I've been meditating every day for a month now---at least once a day but usually twice a day if you count the Universal Mind Meditation which I've done nightly for just over 2 weeks.
When I was reading Awakening the Third Eye, Samuel Sagan talked about flashing visions that occur during deep meditation. He always made a point of saying not to force things and let them come naturally. So when I did the night meditation and other third eye meditations from the book, I waited for my passing visions but I got nothing.
Lately, however, I have had visions. I can't remember a lot of them. When I have them in a state of meditation, I realize it's a vision and say to myself "Hey, that's a vision!" which takes me out of my trance-like state at least for a little while. Usually, I cannot remember just what it was I visualized.
Here's what I can remember:
I saw an eye. It wasn't glowing or anything. It was just a flash of a regular eye.
I saw a hole in the ground. It was from an angle and I couldn't see what was inside the hole.
I've seen purple flashes.
Lately, however, I haven't seen much... just felt a little light and fluffy.
I've dreamt about my mom a lot. Usually very sad dreams where I can only remember pieces. In these dreams, mom is already dead and I feel stagnant and depressed. I still think there is so much in relation to my mom's death that I haven't dealt with and perhaps all this meditation is forcing me to.
I miss my mom.
I am now only meditating to binaural beats (brain sync and hemi-sync). While I do want a dramatic spiritual awakening, I don't feel that now is a good time to focus my awareness on raising my kundalini. I need to be aware and focused but I don't need to feel like i'm not in control of myself. A few times at work, I felt really off. This was after I had been doing hardcore third eye meditations for over a week. This job situation has been a source of extreme anxiety. My boss is so incredibly moody, I never know what to expect from one day to the next. And he's the type of guy who always needs someone to blame.
In the 3 years that I've been there, I've seen him blame a few different people for project that failed. These last few months, I'm his fall guy (or girl). My head has been on the chopping block on a number of occasions and it's a miracle that it's still attached to my body. He has blamed me that his company isn't growing fast enough. A 14% revenue increase in such dire economic times ain't so bad. Then I reminded him of all the marketing initiatives I came up with that were shot down by his "technical" department. He told me that he still has faith in me. Gee, Boss. Coming from you that means absolutely nothing.
Black Friday was very slow compared to last year. Not quite sure why our Christmas season got off to a late start. I will never forget the week after Black Friday where he screamed at me in front of the whole office demanding to know why we did so poorly on Black Friday. He went on to say that it is solely my responsibility as his marketing director to generate sales. Me and only me--- nobody else.
Jeez. How many people called to order something that our sales team couldn't close? I guess that's my fault too. How many orders were placed and then cancelled because the "tech" team didn't have the correct inventory on the site? My fault. It's my fault that the 49ers didn't make it to the Superbowl, too.
The day he screamed at me about Black Friday, I popped two valium, then went to 7-11 and bought a pack of cigarettes. I had quit smoking two years ago. In those 2 years, I had a few weak moments where I broke down and started smoking. This was one of them. My friend in Florida had sent me some valium. i try not to take it too often but it's good to have in cases of extreme distress.
As fate would have it, this was our busiest Christmas season in the history of the company and we broke our record set the previous year for most orders in a day. Did my boss congratulate me? Give me credit? Commend me in any way?
No.
He proceeded to tell everyone how as a group we achieved such a monumental peak in the company's history. He made it a point to reinforce the fact that it was each of us that contributed to our profitable season.
Oh, okay. So, when we have poor sales days, it's my fault. When we have awesome sales days, everyone is responsible. Got it.
My boss started again this last Friday. As I was walking out the door, I told him goodnight and wished him a nice weekend to which his response was to throw his arms up in the air and snap about how poor sales were and he hoped he could have a nice weekend. No goodbye. Just that "you're to blame" glare. Never mind that we've been super busy most of the month but I've notice a trend that, towards the end of the month when people have rent to pay, things slow down.
I came home Friday in a foul mood because of him. I'm so paranoid that I'm going to get fired. My boss is such an idiot that he wouldn't realize he's shooting himself in the foot by doing so. Anybody who fills my shoes--if they know what they're doing--will have issues because of the dysfunctional foundation of that company.
Early this year I was assigned a Google rep for the quarter. She took a look at our Adwords account and gave me some suggestions. I spoke with her on a few occasions and really got a lot out of those conversations. The quarter ended last Friday and I received an email from her today saying that she enjoyed speaking with me and I had a strong command of Adwords and that my company was lucky to have me. I forwarded it to my boss. My guess is he won't read it. He rarely reads things that I forward him. He will often snap at me about something to which I will respond, "I emailed you about it".
This weekend I meditated a lot to "Manifest Prosperity" which was a Brain Sync mp3 I had bought some time ago. Subliminal messages and theta waves are infused into ambient sounds. I came in to work today to discover that we had a pretty decent weekend. And today was one of the most profitable days I've seen since I worked there. Coincidence or not, today was a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I survived another day. What about tomorrow?
So that's what my life has become.
Mercury goes direct in two days. Hopefully, some of those opportunities that came to a screeching halt will resurface.
To add to the list of MR problems, my imac is now not working. I had two replacement mice sent from Apple to which neither worked. I have spent hours on the phone with AppleCare and there were all kinds of issues. The senior person I last spoke to arranged for one of their "geniuses" to come to my place and fix it. Apparently, I need the blue tooth board replaced. Fortunately, I have a laptop.
Oh, and my tires needed to be replaced... all 4 of them.
My septic tank overflowed because of all the rain.
I decided I want to send back the Sleepsonic pillow. It just isn't very comfortable and in order to experience the binaural beats, you need to sleep on your back. I'm a side sleeper. I want to trade the pillow for something called sleep phones. It looks like an ugly headband with speakers infused into them. I like the fact that I can turn. Right now, since my broken Bose earbuds are in transit to Bose headquarter, I've been using my crappy Apple earbuds which have made the inside of my ears incredibly sore.
Not quite sure what to expect after Mercury goes direct. Of course, in spite of all the craziness over the last 3 weeks, there is still a little voice in my head that says it's all purely coincidental. Mercury influencing technology and timing just isn't logical. But, then of course.... the believer in me is much more dominant.
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