Day 12 - The trick is to keep breathing

Last night sucked.  I was doing quite well and then suddenly I felt congested.  It was a challenge to breathe.  That was accompanied with anxiety which lead to paranoia.  When I got up to go the kitchen, my legs felt weak and the back of my right thigh hurt.  I felt very strange and very scared.  I was wide awake so I took a melatonin.

I thought that perhaps I was dying or having a heart attack. Maybe I had something that was undiagnosed and the fast was endangering my health.  Or perhaps my body was depleted of something that it needed and if it didn't have it, I would die.... I was freezing and shaking and felt like I was coming off of something.

I frantically googled looking for something---anything to put my mind at ease but nothing came and I just got more and more frightened.  Then I thought about dying and how nobody would even know for a few days.  If I didn't come out, my neighbors would know and they have keys but what about Magic?  I over-filled her bowl.  But my place is a mess maybe I should vacuum as my neighbor is like Joan Crawford when she sees anything untidy.  But it's after midnight and the vacuum is loud.  And maybe dying wouldn't be so bad?  I wouldn't have to worry about finding another job or my student loans or turning 45.  I'd get to see my mom again... and Adam...and my wild and crazy Aunt Kladdy and Matt Moore, my BFF in high school who committed suicide.  Yeah, and I guess Dad would even be there, too.

Or this could also be the accumulation of drugs stored in my fat cells that are coming out of my system.  Wonderful.  I'm having a flashback.
Or maybe I am dying?
No, this is definitely some kind of drug flashback.
But I have pain in my chest.
It's gas.
No, it's a heart attack.
But, I can't breathe.
The congestion could be from all those years of smoking.
Or I'm just sick and dying.
You're anxious.

Finally we agreed on something.  Yes, I was anxious.

I finally fell asleep.  Today, I feel better but I'm still feeling off.   As the day progresses, my chest is feeling congested again and I'm coughing up gunk.  I need to go to the store but I'm afraid to drive.  The produce market down the road is close enough..  That was my plan-- go to the market, get some more veggies and drive back.  Then my cutting board broke in half.   Wonderful.  Now I have to drive further because the produce market doesn't sell cutting boards.

I stay out of my town because I'm afraid to run into any of the local derelicts from the place that shall not be named.  It's a small town and there are only a handful of markets.  I often run into the few people I know at the market.  So I go to the neighboring town which is about 10 to 15 minutes away.  Plus they have Trader Joe's which is my favorite market.  They have a great selection and are not overpriced like Whole Foods.

So, if I don't check in ever again, that means I'm dead.  It's been real.