Jesus said in heaven there's not that much to do....

It's been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time....

It's been well over a year and a half since I blogged.  Not sure why I stopped.  I just didn't feel like venting anymore.  A lot has happened since then but then again... not that much.

I was out of work for well over a year.  I interviewed for hundreds of jobs, some up to 3 times but never got an offer.   So many times I was built up over an opportunity only to be let down.  I shed many tears while I was on unemployment.   It's the age and it's damn competitive up here in the Bay area and my resume is funky.  I sort of fell into marketing while I was on my way to getting a supporting role in a long-running TV series.

Just after I barely got the final tier of unemployment extensions before it was discontinued, I ended up getting a contracting job through a networking group.  Funny thing is the person who got me the job was just like me only about 15 years older. She studied theatre, lived in LA (even worked at the same Hollywood studio as I did), moved up here and sort of fell into marketing.  I got to work from home in my jammies while blasting music and sometimes sipping wine.  Pay wasn't great but it wasn't bad and I had 5,000 shares of stock and the best part was that this company was going somewhere. Really, it was!

Then I learned that Silicon Valley is a lot like Hollywood.  How many films get produced but never get picked up for distribution?  Answer:  a whole fucking lot.  Films that never see the light of day... kind of like this company.

I got my walking papers a few days before Thanksgiving.  My boss was sorry.  I was doing a great job but they still had no clients and couldn't afford to pay me.  Maybe in six months when they got their legs under them.... but six months never came.  Two months later, I heard that more people were let go and now it's kaput.  So sad as I really was excited about that company and the people I worked with were truly brilliant.  Real achievers. My boss was nominated for a Pulitzer.

Being canned a couple of days before Thanksgiving---a stupid holiday where people without family are tortured by the blitz of "family" bullshit that American culture and the media shove down our throats around that time---sucks.   It was also around the anniversary of my mom's death.  And only a few weeks earlier, my neighbors who had become the closest thing to family that I had experience since my mom died decided to buy a house about 2.5 hours away and left.  It was just me and Magic in this empty old house through the holiday months.  I was able to resume my long term unemployment since I had been contracting on a 1099 status but then on 12/28 good old congress fucked me in the ass and cancelled EUC.  There were only a few more weeks left on my claim anyway but still.... it would've helped.

I ended up putting out my resume like crazy and I ended up getting a job finally.  Of course I had to collect food stamps first.  It's not my dream job and it has its share of dysfunction but it sure as shit beats the last place I was at (excluding the contracting gig).  I like my boss who is young but smart and respectful.  Those millennials at the other place I worked at could take a lesson from her.  Incidentally, I heard from my boss from back then and the millennial shitheads who made my life such hell ultimately ended up fucking him over and he wanted to apologize for what happened and would I like to come back and work for him? Fortunately,  I had already gotten my contractor gig and I politely declined (with a huge smile on my face).  I reminded him of some of things they did to me and he said "why didn't you tell me?"  Some people, I swear.  In any case, I finally made peace with all the shit that happened back then in that job.

It's been more than 5 years since my mom died and I miss her still so much.  Sunday is Mothers Day. I thought about taking myself to a spa, treating myself to a facial, a massage, some good champagne and a feast but then I woke up to reality and realized that it would cost a paycheck to do it up right.  I think I will simply work in my garden, burn a candle for mom and remember her.

Vegan Baked Penne recipe - this is good, people!!

I've been absent for weeks now---focusing on other stuff.  I've done the elliptical everyday for two weeks (except one day).  Not sure how much weight I've lost but I've definitely lost a lot as my clothes are all baggy.

The other day my neighbor gave me a bag of fresh-picked tomatoes from her garden along with an invitation to help myself to the basil plant.  This inspired me to concoct a super awesome vegan dish that I have to share.  I mean, this dish totally rocked.  It was also the first time I've had pasta since before I went on my juice fast.

Incredients:
5 cups cherry tomatoes
1 yellow onion
1 bunch (large branch) basil
8 cloves garlic
Oregano, sea salt and other seasonings.
1/2 cup vodka
Vegan Gourmet Mozzarella cheese (Follow Your Heart)
Tofutti
Yves Ground Round
Dreamsfield penne pasta (I use dreamsfield because it's low carb)

Start with the marinara sauce:

First, take the skin off about 5 cups of cherry tomatoes.  (It's easy if you put them in boiling water for a minute before transporting them to ice cold water---the skin will just fall right off).  Once skinned, I processed the tomatoes and put them in a crock pot.

Saute one yellow onion along with 8 garlic cloves.  Put sauteed mix in crock pot.

Take a bunch of fresh basil, chop finely and put in crock pot.

Add sea salt, black pepper and oregano and other seasons to taste (I use something called Everyday Seasoning from Trader Joe's).

Add a half cup of vodka.  This will extract additional locked flavors.

Cook on low for 5 hours.  Timing with slow cookers are subjective based on brand and size. My "low" becomes more of a high as it starts lightly boiling after a few hours.  This is usually when I know it's done.

Dissolve a half container of Tofutti cream cheese into the mixture along with one package of Yves Ground Round.

Boil a box of low carb pasta from Dreamsfield til al dente.  Then mix with marinara/ground round concoction.

Spread in a baking pan or casserole dish and top with a layer of shredded Vegan Gourmet mozzarella cheese.  The brand I use is from Follow Your Heart.

Cover with foil and baked in preheated 350 oven for 20 minutes.  Remove foil and bake for another 10 minutes.

You are done.  Sprinkle with nutritional yeast for extra flavor.

For a pasta junkie like me who had been on a pasta hiatus for almost three months, this was the best way to break my pasta fast and it was well worth the wait.  

Transformation

This last week I swapped my electric guitar for an elliptical trainer.  Gotta love Craig's List.  It was a bit of a hassle as the woman who I swapped with forgot the AC adapter and had to mail it to me but yesterday I used my cross trainer for the first time and I can honestly say that last night was the most focused, clear and at peace I've felt for a long while. 

I stopped taking Lamictacl almost 4 weeks ago and I've been taking the Spirulina, Chlorella and Vitamin D religiously. I've also adhered to my vegan diet aside from feta cheese which I occasionally sprinkle on a kale salad.  I've had ups and downs... moments of brain fog and extreme fatigue.  Yesterday, I either broke out in a rash or was bit by something because my right hand has a few small red welts all over it.  Chlorella is a detoxer so it's possible that the rash is a result of detox.  I'm sure there's plenty of toxins still in me.  30 days of juice fasting was not long enough to purge my body of all the crap I polluted it with over the years.

Gimme Head with Hair

Back when I was still on the juice fast, I got a bottle of organic spirulina tablets from Trader Joe's.  Spirulina is a single-celled algae that is considered a superfood because of it's health benefits.  It's supposed to be a purer source of protein than meat.  I took it periodically while fasting but it was not something I took daily.  A few days ago I decided to take it every day with my Vitamin D since, apparently, Spirulina is also very good for cognitive functioning among other things.  I think today was either my fifth or sixth consecutive day taking it. 

One major problem I've experienced over the last few years is my hair falling out.  It's so frustrating when I run the comb through my hair only to pull out tons of hair.  It's been so bad over the years that my hair has clogged up both my bathroom sink and shower.

D

I stopped taking the lamictal just under 2 weeks ago.  I hadn't felt much of anything in terms of withdrawal.  A couple of years ago, I'd decreased my dose and went through a serious emotional breakdown and was grateful not to have experienced it this far.  Then a couple of days ago, I started to feel depressed.  Of course, this could just be depression and not related to the fact that I stopped taking Lamictal. 

Along with the depression, I feel dumb as a doornail.   It's really difficult to stay focused.  Yesterday, my friend Stacy called me and I kept forgetting what I was saying.  This has happened in the past but it seems more pronounced now.  Then yesterday, I found myself googling the most painless way to commit suicide.

Time Passages

Recently, I made a playlist of music that I listened to when I lived in NYC.  It included lots of stuff from the 90's like Violet by Hole, Sour Times by Portishead, Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden, Only Happy When it Rains by Garbage, Only Love Can Break Your Heart by St. Etienne, Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground.  It includes music from Oasis, Bjork, Massive Attack, Tricky, The Breeders, The Orb, Nirvana and music that carries with it the imprint of a time in my life that has long since passed... a time in my life where I was young and free and never once thought about the consequences of my actions.  Unlike today, which is all about consequences...some of the consequences I'm dealing with, in fact, are a result of that time in my life.

I listened to this playlist yesterday as I soaked in my bathtub and was overwhelmed with a plethora of emotions including sadness and guilt and wonder.  If I knew then what I know now, would I have done things differently?  I think so.

The Morning Fog

It's been about a week since I stopped taking Lamictal cold turkey.  I was taking 200 mg/day.

I haven't had any headaches nor felt that I'm in danger of having a seizure.  What I have felt is fatigued and spaced out.  Sort of like I have ADD or what I imagine having ADD would be like.  I have trouble focusing or staying focused. It's difficult for me to piece together a sentence sometimes.  I hope that within a week the Lamictal will be out of my system completely and all of these withdrawal symptoms will cease all together.

I started walking daily again and even started to run, which is something I haven't done in years.  The main reason that I'm interested in running is not for weight loss but rather to improve my brain function and memory.  I did some research on holistic remedies for ADD and something that consistently came up was cardio exercise.  It's great for depression and focus.  Given the current uncertainty of my life and work situation, it's important for me to be focused and stress-free so I've decided that I will incorporate exercise into my every day routine. 


Yesterday I made lunch for my neighbors (black bean burritos).  I ended up drinking my two bottles of Tribunal with them.  It's the first time I've had more than a glass of wine since before my fast.  I wanted to use the wine so that I no longer was tempted by having it at my disposal.  I've decided I do not want to ever drink alone again. Not good for the mind, not good for the body, not good for the soul.

Yesterday while I was on the deck drinking wine I realized that I was appreciating wine more than I had in a very long time. By not having wine for almost two months and then experiencing an afternoon of drinking wine with my neighbors, I appreciated it more than when I drank it nightly all by myself.

It's so easy to take things for granted.

Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft

When I was about 20, I started having grand mal seizures.  Prior to this, I believe I was having petit mal seizures.  Grand mals are easy to diagnose whereas other types of seizures aren't.  I could've been having seizures for years prior to that first grand mal.  As a teenager I had weird neurological problems that went undiagnosed.  Perhaps they are linked to the seizures I started getting in early adulthood.

When I was about 16, I would experience really loud feedback noise in my head usually when I was about to fall asleep.  It was creepy and when I told my mom about it, she didn't really take it seriously.  Probably because we didn't have health insurance and she had gotten insanely in debt due to vision problems I had as a teenager.  I sort of hate myself for that.  Had I not had these vision problems, then mom wouldn't have gotten so deeply in debt and her life would've been different.  But that's another story...

The Bar

It's been 2 weeks since I broke my fast.  Aside from a little bit of feta cheese I've sprinkled on a few salads, I have not had anything dairy.  I resumed having my morning coffee a few days ago but I've limited it to about 1 to 2 cups with almond milk and agave syrup (instead of half n half and Splenda).  I have not gained any weight.  In fact, I think I might still be losing...  I get full really easily and, on a few occasions, have inadvertently overeaten and ended up with a really bad stomach ache that kept me up.  Pajama bottoms that used to fit on me super tight are literally sliding off me.  I haven't weighed myself, though.

Here's what I had yesterday and this type of menu is pretty typical since I broke my fast:

Crock Pot Cherry Popping for Vegans

Today is an exciting day for me.  I am finally using the crock pot I bought a few weeks ago.  My self-made concoction is currently in slow cooking mode.  I finally made use of the two cans of Whole Foods organic black beans which have been sitting in my cupboard for over a year.  No canned anything for me from this day forward... it's all about fresh, fresh, fresh from here on out!

Here's what's currently brewing:

2 cans organic black beans
1 onion & 4 leeks (pre-sautee'd)
3 stalks of diced celery
3 carrots (pre-steamed)
Annie's Organic Smokey Maple BBQ Sauce
Oregano, Basil, Rosemary, Garlic, chilli pepper powder
1/2 pack of Yves Ground Round (vegan ground beef substitute)

This could end up being really good or perhaps not so much.  I hope it's at least palatable.  Will find out at 7:00 when it should be finished.

I plan on serving this over Quinoa.  How's that for healthy, bitches??

Destiny's Child

It's been a week since I broke my fast.  Yesterday is the first day that I've introduced carbs into my diet by eating pasta and bread.  I had no intention of doing this anytime soon but my neighbor invited me to a late lunch.  My stomach is still quite small so I didn't eat as much as I would've two months ago.  I also had a glass of white wine which left me with a headache for the remainder of the day.  It was so bad, in fact, that I broke down and took an Ipuprofen before bed.

While I am really trying to stay away from all of the above, it's unrealistic that I will cut all these things out of my diet permanently.  There is no holistic remedy (that I'm aware of) for headaches and the one I had last night was pretty debilitating.

Turn and Face the Strain

Today is day 4 since I broke my fast.  Each day, I've gradually eaten more.  There were a couple of days that I didn't juice--today included--but I've eaten an abundance of veggies and fruits.  No grains just yet.

My new BFF is my Black and Decker Handy Steamer.  It's the easiest thing to operate.  It's easier than juicing, that's for sure!  You fill up the base with water, throw chopped veggies in the top, turn a dial and voila! There's a little mesh compartment where you can add spices for flavor.  This thing is truly easy and the result is truly delicious.  Top the steamed veggies with vegan spread (Earth Balance) and nutritional yeast which is my other BFF.  You can put it on anything! 

Breakfast for Dummies - Day 1

My imac is asleep most of the time when not in use but every so often it  turns on in the middle of the night.  This happened last night at around 3:30.  For whatever reason, it didn't go back to sleep so I had to get up and shut it down.  Unfortunately, by that time I was awake and couldn't fall back asleep.  I lay awake and thought about breaking the fast and worried because I have read many conflicting things in terms of what should be eaten on the first day. 

Some people claim that raw is the only way to go during the first week.  Others are eating eggs and rice on day 1.  While I have no intention of eating eggs or rice during the first week, I'm uncertain as to what veggies are acceptable to eat in the first day.  Some veggies are harder to digest than others.

Juice Fast Day 30 - the finish line

I made it!  Fasted for 30 days and haven't died.  Overall, I feel pretty good.  Today I had a headache and felt off.  But then I did that thing that I do to aid in the detox--- you know the one that involves caffeine, a bag, my ass and a tube?  As soon as I did that, my headache was gone!  I neglected the CE for two days this week and both times I felt those detox symptoms rearing their ugly heads again (headache and an overall "blah" feeling).  This just confirms that to effectively do a detox fast of any sort, you must regularly do the CE to flush the toxins out; otherwise, those bitches'll make you crazy!!

Tomorrow is fruit only day for me...oh and juice.  Not giving up the juicing.  Going to break my fast with a piece of fruit--probably a golden apple and then have a fruit smoothie in the afternoon and probably another piece of fruit later in the day....  everything I've read states that you must be extremely careful when breaking the fast.  My digestive system is asleep so I need to wake it up ever so gently or it might get really pissed at me and then I'll really be miserable. 

Juice Fast Day 29 - My Body, the Hand Grenade

While America's ignorant homophobic population currently clogs their arteries by scarfing Chick-Fil-A sandwiches and nuggets, my wholesome body purrs gently in approval as I sip my spinach, carrot, celery, red onion and garlic, cherry tomato juice. 

What has always baffled me about these right wing self-righteous bible-thumpers is the fact that they pick and choose which verses in the bible they're going to enforce while ignoring any of the ones that just may incriminate them as being hellbound.

For example, there's that whole Body=Temple of God thing??

Day 25 - Personal Jesus

Another food-free day in paradise.   My bouts of hunger are somewhat under control although I do still crave something solid.  This morning my neighbor invited me out for dinner and a drink.  I had to remind her that i was fasting.

As I mentioned, the juice-making process is a bitch.  I listen to music as I juice and average at least a whole album during the prep to cleanup process.

One of my favorite albums to listen to these days is the Nina Hagen gospel album.  It is truly brilliant.  The recurring theme of the album is Jesus.   It includes everything from a cover of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus to old school gospel songs.  It's a total reinvention of the Nina I fell in love with back in the 80's.  The mere fact that I'm singing to gospel would make my mom proud.

Day 24 Juice Fast - Light at the end of the tunnel

One week from today I will be breaking my fast.  I've read up on breaking a juice fast and all seem to concur that you need to ease the digestive system back into it by consuming only raw fruits and veggies for the first few days.  Juicing should remain a dominant part of the diet.

Day 23 Juice Fast - A dream within a dream...

I'm tired of juicing.  It really is a lot of work.  You gotta scrub veggies/fruits with veggie cleaner if they're not organic.  If they are organic, you still need to soak them--you just don't need to scrub as vigorously.  Then you gotta cut them up so they fit in the chute.  Sometimes I use up to 8 different veggies/fruits in a juice.

While I love my new juicer, the Omega 350 HD, juicing is time consuming because you need to alternate between whatever you're juicing to ensure that it doesn't get clogged.  It's an auger juicer so it's very slow.  Greens and anything with a texture is susceptible to clogging the juicer.  I try to put greens in everything so there's always a risk of clogging. When it clogs, it's a bitch to clean. It also ejects more pulp than most juicers so I have to attach a sieve in between the spout and the juice container.  The sieve gets a film of pulp that resembles swamp scum and it needs to be cleaned out repeatedly. I have gotten better at using this juicer. It rarely clogs now whereas when I first got it, it clogged all the time.  Sometimes it takes up to an hour to make one juice.

Juice Fast Day 21

Props to me for making it this far.  Three weeks on nothing but juice, decaf herbal tea, coconut water, water and almond milk.  For someone who started her day with coffee and ended it with either a glass of red wine or a beer, that's quite an accomplishment.

The year I left LA, I had a weird discoloration that appeared in my upper abdomen just under my breasts.  It was very pronounced. When I moved to FL to care for my mom, I went to her doctor who looked at it and said I should go to a dermatologist.  I've lived with it for 5 years always believing that it was probably from my LA days of tanning beds.

This morning I noticed it was gone.  Well... mostly gone.  At first glance it looks gone but taking a closer look there is still a faint discoloration.

Day 20 - not quite sure where Day 19 went...

Seems like I woke up yesterday and, in a flash, the day was over...

Shopped, juiced, stuck some coffee up my ass, dry brushed, showered, looked for work on Craig's List, watched Luther which is my new Netflix addiction, drank a lot of tea, shopped for a japanese style vegetable knife online and then went to sleep. 


Last night I dreamt I ate pizza.

No spiritual epiphanies and nothing too exciting.  I think I'm depressed and bored with my life.  Oh, and I'm hungry. 

I'm also disgusted by the whole scenario with my sister and my graphic designer friend.  Even though I paid her bill, he is clearly mad at me as he didn't bother reaching out to me for my birthday and hasn't returned any of my emails.

I finally decided to confront him as I'm not one to play games.  If there's a problem, out with it already.  My email to him basically asked if he was upset with me and I wanted to know why.  I did everything I possibly could to make the situation right with him which included paying the bill.  I then went on and told him what a shame it would be if the situation with my sister impacted our friendship because he was a dear friend to me.  That was sent Tuesday night.  No response.

So, this ended up costing me $100 that I didn't really have, my relationship with my friend who is also a valuable work reference and, of course, I've cut my sister out of my life as a result of this debacle.  All of this for a simple referral.  Let that be a valuable lesson.

People never cease to amaze me.