I read a book called The Kundalini Experience: Psychosis or Transcendence. It was written by a psychiatrist who believes that many people are falsely diagnosed as psychotic when, in fact, it's a kundalini awakening. It's the fear and not knowing what's happening that causes people to go mad. I took comfort in knowing the writer is in San Francisco so if I am ever in the midst of a kundalini awakening and am misdiagnosed as being psychotic, I can give this guy a jingle.
I can't really share my spiritual curiosity and desire to transcend with too many people in my immediate life. My neighbors know I meditate but I don't really talk with them about it much. They cannot identify with it so I stick to wine and movies and my Hollywood days and how much I hate my job. Meditation stays out of it. I do believe there is a thin veil between this life and other dimensions. I've experience a few things in my lifetime that were indicative that, yes, there is something else. What. I have no idea.
When my mom died, I had a huge argument with my sister. This was before Adam died and before I moved to wine country. I was still staying with my mom's friend in Millbrae and would meditate nightly. Enough time had passed that i resumed meditating nightly to Brain Sync's Universal Mind Meditation. I was so desperate to get out of that situation. Just to reinforce what I said earlier, it is in times of great need where I reach out to my higher power through meditation.
I would put on my ear buds and listen to Kelly Howell's voice lure me to sleep with the philosophies of US Andersen and her subliminal affirmations. The mp3 was on my iphone. I would usually fall asleep halfway through it (which is the point given that they use binaural beats to induce one's brain into the delta state). Somewhere in the middle of the night, I'd wake up with my ear buds half off and my iphone underneath my armpit. So, I'd move my iphone/buds to the floor next to my bed.
First thing I'd do usually when I woke up i the morning was check my email on my iphone to see if there were any leads for jobs. One morning, I reached over to pick up my iphone and it started dialing a number. The number was an 813 number. That was the Tampa Bay area... where my mom had died and where my siblings still lived. I let it ring and ring and it went to voice mail--- my sister's voice mail. I had deleted her number from my cell phone weeks before so I was a bit baffled by this. I left a message on her voice mail. Did you call? That was weird. I picked up the phone and it just started dialing your number. I hung up the phone and realized how absurd that must've sounded.
I was trying to rationalize it. Maybe she called and didn't leave a message and when I picked up the phone, it touched the missed number and automatically redialed. But the iphone was locked. I tried to tell my mom's friend but she didn't believe me.
A couple of months later, when I had moved to wine country and the day before Mothers Day, I was at the mechanic's when I heard a noise coming from my iphone which was in my purse. I reached in and it automatically started dialing a number. The area code: 813. It was my sister. I left a message and told her what happened.
She called me back an hour later and that is how we started talking again.
My mom always told me how important it was for her children to talk to each other when she was gone. She wanted us to support each other. I told my mom repeatedly that this would never happen because my siblings were too self-absorbed. The last year and a half of mom's life was her trying to get me to socialize with my sister. I refused. Ironically, I did socialize with my brother (who I still thought was a Grade A dick) for my mom's sake but I was just too angry with my sister. I had my reasons but I won't get into it here.
Then two months before my mom died and just before her birthday, a thought popped in my head while I was driving. This would be mom's last birthday. I cried. I didn't want to lose my mom but I did want to make her last birthday happy. What would make her happy?
All three of her children together.
I had made plans with my brother who was going to cook dinner for mom at his place. When this thought occurred to me, I called my brother and asked if it was okay to invite my sister. He said it was. When I told my mom, she was ecstatic.
The three of us had dinner together at my brother's house. Adam was there too... and my sister's youngest. I really tried to get along but then my sister pulled her typical control freak crap when my mom was hospitalized. Once upon a time, my sister was my mom's legal caregiver but she messed it up. Long story. Again, I will do my best to not harp too much on the issues between my siblings and I. So mom made me her legal caregiver. In fact, I was made her legal caregiver when I still lived in LA.
My mom wanted my sister and I to be friends.
And on two occasions my phone automatically started dialing her. What logical reason is there? There isn't.
I made the mistake of telling my brother who basically ridiculed me. Because, you see, after being an avid Christian and then an avid Jew, my brother has finally settled on being an avid Atheist. And, in his mind, I'm crazy.
Maybe my mom's spirit had insight into what was going to happen with Adam. She wanted me to be there for her. As much as I miss my mom, I'm glad she wasn't alive when Adam killed himself because it would have killed her. And, if it didn't kill her, my sister would've worried her to death with her own manic depression.
Mom is in a better place now but I miss her and I want to connect with her. A couple of years ago, I started taking lucid dream herbs like calea zacatechichi (which is the nastiest thing I have ever tasted in my life) and Mugwort. Dreaming was the doorway to the other side and I wanted to make contact with my mom.
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| Mom on my Stuyvesant Town Roof in NYC - 1996 |
For the longest time, whenever I dreamt about her I didn't see her face. I would either see her from the side, hear her voice or be communicating with her by phone. A couple of times, I woke up to her voice calling my name. It was very clear and echoed in my head. My mom had a very distinct Ecuadorian accent. A couple of years later, I dreamt that we hugged but I still couldn't see her face.
Then one day last year, I dreamt that I saw her on a couch. It was the first time since she died that I actually saw her face in a dream. She was talking to someone and when she saw me, her face lit up. She grabbed my hand, smiling all the while, "It's so good to see you, honey". she said. "You too, mom. I miss you." and then I went to hug her but I woke up before that could happen.
After all the herbs and teas and lucid dream-inducing essential oils that I consumed, that's the closest to a lucid dream involving my mom that I've ever gotten.
I've had other lucid dreams, though... but we won't go there just yet.
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