My last place of employment was completely uninteresting and I knew this the minute I was hired. But when I got hired I had no place to live. I was crashing on my sadistic "aunt's" (my mom's former sister-in-law) couch and I knew my days were numbered.
Every day I contemplated a little drive to the Golden Gate. I was in shock from losing my mom and feeling so isolated and alone. I'd given up on a career in entertainment, had over 100k in student loan debt for a useless degree and had no direction. I didn't quite know where my place was in the world and I really didn't care. There was a huge part of me that just wanted someone to put me out of my misery.
Then I got this job. I was embarrassed to tell my friends what I was doing. As much as I hated that place, it enabled me to rebuild my life. I got here with a car packed full of what was left of my former life and now I have all the things I got rid of when I left LA to care for my mom.... even a Playstation which has been my BFF over the last few weeks.
There aren't a whole lot of entertainment entities in NoCal and the majority of the companies I've been targeting are in gaming. In order to do my research, I traded something I had for a used PS2. Then I went to the bargain bin at Gamestop and picked up some games. Got the X-files game for $1.99 which I'm totally addicted to as I'm a huge fan of the TV Show... I've been killing zombies for a week now and not meditating.
That can't be healthy.
Last week I drove to silicone valley for some technology summit. A friend of mine is an executive for that organization and she hooked me up w/ a VIP pass. I hadn't seen her since I left LA when she was my recruiter. She had moved on from that line of work but was still well connected and I was hoping that I might make some NoCal connections in the entertainment industry at this summit. I didn't. And my friend no longer has those kinds of connections. Her friends are all about technology.
I'm beginning to wonder if Northern California is for me. I love it here but it's important to me to love what I do as well as where I live. Northern California is the technology capital of the world.
Man, I wish I'd win the lottery. All the things I could do... if I had a little money. It's a rich man's world.
Last weekend my neighbor's brother's family was visiting from Alaska. I hung out with them and drank a lot. A LOT. By the end of the evening I was hanging out on the deck drinking scotch and smoking cigars. I wanted to die the following day but I had committed to dinner with these people.
I went over and the wife was already shitfaced and proceeded to steer the conversation to me and how evident it was that I was still carrying a lot of baggage regarding the loss of my mom and my family. She went on and on about not having a bleak outlook on life. I so wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up. Instead, tears slowly started to stream down my face as I listened to her unwelcome analysis regarding my demeanor. Then I politely dismissed myself and went home.
Is this how I come across? Do I look like I'm about to take a razor blade to my jugular? A few minutes later, my neighbor (the husband) came over and said he wanted me to come back. He heard what happened (his father was there) and that it was unwelcome and she was out of line and she felt "just awful". I told him that I really wanted to be alone. Then I opened up a bottle of red wine and killed some zombies. A few minutes later he came back with dinner. They're so nice. Then later the wife came over and hugged me.
So, apparently I wasn't aware just how depressed I was until someone brought it to my attention. I really didn't need to know. I prefer denial. So I spent a lot of time after that incident crying, killing zombies, drinking wine and thinking about how my life would be different if I had made more responsible choices when I was younger. I'm going to be 45 next month. Where did all the time go?
And I think a lot about what shits my siblings are. I have no family. NONE. My parents are dead. My brother doesn't bother with me. My sister is a crazy bitch. I made the mistake of recommending a friend who's a graphic designer to her. She ended up screwing him over. I try to do the right thing and it always backfires. My sister needed a designer. My friend needed the money. I thought it would be a mutually beneficial relationship... but nothing is so simple with my sister. Why don't I learn?
When my mom was in the hospital just before she died, I was forced to deal with my sister who I had refused to speak with the entire time I cared for my mom in Florida. It caused all sorts of issues between my mom and me. All my mom's friends and family hated my siblings because they knew how abusive they were to my mom. And, in spite of that abuse my mom kept going back because it was so important to her to have a relationship with her children.
In the hospital, we already knew my mom was on her way out. I had already made arrangement to have her taken to Hospice that weekend. Upon finding out she's dying, my siblings are suddenly swarming around my mom like noble, loyal children... which made me even more angry. Why weren't they there before? Had they been then all the burden wouldn't have been on my shoulders so if I'm still carrying that baggage around, it's because that experience was horribly painful and isolating. Never did I feel so alone in my life. I still do.
I had slept on a cot in my mom's hospital room since she was admitted over a week prior. My sister decided she would take the chair. She kept whispering to my mom about Jesus and how she would be with Jesus soon and Jesus this and Jesus that and fucking Jesus. That particular night, my mom kept pulling out the oxygen tubes because they had chaffed her nostrils. I kept putting them back. My sister told me not to. "Mom wants to die," she told me. "She wants to be with Jesus." That's why she was pulling out the tubes. She kept trying to force me to do this and I told her she was crazy. Suddenly, my sister's scream is echoing through the cancer ward of this hospital. It was 3 am.
The nurses storm in and next thing I know my sister is accusing me of attacking her and I'm being told I have to leave. So does my sister. I reminded the nurse that I was my mom's legal guardian and had health care power of attorney but they didn't care. My sister and I couldn't both be there and the only way to ensure there wasn't another episode was to kick us both out.
I told my sister I hoped she was happy. Now mother would have no one there until she was moved to Hospice. I told her I hated her and I hoped her children caused her the same grief she had caused our mother (wheels are currently spinning).
My sister then dramatically said that she would leave and I could stay because she didn't want her mother to be alone... then she feigned grief and pretended to cry although I saw no tears. Bitch, please. I'm the one with the degree in theatre and I know bad acting when I see it.
How I ever forgave her for that incident is a mystery to me. My family couldn't have been more dysfunctional. And, now, I am alone. My only family is Magic.... and I guess that's what has me so down in the dumps. It's not so much the fact that I got laid off. It's the fact that I have no one to encourage me now that my mom is gone. I have nothing but zombies and Netflix and Trader Joe's Fridays where I can treat myself to a couple of bottles of wine which will be gone before the weekend ends.
I walked yesterday to the hill nearby. I love it up there. I sit under this tree, listen to my ipod, look down at the valley and savor the breeze on my face. All my cares just drift right into space... up on that hill.
I think I will go there now.
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