RIP Mom

This is my mom's memorial video.  Even after over three and a half years, I still need to watch it every now and then....

There aren't a whole lot of pics of me but there's some film footage from when I was a child.  I'm the youngest.  I only had a few digital photos and didn't have a scanner when I made this.  So I relied on my siblings to send me photos and, of course, it was all about them... especially my sister.  At least my brother sent me a lot of old shots of my mom from Ecuador....

Sometimes, I just want to cry my heart out.  I still miss her so.  In just over a month it will be my birthday.  Birthdays haven't been the same since she died...

I wanna tear down the walls that hold me inside....

It is hot as fucking hell right now.  Wine country is beautiful--no doubt about it, but sometimes in the late Spring/Summer months, it's insanely dry and hot.  On days like this, I shower twice because showering is the only thing that will cool me down.  I don't use my A/C because I'm on a bare bones budget and running the A/C is costly.

I didn't make it to my hill today... or yesterday. I'm working on a VO demo.  I've decided fuck the business world.  It's not me.  It never will be.  It's a square peg and I'm a round hole.

Dark I am yet lovely

Today I woke up with a spring in my step....  perhaps all this walking to the hill has been good for me.  There are a lot of farm animals along the way.. horses, cows and goats.  I often stop to connect with them.  I prefer animals over people....  Then I sit under a tree on the hill and look at the valley while listening to music on my ipod.  It's really quite soothing.  There really is no excuse for me to not walk everyday or do yoga.  I am free to do all that right now.  Who knows how long that will last....

I'm going to meet with a local voiceover coach to talk about making a demo reel for me.  After much pondering over what direction I want to go in, I've decided that I'm not quite ready to let go of my passion for the performing arts.  While there isn't much of a market here in terms of acting, there is a pretty decent voiceover market given all the games that are produced here.  Of course, the demo isn't cheap and the market is competitive but I want to give it a go anyway.  A friend of mine in LA does quite well doing voiceover work. Well enough to travel all over the world.  

I initially contacted this woman after stumbling upon her site and realizing she was local (not in San Francisco).  She responded with her rates and corresponded back and forth by email.  I decided to let it go until I had the funds but she has been really aggressive about speaking with me.  What have I to lose by going down to her studio?  It's not like my schedule is packed with obligations.  I also want to pick her brain regarding the VO market up here.

Color Me Blue

It's been 5 weeks and a day since I was laid off.  I have been very particular as to where I'm applying to.  It's so very important that my next vocational role is working some place that I find interesting.  I maintain that getting laid off was a blessing.  I fluctuate, though, from elation to depression. 

The diamond dogs are vultures and they hide behind trees

Day #17 of being jobless.  I feel almost ashamed to admit I like it.  Under different circumstances, I'm sure my attitude wouldn't be so nonchalant about it but I got a 3 week severance package and I will be receiving unemployment.  I had to cancel my wine club membership and cut out a few other luxuries but unemployment should cover all my living expenses and even keep my massive credit card debt current.

Brain Sync and Kelly Howell

It has been over two months since I've been listening to the Universal Mind Mediation while falling asleep.  I even went so far as to buy the sleepsonic pillow from Brain Sync but it wasn't very comfortable so I exchanged it for the sleepphones.  I've been listening to Brain Sync for years now.  Kelly Howell's Facebook page is one of the first pages I "liked" and I've even considered signing up for one of their online meditation courses and attending one of their retreats at the Esalon institute which is a few hours south of me at Big Sur.

Imagine how disappointed I was when I emailed Kelly Howell via Facebook and she never responded.  My email explained how I had been listening to Brain Sync for years and how it helped me through the period when I was caring for my mom and after she died.  I explained how I didn't feel that the Universal Mind Meditation was having the same positive effect as it had couple of years ago and I was looking for something specific that I could listen to that would help me with shifting gears career-wise

She has recordings that include positive thinking, attracting wealth, quitting smoking, weight loss, awakening kundalini, retrieving your destiny... the list goes on and on.  Yet there is nothing related to career meditation.  So, my email to Kelly Howell inquired as to what she felt would be beneficial to me at this point given that I didn't believe the Universal Mind Meditation was helping me as well as it once had....  that was over a month ago.  She never responded.

Freedom

Tuesday when I got laid off I didn't quite know how to react.  My initial response was fear, then immense relief, then fear again.   When I absorbed the fact that I was getting a severance package and I would be able to accept unemployment without any interference from my boss, I started to realize this was a good thing.   I hated that place and now I don't ever have to use that stinky toilet and deal with the Boogermans and poseur goth chics and fools who cannot pronounce a word as simple as "something".

Fear was still lingering the day I was laid off but then the handyman came by to fix some loose nails in the deck of the main house.  I asked him if he wanted a beer.  He did so we hung out on the chaise lounge and talked for a while.  I looked up at the sky.  It was blue and one of the giant trees in the back was swaying in the breeze.  I suddenly felt at peace.  Any fear I felt earlier had dissipated.

Yesterday morning I woke up slightly anxious.  I still haven't heard from the Euro company so I shot an email to the recruiter.  She responded and said that they've heard nothing but she will keep me posted.  I had to go to the store and something happened on the way there.

I realized I like being unemployed.  Not saying I never want to work again but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.  I found myself overjoyed yesterday as I shopped for groceries.  When I got home, I hung out with my neighbors across the street who have 3 pet pigs.  I'd never seen pigs before.  They stink but they're really cute.  My heart broke just a little bit when my neighbors told me that they were going to the slaughterhouse in late July.  Not something a vegetarian like me wants to hear.

I do have faith that I will get a job.  If not the Euro one which I feel still pretty optimistic about, then something else.  I have been meditating on the Universal Mind Meditation for over 2 months.  All that you need will be provided to you if you simply believe.  I do believe.

My job made me really unhappy and now it's no longer a burden.  I don't have to panic about money because I have unemployment and, while I might have to do some serious budget cuts, all necessities will be taken care of.  But I don't believe it will ever come to that because I am still confident that the Euro company job will pan out.

I feel no anxiety for the first time this year.  I hadn't had a solid night's sleep all week because I was so anxious.  Last night I slept ten hours.  I feel great today.