I listened to this playlist yesterday as I soaked in my bathtub and was overwhelmed with a plethora of emotions including sadness and guilt and wonder. If I knew then what I know now, would I have done things differently? I think so.
Those were fun times where I forged many friendships but I don't really speak to anyone from that era anymore. A few of my friends I interact with on Facebook but that's not the same. I have an insane amount of debt that sprouted from my college years. Had I approached life differently and attempted to study something with a greater success rate, then perhaps... actually, more than likely, I would be in a much better place, both financially and career-wise, than I am now. But that's all dirty water under a heavy bridge. There's nothing I can do to change it...but I wonder. Yes, I wonder a lot.
I've been off the Lamictal for 11 days and I have been working out religiously to attempt to combat any side effects and overcome any cognitive fog. Yesterday I ran and did yoga... I also meditated on my chakras... and watched some new age documentary on Netflix called Three Magic Words. The title is derived from a US Andersen book which is also the inspiration behind Kelly Howell's The Universal Mind Meditation which I have written about repeatedly. While I haven't meditated to Brain Sync in a while, I still believe in the philosophy that we are all connected and that there is divinity in each of us which links us all together. Together, united, we are God. (the Three Magic Words as referenced in the documentary are "I Am God".)
So, that means Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney have the same divinity in them as I do in me; therefore I should love them. Love them. It's these moments that make new age philosophies so difficult to digest on a personal level. I loathe the GOP. They're a bunch of greedy, uncaring, hateful, racist liars. There is nothing divine there.
I can let go of all the baggage from my past that has been holding me back. I can forgive and wish well the friends and lovers I've had whose behavior have left scars on my heart. I can even forgive my family but when it comes to these corporate suits who have no qualms about sacrificing the middle class in order to line their pockets, I see red. I feel angry. I don't love. I hate. I hate these lowlifes who want to control women and send us all back in a time machine.
When I was 18, I took a class at a junior college. One of my first assignments was to do research and look into what was going on in the country when I was born. This was pre-internet so I actually had to go to a library, access microfish of newspaper articles from my birthday to do my research. It was all about back alley abortions which is what I ended up writing a paper about. I saw pictures. It was horribly disturbing.
And then, of course, there's the gay rights issue. Yesterday, my nephew Adam would have turned 26. Adam was gay and committed suicide less than 3 years ago. Adam was raised in a right wing nut job atmosphere where he was told gays were "fudge packers" who were going to burn in hell. Adam's mother had bible verses on index cards taped all over the house. If I had a magic eraser that could erase all the religious homophobic elements of his childhood, I bet Adam would have been alive to celebrate his 26th birthday.
Still nothing on the job front and I find myself worrying at times because unemployment will run out in about 3 months. According to those Three Magic Words, one shall not worry because everything will work out. This is the same premise as the Universal Mind Meditation. So, I do find that I can overcome the worry most of the time.... having faith and continuing to apply for work and exercise and meditate and run and do yoga and appreciate Magic and nature is what I must continue to do.
One thing I do know is that my life will be over before I know it. Life just seems to fly by. As my friend once told me: Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
And it's going so fast right now....
No comments:
Post a Comment