A new guy started in the office and we had a brief discussion. He's a deep meditator and seems like a nice enough guy. He's very mellow and speaks slow and I'm sure my boss is annoyed with that aspect of his personality. I like it, though. Like me and the other new employee, he doesn't quite fit into the culture there. I wonder how long before it starts getting to him.... or maybe his spiritual foundation is so solid, that it won't get to him. Me? I'm weak.
I found out my boss pulled my one "friend" at work into the other room with the "HR Consultant" and he apologized about the fact that a "coworker" (me) was pulling her into the drama and my boss made it a point of saying he doesn't like drama. Basically, he was trying to get her to throw me under the bus. She didn't. She knows how full of shit he is and how gross that place is.
After I was written up for harassment, I took a break and asked this "friend/coworker" if she wanted to got to the convenient store. I told her what happened. They didn't like that. My boss (nor can anyone else there) stand the fact that I actually have a friend there. A friend interferes with my boss' plot to fire me based on my inability to not work well with others. Yes, i said plot.
Yesterday was 420 which is Christmas for potheads. I have nothing against smoking pot. Lord knows, I was quite the pothead back in the day. That said, I outgrew it because it made me kind of silly and paranoid. I started backing pot in bread last year, not so much to get high but for the sedative effect. I gave up the bread almost a year ago....
My boss encouraged everyone to leave early yesterday to celebrate 420. So, one minute he's talking about how he needs HR to legitimize his business and make them more "corporate" (which is a joke) and the following minute, he's encouraging a bunch of his employees to break the law. Nice.
I officially met with the HR person to discuss the pot in my desk incident. I filed an "official complaint". I want it documented after the whole "white trash" issue. If they're going to make issues out of non-issues then I'm going to make issues out of issues that I was previously not making issues out of.
The HR lady and I talked for about an hour I think she finally understands that there is a group of people at work there who are going out of their way to make things uncomfortable for me. She even told me that someone had complained about her which got back to her. In so many words, she told me that she had her own issues with people there but she killed them with kindness. She said, "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar". I wanted to ask her why I'd want to catch flies? Instead, I nodded.
While I dislike HR Consultant less than I did a week ago, I still don't trust her. I know she's just doing her job but in my opinion, her presence there is simply a weapon that any of the immature and unstable kids can pick up to use against me simply because there is strength in numbers and its their word against mine....
I finally met with that Euro manufacturer a couple of days ago. I did so much research about this company the 6 days preceding the interview. I even wrote a 6 page document about how my background was relevant to the responsibilities of the position and their company. It was a preparation document so that when I went into that interview, I knocked their socks off.
I even added an image to my Trajectory screensaver.
About six months ago, I listened to some career seminar with Rick Jarrow where he suggested putting trajectories in front of you to draw your desires to you. As a result, I created a screensaver with affirmations about finding a job, being happy, opening my chakras. Get the picture? Well, last weekend, I created another slide. It was the logo of this company, my name, the position and "Hired April, 2012". So that is now my screensaver on my imac and my AppleTV.
I know I'm a freak... I'm desperate.
I meditated all week to Brain Sync's "create success" among other positive affirming binaural beat programs. I didn't even go to work that morning because i was afraid I wouldn't be able to shake the toxicity off me and I would drag it into the interview. I stayed home and meditated and interviewed myself and repeated facts about their company.
When I went in on Thursday, the place was nothing like I imagined. It's funny how you know of something simply by the picture your imagination has painted, nothing else. The interview was supposed to be for 45. It lasted maybe 30 minutes. I interviewed with the owner and another executive. The owner didn't seem all that interested or maybe that's just his personality. The other exec did seem more interested but I didn't know what to make of it. I had a few moments where I misspoke because i was nervous. The interview was unlike any interview I had been too. There were no "what are you biggest strengths? weaknesses? where do you see yourself in five years?" questions which sucked because that's what I was ready for. I think they got that i did my homework but I didn't cover 25% of what was on my document. I walked out not knowing how it went... one minute I think it sucked... then I say to myself "maybe it wasn't so bad..." and then a few minutes pass and I think "no, it definitely sucked". And have been pretty depressed as a result....
I guess I expected me to go in there, wow 'em and walk out knowing inside that i nailed it and got the job. I remember going on auditions where I felt that way... but then I would never hear back from the director. So maybe I will be surprised at the outcome of this. Maybe because I walked out of the interview feeling nothing overly optimistic, I will be surprised and actually get the position.... Or maybe I won't.
If I don't, however, I seriously gotta doubt the whole "law of attraction" theory. I could not have prepared myself any more for this interview....
Yesterday, I sent a "thank you" email to one of the interviewers (the one who gave me his business card). The outcome of that opportunity is now officially out of my hands...
My boss yelled at me first thing yesterday morning.... more bullshit. He's creating as much as he can so that he can justify letting me go while weaseling his way out of unemployment.
What's going on at work is harassment. Plain and simple and there ain't a damn thing I can do that I ain't already doing. I'm incredibly depressed and I'm paranoid. Every day I walk into the office, I don't know what to expect so I expect that everything is a plot against me. It's scary.
My mom was paranoid. The cancer meds made her even more paranoid than she was. I always said, though, that mom's paranoia was based on some degree of truth no matter how minute. I realize how hard it must've been for mom and then I feel sad and miss mom even more... especially, since I'm starting to see "Mothers Day" references everywhere.
I'm even having suicidal thoughts... and I'm noticing things... like the tree in front of the house which has a pretty thick branch that would hold a noose (and me) quite well. Magic is the only reason I'm typing this. Then I remember the play Crimes of the Heart which is about 3 sisters whose mother hung herself with a cat. One of the sisters is a bit strange and, at one point, tries to kill herself but then has an epiphany that her mom hung herself with the cat because she didn't want to die alone...Suddenly, I understood.
So this whole meditation thing clearly isn't doing much for my state of mind. What's truly devastating is that I so desperately need to believe in something but I'm starting to doubt that there is anything.... In a nutshell, I'm losing my faith...and that's really all I have.
I remember about three years ago I went to a Hospice Bereavement group. I would listen to people tell their stories of how they lost their loved ones. I've been to a few of those groups but this one in particular really helped me feel better about the fact that my mom was in her 70's when she died. There was one girl whose sister had been murdered by her boyfriend. She was in her 20's. Then there was a man in his 30's whose wife had been killed by a drunk driver. I'll never forget what he said.
He started talking about how he was never much of a believer in God. When his wife died, however, he so desperately wanted to believe. So much, in fact, that he started going to church... all kinds of churches. He had spent the last year exploring different theories and religions regarding existence including Christianity and Buddhism looking for some evidence that his wife's spirit was still alive. He said, all he got from that was an undying certainty that there was no God.
No comments:
Post a Comment