Today I went to a farm out in wine country to buy some produce and saw this sign. I had to stop and take a picture. I just had to.
Today would have been my last day of the fast if I hadn't decided to extend it through Monday. That will be 10 days. I will see how I feel and determine whether I want to break the fast on Tuesday or continue... I don't like breaking promises... even to myself and if I commit to 30 days now and don't meet that, then I will inevitably be angry at myself and grumpy. Rather than pat myself on the back and say, "Hey, you did it!", I'd slap myself in the face and say, "Stupid bitch, why didn't you do 30 days like you committed to? You're so weak."
That's my psychology. Right now, 10 days. I don't miss food so much but I do miss red wine. Red wine is something that I regularly had with dinner so when I think about that, then I do miss food. When I do break the fast, I want to do a strict raw diet for a week and then gradually incorporate some cooked foods into my diet. I already eat pretty healthy but I want to take it up a notch.
Last night I dreamt both my parents were alive. In the dream, I lived with my mom and I was trying to talk my dad into moving in to take care of her because I really wanted to move out and get on with my life. It wasn't an emotional dream... just very real. I was talking to both my parents. No yelling. . .just talk and it was nice. Then I woke up. It took a while for reality to set in.
My evil mind delivered a monologue similar to this...
Both mom and dad are dead. You're alone. You have no job. No other. No real friends in town. Your birthday is coming up in less than two weeks and you have nobody to spend it with aside from your cat. Your siblings are douchebags and your BFF is a prick. Die already.
This was a major shift in demeanor from yesterday. Then I realized that I had a toothache. Also, my gums felt swollen and have even bled a couple of times this week. Is this part of the fast? I did research and got mixed reviews. Some say it's the consumption of fruit juices and their high sugar content; others say it's a symptom of the body detoxing.
When I was a kid and didn't want to brush my teeth, my dad would pull out his dentures and yell, "See what happens when you don't brush your teeth?!" and I would run into the bathroom, grab the toothpaste and brush my little heart out.
Plus I have another image of my dad's dentures imprinted in my memory. It was the night he died and I went to the hospital to see his body. When I walked into the room, I saw him there on the bed looking pale white and like a shadow of his former self. His dentures were literally hanging out of this mouth. The damn nurse couldn't put them in.
I'm terrified of losing my teeth. I don't want my dentures hanging out of my mouth when I'm dead. Unfortunately, I don't have insurance or I'd go see a dentist. Instead, I diligently floss, use natural toothpaste, use one of those electric brushes that are more thorough at cleaning than a manual one. I use myrrh and other herbs on my gums. So, you see... waking up with a toothache sort of freaked me out. It's gone now.
I find myself asking myself if every symptom I'm feeling is a result of this fast. My whole body aches today... but it could be from the fact that I've been running around most of the day and am just now getting a chance to relax. It does seem rather extreme, though. Then, of course, there's my emotional demeanor.
When I left to do my shopping, I felt very sad. I thought of the dream and my parents and how lonely life is. Even with friends, you're all alone. As I drove to the market, I started to cry. As the day progressed, my mood improved. I have so much to do today but I don't have the motivation to do anything.
They say that old injuries will come back during the detox process. My right knee hurts incredibly today. I hurt my knee playing tennis about ten years ago and I never felt it healed right. I've also read that emotional injuries come back during the detox process. I have a lot of those. Basically, you're healing all these old scars through fasting and detox. Do I believe it all? I really don't know but the only way to have an opinion is to experience it. I'm so ready to get to the enlightened phase of this fast.... I'm extending my fast more for that than anything else.
Spiritual epiphanies.
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