D

I stopped taking the lamictal just under 2 weeks ago.  I hadn't felt much of anything in terms of withdrawal.  A couple of years ago, I'd decreased my dose and went through a serious emotional breakdown and was grateful not to have experienced it this far.  Then a couple of days ago, I started to feel depressed.  Of course, this could just be depression and not related to the fact that I stopped taking Lamictal. 

Along with the depression, I feel dumb as a doornail.   It's really difficult to stay focused.  Yesterday, my friend Stacy called me and I kept forgetting what I was saying.  This has happened in the past but it seems more pronounced now.  Then yesterday, I found myself googling the most painless way to commit suicide.

I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to live on the street or in my car, either.  Unemployment runs out in around 3 months and that's scaring me.  No word on the job that I interviewed for a couple of weeks ago.  I did notice that they relisted the job both on Craig's List and Linked In so I think it's probably best to accept now that it's probably not gonna happen.  Been there before.  That's what really gets me down.  I'm sick and tired of getting excited about a job that never comes to fruition.  I'm sick of the disappointment and I'm really losing any sort of desire to keep on doing this.  I'm just tired and I really wish my life would just end already.

In my research regarding painless suicide methods, I read responses from people who shrieked about how wrong suicide was.  It's terrible for the loved ones and blah blah blah.  Well, in my case.  I have no children, both of my parents are dead, I have no close family....sure I have siblings but they don't care about me.  And this isn't a ploy for sympathy because I'm not feeling sorry for myself. It's the truth.  Not everyone has a reason to stay alive.  I can think of one:  Magic.  But I'm sure my neighbor would take good care of her.  I have a few friends but I have no doubt that they would get over it. 

Of course, if I got a job and my life started improving, then I would not be researching painless suicide methods but I cannot ignore the fact that I am not employed and I cannot find a job in spite of the fact that I have been looking for over a year now.  The job market is insanely competitive and middle aged women with failed acting careers are not at the forefront for marketing jobs.  Corps want young blood....young techie, geeks who graduated from Stanford.  People are not impressed that I studied theatre at NYU.  And, it's this that adds to the depression.  Oh, why oh why did I not study something more secure??

In any case, I continue to apply for jobs and hope that things change for the better.  I continue to exercise daily.  I ran yesterday and am a bit achey in my upper back.  I started taking Vitamin D two days ago.  Funny how Vitamin D has suddenly been in my face everywhere.

My mom was a big vitamin person.  She had a massive supply of vitamins that she would take daily.  I cannot recall her ever taking Vitamin D (although she might've) and she certainly didn't include it in her list of supplements that she nagged me about taking since I was a vegetarian.  That's because Vitamin D wasn't getting the buzz back then that it is today.  And another thing...it's hard to believe that in two months it's going to be 4 years since my mom died.  I really miss her...especially now when I feel so hopeless.

The first time I heard about Vitamin D was a few months ago.  My neighbors' daughter was visiting and she told me she had sleeping and fatigue issues.  Her doctor said she was deficient in Vitamin D and since she started taking it daily, the fatigue and insomnia had ceased.  Vitamin D is produced when the skin is exposed to the sun.  People who wear sunscreen or don't go into the sun are often deprived of Vitamin D.

Then last weekend when I was talking to my neighbor she told me that Vitamin D is the only pill she takes.  Her doctor said she was deficient.  I thought that was odd given that my neighbor is outside all the time tending to her garden.  This led me to do research and apparently a lot of people who are exposed to the sun are still deprived of Vitamin D.  Lack of Vitamin D causes all kinds of symptoms including insomnia, fatigue, brain fog, cognitive and memory issues, joint pain and more and more and more and much of these symptoms are what I'm currently experiencing.  So this weekend I bought Vitamin D at the store and have been taking it.

Last year I listened to an audio seminar about career.  It wasn't your typical career seminar as there was a spiritual spin to it.  Rick Jarow, who was the conductor, incorporated meditations and other practices into the seminar.  One of the things that he said which stuck with me was that you should always pay attention as the universe is constantly giving us signs. 

And this is what led me to buy the Vitamin D the last time I went shopping.  No doctor suggested I take it.  I have no evidence that I'm even deficient.  I just have a hunch that I should be taking it.