maybe if he'd been a better husband and father, my siblings wouldn't have turned out to be so apathetic.<br />
<br />
When he died, I was devastated not for the loss of my father but for the realization that I would never have the relationship with my dad that I had always hoped for.<br />
<br />
When I was around 19, I met my (former) BFF and his family. I managed a record store and my BFF worked there. We ended up hanging out all the time and he introduced me to his family. He had 7 siblings. His parents were very sweet, especially his dad who was more like a father to me than my own. Their last name was "White" and I used to call their home "The White House".<br />
<br />
It really bothered my mom that I spent so much time there but I told her once that I hung out there because they were more like a family to me than my own family and it has been that way for most of my adult life. <br />
<br />
I regret saying that to my mom because it hurt her. I was the last of her children still living at home and I preferred a stranger's family to ours. So she made Jesus and the church her family. And that put a wedge between my mother and I that stayed there for the rest of her life.<br />
<br />
Of my mom's 4 siblings, she was closest to her younger brother, my uncle who is really the only "family" that I have left. He still calls me and emails me regularly. Since his son lives in the Bay area, he comes here to visit sometimes and I always see him. He's been struggling a lot lately. All his money was tied up in a plant in Mexico for many years and he finally sold the plant. <br />
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My uncle made millions in his lifetime but he lost much of it. He did take care of my mom and would send her money when she got sick. He would also fly her out to see him, help her with travel to come out to see me. Once he flew both of us out to NYC for my cousin's wedding. I sort of can't stand my cousins on that side of the family. They're all a bunch of snobs but I went to NYC just the same because I wanted to see my mom (I had flown from LA whereas she had flown from FL).<br />
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My mom's older brother is a nasty old fart. In fact, my brother who really loathes this uncle has turned out just like him. It's uncanny how their personalities are complete identical. Both are arrogant, judgmental, condescending and insensitive. My brother is completely incapable of doing any self-reflection or he'd see this. My sister sees it too...but she ain't no princess either.<br />
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My mom's full-blooded little sister was like a character out of a Pedro Almodovar film. She was boisterous, loved her men and loved her booze. My aunt was the polar opposite of my mom. She came to visit one Christmas when I was 12, got very drunk and started dancing around in her bra and panties to "Miss You" by the Rolling Stones. She was married once to a wealthy Dutch business man. They had two children and divorced years later. <br />
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My aunt died of liver cancer in 1997. My nice uncle and this aunt hadn't spoken in years. She invested in his business which went under and she lost a lot of money. My aunt had moved to Southern California to be near her daughter which is when she was diagnosed with liver cancer. My nice uncle paid for my mom to go out there for a couple of weeks to care for her sister. <br />
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Coincidentally, I was in California at the time even though I lived in New York. This is when I was working the gay pride events for my brother. His partner and I had worked the West Hollywood event that weekend so afterwards he took me to Orange County to visit my mom and Aunt at hospice. I was utterly horrified at what I saw.<br />
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My aunt was a shadow of her former self. She was emaciated and so loaded up on morphine that she just looked at me with glazed eyes. I hugged her very fragile body. My mom was so excited that I was there, she took out her camera and wanted me to pose with my aunt. I told her not to but she took pictures anyway.<br />
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My mom was obsessed with her cameras and took pictures all the time. She wasn't much of a photographer but she was very passionate about documenting her travels and moments with family on film. I have all her pictures now. It hurts to look at them.<br />
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When my brother's partner and I left my aunt's room, we got in the elevator and both started to cry. Then we held each other. I was never a fan of my brother's partner and that's probably the closest I've ever felt to him. It was truly heartbreaking. I want to remember my aunt as wild and wonderful and not clinging to the morphine drip on her deathbed.<br />
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When my mom was dying, she kept talking to her sister as if she was in the room. <br />
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And then there's my mom's half-sister, Aunt D. She's the only one who remained in Europe. She was born in Ecuador but my grandfather eventually moved to Holland which is where they all lived for a while. I remember seeing Aunt D as a child when I went to Holland. Around the time I graduated from NYU, she was in New York so I got to hang out with her, her husband--17 years her junior and an arrogant douchebag who I'm convinced married her for her money. Did I mention how wealthy she is?<br />
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When my grandfather died, he didn't have a will so my mom's stepmother inherited all of it. My mom nor her full-blooded siblings never saw a penny. It went to Aunt D and my cousins. My aunt ended up investing in a chain of fur stores in Belgium and became an even wealthier woman. She's traveled the world, had loads of plastic surgery and is a vein, arrogant, insecure woman. Another one that's the complete opposite of my mom. At least my other Aunt wasn't a snob. Aunt D is such a snob it's disgusting.<br />
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That side of the family frowned on my mom because she was broke. That time in New York, my aunt gave my mom a few hundred bucks (a drop in the bucket for her) and went back to Belgium. My mom took pictures documenting our time together. She sent some to my aunt along with a card. My aunt never responded. She also would send holiday cards to that side of the family but they never responded. She knew that my mom had cancer yet 13 years went by before I heard from her.<br />
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When my mom was in hospice, my aunt called my cell. I had no idea who she was. "Who is this?" I asked. The connection was bad. "This is your aunt D". It took a minute. Then I remembered, oh yeah I have another Aunt. I had forgotten about her because she wasn't much of a sister to my mom so why now? She wanted to know how her sister was. "Dying," I told her. "She's dying."<br />
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I put my mom on the phone who was delirious and made no sense. My aunt sounded seriously disturbed when I got back on the line with her. She started asking about my life and I told her that I had been taking care of my mom for the last year and a half. She asked if I wanted to come to Belgium after my mom died. I said yes. She said she'd get me a ticket.<br />
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My mom had moments of lucidity mixed with her delirium. I told my mom that her sister had called and offered to send me to Europe. "Should I go?" I asked my mom. "Maybe," she said. Not very encouraging.<br />
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I went to Belgium for a month after my mom died and it was probably the loneliest time of my life. Not only was I surrounded by a bunch of snobs I had nothing in common with, I was completely cut off from my friends in the states because I barely had internet. I got a bus pass and went to Antwerp often. I drank a lot by myself. There were a couple of places that had internet so I'd go online briefly but it was expensive.<br />
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My aunt, cousins, her arrogant husband all spoke in Dutch more than half the time I was there. Then my aunt would remind them that I didn't understand Dutch. A friend of mine in Berlin invited me to go visit him. He even offered to buy the train ticket from Brussels but I didn't want to offend my aunt. I so wish I'd have gone to see my friend.<br />
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My aunt had this huge New Years party and she wanted me to dress up for it. She offered to buy me a dress because she didn't like any of my clothes. We went shopping downtown and she made me try on all kinds of dresses---none that I liked. She was very controlling and downright rude. In the end, she spent a few hundred Euros on a dress I wore once and that still sits in my closet.<br />
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She also decided to tell me that my mom lost her first child because my father beat it out of her. That was something I never knew and something I really didn't want or need to know. <br />
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While I was there, she kept praising my cousin-- the nice uncle's daughter who I really can't stand. She went to NYU around the time I did and she never made any effort to hang out with me. I went to the art school. She went to the business school. I ended up living a life of poverty while my cousin went on to become an investment banker and has made millions. Like so many others on that side of the family, she looks down on our little branch. She travels the world. Even though my aunt hates my nice uncle, she loves his daughter. If I had the kind of money my cousin has, I bet my aunt would love me too.<br />
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When I left, she gave me 300 Euros which isn't a whole lot in American dollars. I guess she felt that by flying me out there, she had fulfilled her obligation to my dead mother thus appeasing any guilt she felt for ignoring her for 13 years. <br />
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Before I went to Belgium, my aunt and my cousins from that side of the family all requested to be my "friend" on Facebook. One of my cousins is actually okay. She's free-spirited, rebellious and has dred locks which really annoy the hell out of my aunt. While they've remained my "friends" on facebook, none of them ever reach out to me except the rebellious one.<br />
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Today is Belgian National Day. I decided to post on my aunt's facebook wall to wish her a happy holiday and I noticed she has defriended me. Not quite sure why but it did hurt my feelings. It has to be pretty recent because I recall not too long ago seeing pictures in my feed of her and my cousin-- the investment banker snob. Apparently, they're BFFs. Ironic how she is no longer speaking to her father.<br />
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The only thing I can think of that might have offended her was the picture I shared relatively resently. It said "Family is not about blood. It's about who is willing to hold your hand when you need it the most".<br />
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Well, it's true. My mom needed her hand held by her family and the only one there was her younger brother while the rest of the snobs didn't care. My older uncle was a banker in NYC for many years and is also very wealthy. Those people are all about money and wealth.<br />
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My cousins on my dad's side of the family have tracked me down on facebook and they seem very nice and warm---the complete opposite of my mom's family. That's the latin culture. Unfortunately, my Spanish is terrible so I have to use the online translator. One of my cousins lives in Brooklyn. I want to go to NYC and meet him. The rest are still in Ecuador.<br />
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When I went to Belgium, it was my mission to try every Belgian beer I possibly could and I came pretty close. I also indulged in an authentic Belgian waffle. It was really impossible to not think of this golden oldie as I munched away on a Belgian waffle...<br />
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<br />Lebanese Blondehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12827319137456241014noreply@blogger.com0