The new juicer is great. It's much quieter than the Champion. The juice also tastes better. It juices leafy greens and wheat grass. My biggest problem with it is that there is some pulp in the juice so it needs to be strained. That said, I'll take it over the Champion juicer, which by the way is still broken so it looks like I will have to ship it back to them for repair (and then sell it on Craig's List).
I'm not sure where my life will go from here. Right now, I'm unemployed, have limited funds, no insurance or security---only debt. In less than 2 weeks I'll be 45. I have put myself out there and applied for numerous jobs. Given the fact that I'm on unemployment and am therefore receiving an income, I haven't hit the panic button. This fast is an opportunity I might not have again. While I initially committed to 7 days, I do think I'm ready to move the bar and now extend it to 10.
I've clearly lost some weight. My Ramones tshirt that was once quite baggy, became too tight over the last few years. I wore it yesterday and it's a lot looser.
While weight loss is a definite benefit, the main reason I want to extend the fast is that I think my body desperately needs a serious detox. Already, I have seen some pretty scary things.
For example, my forehead broke out in some weird discoloration pattern. It almost looks like freckles but it's not. This is something that just appeared overnight. I emailed the nutritionist and am waiting for a response. But, I did some online research and it seems like this is normal... for a drug addict!
Headaches persist although severity has decreased tremendously from the first day. They're also intermittent.
I still have insomnia and bizarre dreams. While I was advised not to take melatonin by the nutritionist, I do anyway because if I didn't, I'd never fall asleep. Even with the melatonin, I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep.
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with Kate Bush in my head (Moments of Pleasure) which then shifted to Seattle by Public Image Limited. It was like a radio in my head that I could not shut off. Also, my heart was pounding and I felt anxious. This reminded me of when I was addicted to Xanax.
I started taking Xanax when I was my mom's caregiver. I was incredibly anxious and stressed all the time. My neurologist knew my situation so he prescribed it. When my mom died, I upped the dosage and started mixing it with other benzos (and alcohol).
My (former) BFF gave me a bottle of Valium while my mom was in hospice. He didn't know I had the Xanax script and I wasn't about to tell him. I gratefully accepted the bottle. Additionally, I had a bottle of Klonopin that I had tried and didn't like which sat in a drawer. Then there was my mom's Ativan. All of these pharmaceuticals fall in the benzodiazepines family and are highly addictive. Xanax was my benzo of choice since it kicks in within ten minutes. And its effect is quite dramatic.
Every time I was nervous or sad or couldn't sleep, I'd go running for the shelter of mother's little helper and that was pretty much all the time. And so it went on.. for years. While I was in Belgium, my Aunt got me a Xanax prescription plus I had my script from my Florida neurologist (which he increased after my mom died) and then I got another script from the local clinic so I was set for a while.
My body would constantly surpass its tolerance level so I went from taking 3 or 4 Xanax a day to taking 7 or 8. When the nurse at the clinic told me that she could only write me one more prescription because it was time for me to see a doctor about my anxiety, I decided it was time to ween myself off. Besides, her prescription was for 2 a day and that pretty much did nothing for me.
As I started to take less, I'd wake up in the middle of the night, incredibly anxious. My heart was pounding and I was convinced I was going to have a heart attack. Boys on the Radio by Hole was always in my head and I couldn't stop it. I googled "Xanax withdrawal" and lo and behold, these are symptoms. I was relieved and terrified.
I knew that to get off Xanax you had to switch to another benzo---one with a longer half life. The reason Xanax kicks in so quickly is because it has a shorter half life. Valium has one of the longest. Most people who come off Xanax are switched to Valium in order to ween off. It's amazing I know so much about these drugs but I was obsessed with them for years. They were my life force.
I saw a doctor at the clinic. She tried to tell me that Xanax withdrawal wasn't physical but mental and emotional and wanted me to just stop taking it. I immediately knew that was bullshit and she must have graduated from med school five minutes before I walked in the room. I knew more about benzos than she did! My neurologist in Florida even told me how physically addicting Xanax was and if I attempted to come off it suddenly, I could have a seizure. After my persistence, she finally gave me a 30 day supply of Klonopin which she insisted was better than Valium. I wanted to ask her if she was fucking kidding me but clearly she wasn't.
I started using the Klonopin but I knew immediately that it wasn't going to work. My (no longer) BFF ended up sending me a bottle of valium and I weened myself off over the course of a couple of months. I still have Valium and will occasionally take one if I'm stressed... but it's rare.
So these symptoms last night totally reminded me of my Xanax withdrawal nights from hell. I've read a lot about detox and "healing crises" and apparently one has years and years of toxins that build up in the system over time. Considering all the substances I did in my 20's and 30's and even 40's w/ the benzos, I'm sure my body has a lot to dispel due to my years and years of abuse. This got me thinking...
In retrospect, I think I used drugs because I wanted to die. I didn't care about the future because I didn't envision myself having one. The fact that in two weeks I'm going to be 45 is a miracle as I never thought I'd get this far. I wanted to live fast and die young. Since I didn't die young, I have to suffer the consequences of my irresponsibility. It's not to prolong my life but to make my quality of life better for however long I'm stuck in this world. Maybe one day it won't feel so much like being "stuck". I guess I just miss my mom and feel a little lonely with my birthday approaching.
WARNING: If the topic of defecation freaks you out, STOP READING NOW.
I've also noticed some pretty scary things when I go to the bathroom which I've been doing a lot of. There is a controversy about "impacted fecal matter". Some say there are years and years worth of shit lodged in your colon and this is what causes disease and discomfort. This is why people do colonics and colon cleanses. Others adamantly disagree professing there is no scientific proof of this and colonics/cleanses are a waste.
All I can base my decision on is my own experience and all I know is that I haven't eaten in 6 days yet there is all kinds of rank crap being evacuated from my colon. It smells like metal and looks like coffee grinds. If I haven't eaten, where is this coming from?
And on that note, I bring you one of the songs I couldn't get out of my head as I was going through my toxic withdrawal sleepless night from hell, ironically entitled, "Moments of Pleasure"....
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