Reach Out in the Darkness

Ironically enough, after being divorced for twenty something years, my parents ended up living together as roommates the last few years of their lives.  My dad, I guess, felt bad for being such a shit when they were married.  He had a nice pension while my mom had a pathetic little social security check.  His pension paid the rent.  Mom's social security bought groceries. Mom cooked and cleaned.  They had separate rooms and fought about as much as they did when they were married only my dad was too decrepit to beat her like he did back then.

Years of smoking 2 and a half packs of Marlboros a day had made a weary old man of my dad.  He was on oxygen and had so many things wrong with him, we all knew that, in spite of my mom's cancer, Dad would probably go first.  He did.  And when he did, mom didn't have a place to live since Dad's pension was gone.  Suddenly, mom needed help and I guess my brother didn't 't feel like helping much.  He was still with the same partner who I had decided was an even bigger asshole than my brother.

I don't want this blog to turn into a bitchfest about my family, my job, my finances.... I want it to be about my journey.  That's going to be tough because I'm in my 40s and certain patterns that have been engrained in me my whole life need to be broken---patterns that I believe I developed as a child as a result of my mom's own struggles and loneliness.  Being the youngest, she often turned to me for support...and to vent.  As a result, we became very close. While we did have our issues along the way, mom and I were friends and my siblings constantly criticized our relationship---saying we were "too close", it was "unhealthy".  My brother even referred to it as "sick".  

Suffice it to say that both my siblings lived in Florida yet neither lifted a pinky to help our mother.  My mom was desperate for a relationship with them.  I was resentful. She insisted that she loved all three of her children the same which infuriated me.  How could she not love me more?  I left California for her while my siblings, who lived only miles from her, let her rot.  This dynamic caused tension between my mother and I.  As a result, our relationship changed over the course of the year and a half that I cared for her.

Mom and Me.  Saying Goodbye at the Airport

I have always been drawn to the dark side... since adolescence.  Not quite sure why.  My mom used to always tell me she couldn't understand because I was always such a happy child.

I went through a goth phase where I wore black all the time, listened to The Smiths and obsessively slashed my wrists.  I drank, I did drugs, i cried a lot.  I did everything I could to escape whatever I was avoiding and I never quite determined just what that was only that it was constant and there was no escape.  It followed me for years.  I was always emotionally charged which is why I was drawn to the theatre.   I've had therapists over the years.  I've been on antidepressants and every type of benzo there is.

During my last year in LA, I started talking to my mom about eastern philosophies.  I had read the Ellen Burstyn autobiography, "Lessons in Becoming Myself" which delves into her spiritual journey as a sufi and how she was constantly contending with her ego as a result of working in Hollywood.  Then, one of my best friends, David had just read the Power of Now.  There were similarities in what David was sharing with me and in what I was reading in the Ellen Burstyn book.  The ego was an obstacle to spiritual growth.  Living in the moment was the key to inner peace.

While caring for my mom, things got way too intense.  Not sure how I learned about the Jewish Family Services in Tampa but I somehow ended up there.  They saw me on a sliding scale that cost me a $1 with my non-existent income.  They counseled me for the year and a half that I cared for my mom and while she was dying, they were on the phone with me talking me through it.  I owe so much to them.

First I saw a psychotherapy grad student intern named Justin.  I liked him.  He was very solution-oriented.  How can we change the way you look at this?  He was also into guided imagery which I never really found too helpful.  When he graduated, he took a leave for a few months and then would return as a real therapist.  In the interim, however, they assigned me to Susan, another therapist.  Susan was very New York.  Direct.  Unlike Justin, her office was dimly lit. Her couch was more comfortable, the lighting set a mood and the office just seemed more welcoming.

During our first session, she made me aware of two things:

1) I said the word "but" in just about every other sentence and
2) I was barely breathing.

We talked a lot about breathing and how important it is to breathe.  It is our life force and is what gives us strength and enables us to combat stress.  Some people go through life unaware that they are breathing only enough to survive.  Apparently I was one of those people.  I smoked back then.  I also drank occasionally but the biggest monkey on my back during that period was xanax.  An addiction that haunted me for years after my mom died.

I was hardly breathing and, when I did, it was shallow.  Wasn't quite sure how this happened.  I studied theatre and those years were all about training myself to breathe from the diaphragm to project my voice.  The last couple of years in LA, I had been in a play and projecting my voice had never been an issue.  Somehow, between leaving LA and moving to my mom's, I had lost my ability to truly breathe.

Thanks to Susan's insight, I was now aware of this and I started to focus on my breathing.... when I was driving, laying down, watching TV, I breathed.  I noticed when I would get into an argument with my mom, I would stop breathing.

A few months earlier, I had hooked up with a local writer who needed help transcribing all kinds of tapes.  Most were motivational.  I had bills to pay including a car that would take my mom to the cancer hospital, sometimes daily.  Money was imperative.  So I bought a dictaphone and transcribed tapes while caring for my mom.  I was basically forced to listen to these motivational cassettes.  It was the only way I could pay my bills.

One tape in particular was from a motivational speaker who talked about how he used to be very angry and emotional.  He had constant dialogue in his head and once he learned to silence that dialogue, he found peace.

After listening to that, I started practicing silencing my thoughts while I was breathing.  I was amazed at how hard it was. 

The breathing exercises and mind silencing sessions lead me to the Rama method of meditation--the chakras and kundalini energy.   I discovered binaural beats.  The one I first started out with was Brain Sync.  There was one guided meditation called "Awakening Kundalini" that I would do.

Then I stumbled upon Brain Sync's "The Universal Mind Meditation" which you are supposed to listen to before bed for six weeks to truly feel a difference.  It's based on the US Andersen philosophy that we are all connected in a Universal consciousness.  The guided meditation is accompanied by binaural beats that manipulate your brainwaves to the Delta state which induces sleep. It includes positive affirmations.  I listened to it every night for a month and I felt a difference in my demeanor and my ability to deal with stress. 

Then one night my mom fell and was rushed to the hospital.  She ended up never coming home and, during that period, it was impossible to focus on anything.  Not the universal mind, not the breathing.  My only friends were xanax, valium and lorazapam.