Jesus said in heaven there's not that much to do....

It's been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time....

It's been well over a year and a half since I blogged.  Not sure why I stopped.  I just didn't feel like venting anymore.  A lot has happened since then but then again... not that much.

I was out of work for well over a year.  I interviewed for hundreds of jobs, some up to 3 times but never got an offer.   So many times I was built up over an opportunity only to be let down.  I shed many tears while I was on unemployment.   It's the age and it's damn competitive up here in the Bay area and my resume is funky.  I sort of fell into marketing while I was on my way to getting a supporting role in a long-running TV series.

Just after I barely got the final tier of unemployment extensions before it was discontinued, I ended up getting a contracting job through a networking group.  Funny thing is the person who got me the job was just like me only about 15 years older. She studied theatre, lived in LA (even worked at the same Hollywood studio as I did), moved up here and sort of fell into marketing.  I got to work from home in my jammies while blasting music and sometimes sipping wine.  Pay wasn't great but it wasn't bad and I had 5,000 shares of stock and the best part was that this company was going somewhere. Really, it was!

Then I learned that Silicon Valley is a lot like Hollywood.  How many films get produced but never get picked up for distribution?  Answer:  a whole fucking lot.  Films that never see the light of day... kind of like this company.

I got my walking papers a few days before Thanksgiving.  My boss was sorry.  I was doing a great job but they still had no clients and couldn't afford to pay me.  Maybe in six months when they got their legs under them.... but six months never came.  Two months later, I heard that more people were let go and now it's kaput.  So sad as I really was excited about that company and the people I worked with were truly brilliant.  Real achievers. My boss was nominated for a Pulitzer.

Being canned a couple of days before Thanksgiving---a stupid holiday where people without family are tortured by the blitz of "family" bullshit that American culture and the media shove down our throats around that time---sucks.   It was also around the anniversary of my mom's death.  And only a few weeks earlier, my neighbors who had become the closest thing to family that I had experience since my mom died decided to buy a house about 2.5 hours away and left.  It was just me and Magic in this empty old house through the holiday months.  I was able to resume my long term unemployment since I had been contracting on a 1099 status but then on 12/28 good old congress fucked me in the ass and cancelled EUC.  There were only a few more weeks left on my claim anyway but still.... it would've helped.

I ended up putting out my resume like crazy and I ended up getting a job finally.  Of course I had to collect food stamps first.  It's not my dream job and it has its share of dysfunction but it sure as shit beats the last place I was at (excluding the contracting gig).  I like my boss who is young but smart and respectful.  Those millennials at the other place I worked at could take a lesson from her.  Incidentally, I heard from my boss from back then and the millennial shitheads who made my life such hell ultimately ended up fucking him over and he wanted to apologize for what happened and would I like to come back and work for him? Fortunately,  I had already gotten my contractor gig and I politely declined (with a huge smile on my face).  I reminded him of some of things they did to me and he said "why didn't you tell me?"  Some people, I swear.  In any case, I finally made peace with all the shit that happened back then in that job.

It's been more than 5 years since my mom died and I miss her still so much.  Sunday is Mothers Day. I thought about taking myself to a spa, treating myself to a facial, a massage, some good champagne and a feast but then I woke up to reality and realized that it would cost a paycheck to do it up right.  I think I will simply work in my garden, burn a candle for mom and remember her.

Vegan Baked Penne recipe - this is good, people!!

I've been absent for weeks now---focusing on other stuff.  I've done the elliptical everyday for two weeks (except one day).  Not sure how much weight I've lost but I've definitely lost a lot as my clothes are all baggy.

The other day my neighbor gave me a bag of fresh-picked tomatoes from her garden along with an invitation to help myself to the basil plant.  This inspired me to concoct a super awesome vegan dish that I have to share.  I mean, this dish totally rocked.  It was also the first time I've had pasta since before I went on my juice fast.

Incredients:
5 cups cherry tomatoes
1 yellow onion
1 bunch (large branch) basil
8 cloves garlic
Oregano, sea salt and other seasonings.
1/2 cup vodka
Vegan Gourmet Mozzarella cheese (Follow Your Heart)
Tofutti
Yves Ground Round
Dreamsfield penne pasta (I use dreamsfield because it's low carb)

Start with the marinara sauce:

First, take the skin off about 5 cups of cherry tomatoes.  (It's easy if you put them in boiling water for a minute before transporting them to ice cold water---the skin will just fall right off).  Once skinned, I processed the tomatoes and put them in a crock pot.

Saute one yellow onion along with 8 garlic cloves.  Put sauteed mix in crock pot.

Take a bunch of fresh basil, chop finely and put in crock pot.

Add sea salt, black pepper and oregano and other seasons to taste (I use something called Everyday Seasoning from Trader Joe's).

Add a half cup of vodka.  This will extract additional locked flavors.

Cook on low for 5 hours.  Timing with slow cookers are subjective based on brand and size. My "low" becomes more of a high as it starts lightly boiling after a few hours.  This is usually when I know it's done.

Dissolve a half container of Tofutti cream cheese into the mixture along with one package of Yves Ground Round.

Boil a box of low carb pasta from Dreamsfield til al dente.  Then mix with marinara/ground round concoction.

Spread in a baking pan or casserole dish and top with a layer of shredded Vegan Gourmet mozzarella cheese.  The brand I use is from Follow Your Heart.

Cover with foil and baked in preheated 350 oven for 20 minutes.  Remove foil and bake for another 10 minutes.

You are done.  Sprinkle with nutritional yeast for extra flavor.

For a pasta junkie like me who had been on a pasta hiatus for almost three months, this was the best way to break my pasta fast and it was well worth the wait.  

Transformation

This last week I swapped my electric guitar for an elliptical trainer.  Gotta love Craig's List.  It was a bit of a hassle as the woman who I swapped with forgot the AC adapter and had to mail it to me but yesterday I used my cross trainer for the first time and I can honestly say that last night was the most focused, clear and at peace I've felt for a long while. 

I stopped taking Lamictacl almost 4 weeks ago and I've been taking the Spirulina, Chlorella and Vitamin D religiously. I've also adhered to my vegan diet aside from feta cheese which I occasionally sprinkle on a kale salad.  I've had ups and downs... moments of brain fog and extreme fatigue.  Yesterday, I either broke out in a rash or was bit by something because my right hand has a few small red welts all over it.  Chlorella is a detoxer so it's possible that the rash is a result of detox.  I'm sure there's plenty of toxins still in me.  30 days of juice fasting was not long enough to purge my body of all the crap I polluted it with over the years.

Gimme Head with Hair

Back when I was still on the juice fast, I got a bottle of organic spirulina tablets from Trader Joe's.  Spirulina is a single-celled algae that is considered a superfood because of it's health benefits.  It's supposed to be a purer source of protein than meat.  I took it periodically while fasting but it was not something I took daily.  A few days ago I decided to take it every day with my Vitamin D since, apparently, Spirulina is also very good for cognitive functioning among other things.  I think today was either my fifth or sixth consecutive day taking it. 

One major problem I've experienced over the last few years is my hair falling out.  It's so frustrating when I run the comb through my hair only to pull out tons of hair.  It's been so bad over the years that my hair has clogged up both my bathroom sink and shower.

D

I stopped taking the lamictal just under 2 weeks ago.  I hadn't felt much of anything in terms of withdrawal.  A couple of years ago, I'd decreased my dose and went through a serious emotional breakdown and was grateful not to have experienced it this far.  Then a couple of days ago, I started to feel depressed.  Of course, this could just be depression and not related to the fact that I stopped taking Lamictal. 

Along with the depression, I feel dumb as a doornail.   It's really difficult to stay focused.  Yesterday, my friend Stacy called me and I kept forgetting what I was saying.  This has happened in the past but it seems more pronounced now.  Then yesterday, I found myself googling the most painless way to commit suicide.

Time Passages

Recently, I made a playlist of music that I listened to when I lived in NYC.  It included lots of stuff from the 90's like Violet by Hole, Sour Times by Portishead, Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden, Only Happy When it Rains by Garbage, Only Love Can Break Your Heart by St. Etienne, Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground.  It includes music from Oasis, Bjork, Massive Attack, Tricky, The Breeders, The Orb, Nirvana and music that carries with it the imprint of a time in my life that has long since passed... a time in my life where I was young and free and never once thought about the consequences of my actions.  Unlike today, which is all about consequences...some of the consequences I'm dealing with, in fact, are a result of that time in my life.

I listened to this playlist yesterday as I soaked in my bathtub and was overwhelmed with a plethora of emotions including sadness and guilt and wonder.  If I knew then what I know now, would I have done things differently?  I think so.

The Morning Fog

It's been about a week since I stopped taking Lamictal cold turkey.  I was taking 200 mg/day.

I haven't had any headaches nor felt that I'm in danger of having a seizure.  What I have felt is fatigued and spaced out.  Sort of like I have ADD or what I imagine having ADD would be like.  I have trouble focusing or staying focused. It's difficult for me to piece together a sentence sometimes.  I hope that within a week the Lamictal will be out of my system completely and all of these withdrawal symptoms will cease all together.

I started walking daily again and even started to run, which is something I haven't done in years.  The main reason that I'm interested in running is not for weight loss but rather to improve my brain function and memory.  I did some research on holistic remedies for ADD and something that consistently came up was cardio exercise.  It's great for depression and focus.  Given the current uncertainty of my life and work situation, it's important for me to be focused and stress-free so I've decided that I will incorporate exercise into my every day routine. 


Yesterday I made lunch for my neighbors (black bean burritos).  I ended up drinking my two bottles of Tribunal with them.  It's the first time I've had more than a glass of wine since before my fast.  I wanted to use the wine so that I no longer was tempted by having it at my disposal.  I've decided I do not want to ever drink alone again. Not good for the mind, not good for the body, not good for the soul.

Yesterday while I was on the deck drinking wine I realized that I was appreciating wine more than I had in a very long time. By not having wine for almost two months and then experiencing an afternoon of drinking wine with my neighbors, I appreciated it more than when I drank it nightly all by myself.

It's so easy to take things for granted.