Vegan Baked Penne recipe - this is good, people!!

I've been absent for weeks now---focusing on other stuff.  I've done the elliptical everyday for two weeks (except one day).  Not sure how much weight I've lost but I've definitely lost a lot as my clothes are all baggy.

The other day my neighbor gave me a bag of fresh-picked tomatoes from her garden along with an invitation to help myself to the basil plant.  This inspired me to concoct a super awesome vegan dish that I have to share.  I mean, this dish totally rocked.  It was also the first time I've had pasta since before I went on my juice fast.

Incredients:
5 cups cherry tomatoes
1 yellow onion
1 bunch (large branch) basil
8 cloves garlic
Oregano, sea salt and other seasonings.
1/2 cup vodka
Vegan Gourmet Mozzarella cheese (Follow Your Heart)
Tofutti
Yves Ground Round
Dreamsfield penne pasta (I use dreamsfield because it's low carb)

Start with the marinara sauce:

First, take the skin off about 5 cups of cherry tomatoes.  (It's easy if you put them in boiling water for a minute before transporting them to ice cold water---the skin will just fall right off).  Once skinned, I processed the tomatoes and put them in a crock pot.

Saute one yellow onion along with 8 garlic cloves.  Put sauteed mix in crock pot.

Take a bunch of fresh basil, chop finely and put in crock pot.

Add sea salt, black pepper and oregano and other seasons to taste (I use something called Everyday Seasoning from Trader Joe's).

Add a half cup of vodka.  This will extract additional locked flavors.

Cook on low for 5 hours.  Timing with slow cookers are subjective based on brand and size. My "low" becomes more of a high as it starts lightly boiling after a few hours.  This is usually when I know it's done.

Dissolve a half container of Tofutti cream cheese into the mixture along with one package of Yves Ground Round.

Boil a box of low carb pasta from Dreamsfield til al dente.  Then mix with marinara/ground round concoction.

Spread in a baking pan or casserole dish and top with a layer of shredded Vegan Gourmet mozzarella cheese.  The brand I use is from Follow Your Heart.

Cover with foil and baked in preheated 350 oven for 20 minutes.  Remove foil and bake for another 10 minutes.

You are done.  Sprinkle with nutritional yeast for extra flavor.

For a pasta junkie like me who had been on a pasta hiatus for almost three months, this was the best way to break my pasta fast and it was well worth the wait.  

Transformation

This last week I swapped my electric guitar for an elliptical trainer.  Gotta love Craig's List.  It was a bit of a hassle as the woman who I swapped with forgot the AC adapter and had to mail it to me but yesterday I used my cross trainer for the first time and I can honestly say that last night was the most focused, clear and at peace I've felt for a long while. 

I stopped taking Lamictacl almost 4 weeks ago and I've been taking the Spirulina, Chlorella and Vitamin D religiously. I've also adhered to my vegan diet aside from feta cheese which I occasionally sprinkle on a kale salad.  I've had ups and downs... moments of brain fog and extreme fatigue.  Yesterday, I either broke out in a rash or was bit by something because my right hand has a few small red welts all over it.  Chlorella is a detoxer so it's possible that the rash is a result of detox.  I'm sure there's plenty of toxins still in me.  30 days of juice fasting was not long enough to purge my body of all the crap I polluted it with over the years.

Gimme Head with Hair

Back when I was still on the juice fast, I got a bottle of organic spirulina tablets from Trader Joe's.  Spirulina is a single-celled algae that is considered a superfood because of it's health benefits.  It's supposed to be a purer source of protein than meat.  I took it periodically while fasting but it was not something I took daily.  A few days ago I decided to take it every day with my Vitamin D since, apparently, Spirulina is also very good for cognitive functioning among other things.  I think today was either my fifth or sixth consecutive day taking it. 

One major problem I've experienced over the last few years is my hair falling out.  It's so frustrating when I run the comb through my hair only to pull out tons of hair.  It's been so bad over the years that my hair has clogged up both my bathroom sink and shower.

D

I stopped taking the lamictal just under 2 weeks ago.  I hadn't felt much of anything in terms of withdrawal.  A couple of years ago, I'd decreased my dose and went through a serious emotional breakdown and was grateful not to have experienced it this far.  Then a couple of days ago, I started to feel depressed.  Of course, this could just be depression and not related to the fact that I stopped taking Lamictal. 

Along with the depression, I feel dumb as a doornail.   It's really difficult to stay focused.  Yesterday, my friend Stacy called me and I kept forgetting what I was saying.  This has happened in the past but it seems more pronounced now.  Then yesterday, I found myself googling the most painless way to commit suicide.

Time Passages

Recently, I made a playlist of music that I listened to when I lived in NYC.  It included lots of stuff from the 90's like Violet by Hole, Sour Times by Portishead, Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden, Only Happy When it Rains by Garbage, Only Love Can Break Your Heart by St. Etienne, Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground.  It includes music from Oasis, Bjork, Massive Attack, Tricky, The Breeders, The Orb, Nirvana and music that carries with it the imprint of a time in my life that has long since passed... a time in my life where I was young and free and never once thought about the consequences of my actions.  Unlike today, which is all about consequences...some of the consequences I'm dealing with, in fact, are a result of that time in my life.

I listened to this playlist yesterday as I soaked in my bathtub and was overwhelmed with a plethora of emotions including sadness and guilt and wonder.  If I knew then what I know now, would I have done things differently?  I think so.

The Morning Fog

It's been about a week since I stopped taking Lamictal cold turkey.  I was taking 200 mg/day.

I haven't had any headaches nor felt that I'm in danger of having a seizure.  What I have felt is fatigued and spaced out.  Sort of like I have ADD or what I imagine having ADD would be like.  I have trouble focusing or staying focused. It's difficult for me to piece together a sentence sometimes.  I hope that within a week the Lamictal will be out of my system completely and all of these withdrawal symptoms will cease all together.

I started walking daily again and even started to run, which is something I haven't done in years.  The main reason that I'm interested in running is not for weight loss but rather to improve my brain function and memory.  I did some research on holistic remedies for ADD and something that consistently came up was cardio exercise.  It's great for depression and focus.  Given the current uncertainty of my life and work situation, it's important for me to be focused and stress-free so I've decided that I will incorporate exercise into my every day routine. 


Yesterday I made lunch for my neighbors (black bean burritos).  I ended up drinking my two bottles of Tribunal with them.  It's the first time I've had more than a glass of wine since before my fast.  I wanted to use the wine so that I no longer was tempted by having it at my disposal.  I've decided I do not want to ever drink alone again. Not good for the mind, not good for the body, not good for the soul.

Yesterday while I was on the deck drinking wine I realized that I was appreciating wine more than I had in a very long time. By not having wine for almost two months and then experiencing an afternoon of drinking wine with my neighbors, I appreciated it more than when I drank it nightly all by myself.

It's so easy to take things for granted.

Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft

When I was about 20, I started having grand mal seizures.  Prior to this, I believe I was having petit mal seizures.  Grand mals are easy to diagnose whereas other types of seizures aren't.  I could've been having seizures for years prior to that first grand mal.  As a teenager I had weird neurological problems that went undiagnosed.  Perhaps they are linked to the seizures I started getting in early adulthood.

When I was about 16, I would experience really loud feedback noise in my head usually when I was about to fall asleep.  It was creepy and when I told my mom about it, she didn't really take it seriously.  Probably because we didn't have health insurance and she had gotten insanely in debt due to vision problems I had as a teenager.  I sort of hate myself for that.  Had I not had these vision problems, then mom wouldn't have gotten so deeply in debt and her life would've been different.  But that's another story...

The Bar

It's been 2 weeks since I broke my fast.  Aside from a little bit of feta cheese I've sprinkled on a few salads, I have not had anything dairy.  I resumed having my morning coffee a few days ago but I've limited it to about 1 to 2 cups with almond milk and agave syrup (instead of half n half and Splenda).  I have not gained any weight.  In fact, I think I might still be losing...  I get full really easily and, on a few occasions, have inadvertently overeaten and ended up with a really bad stomach ache that kept me up.  Pajama bottoms that used to fit on me super tight are literally sliding off me.  I haven't weighed myself, though.

Here's what I had yesterday and this type of menu is pretty typical since I broke my fast:

Crock Pot Cherry Popping for Vegans

Today is an exciting day for me.  I am finally using the crock pot I bought a few weeks ago.  My self-made concoction is currently in slow cooking mode.  I finally made use of the two cans of Whole Foods organic black beans which have been sitting in my cupboard for over a year.  No canned anything for me from this day forward... it's all about fresh, fresh, fresh from here on out!

Here's what's currently brewing:

2 cans organic black beans
1 onion & 4 leeks (pre-sautee'd)
3 stalks of diced celery
3 carrots (pre-steamed)
Annie's Organic Smokey Maple BBQ Sauce
Oregano, Basil, Rosemary, Garlic, chilli pepper powder
1/2 pack of Yves Ground Round (vegan ground beef substitute)

This could end up being really good or perhaps not so much.  I hope it's at least palatable.  Will find out at 7:00 when it should be finished.

I plan on serving this over Quinoa.  How's that for healthy, bitches??

Destiny's Child

It's been a week since I broke my fast.  Yesterday is the first day that I've introduced carbs into my diet by eating pasta and bread.  I had no intention of doing this anytime soon but my neighbor invited me to a late lunch.  My stomach is still quite small so I didn't eat as much as I would've two months ago.  I also had a glass of white wine which left me with a headache for the remainder of the day.  It was so bad, in fact, that I broke down and took an Ipuprofen before bed.

While I am really trying to stay away from all of the above, it's unrealistic that I will cut all these things out of my diet permanently.  There is no holistic remedy (that I'm aware of) for headaches and the one I had last night was pretty debilitating.

Turn and Face the Strain

Today is day 4 since I broke my fast.  Each day, I've gradually eaten more.  There were a couple of days that I didn't juice--today included--but I've eaten an abundance of veggies and fruits.  No grains just yet.

My new BFF is my Black and Decker Handy Steamer.  It's the easiest thing to operate.  It's easier than juicing, that's for sure!  You fill up the base with water, throw chopped veggies in the top, turn a dial and voila! There's a little mesh compartment where you can add spices for flavor.  This thing is truly easy and the result is truly delicious.  Top the steamed veggies with vegan spread (Earth Balance) and nutritional yeast which is my other BFF.  You can put it on anything! 

Breakfast for Dummies - Day 1

My imac is asleep most of the time when not in use but every so often it  turns on in the middle of the night.  This happened last night at around 3:30.  For whatever reason, it didn't go back to sleep so I had to get up and shut it down.  Unfortunately, by that time I was awake and couldn't fall back asleep.  I lay awake and thought about breaking the fast and worried because I have read many conflicting things in terms of what should be eaten on the first day. 

Some people claim that raw is the only way to go during the first week.  Others are eating eggs and rice on day 1.  While I have no intention of eating eggs or rice during the first week, I'm uncertain as to what veggies are acceptable to eat in the first day.  Some veggies are harder to digest than others.

Juice Fast Day 30 - the finish line

I made it!  Fasted for 30 days and haven't died.  Overall, I feel pretty good.  Today I had a headache and felt off.  But then I did that thing that I do to aid in the detox--- you know the one that involves caffeine, a bag, my ass and a tube?  As soon as I did that, my headache was gone!  I neglected the CE for two days this week and both times I felt those detox symptoms rearing their ugly heads again (headache and an overall "blah" feeling).  This just confirms that to effectively do a detox fast of any sort, you must regularly do the CE to flush the toxins out; otherwise, those bitches'll make you crazy!!

Tomorrow is fruit only day for me...oh and juice.  Not giving up the juicing.  Going to break my fast with a piece of fruit--probably a golden apple and then have a fruit smoothie in the afternoon and probably another piece of fruit later in the day....  everything I've read states that you must be extremely careful when breaking the fast.  My digestive system is asleep so I need to wake it up ever so gently or it might get really pissed at me and then I'll really be miserable. 

Juice Fast Day 29 - My Body, the Hand Grenade

While America's ignorant homophobic population currently clogs their arteries by scarfing Chick-Fil-A sandwiches and nuggets, my wholesome body purrs gently in approval as I sip my spinach, carrot, celery, red onion and garlic, cherry tomato juice. 

What has always baffled me about these right wing self-righteous bible-thumpers is the fact that they pick and choose which verses in the bible they're going to enforce while ignoring any of the ones that just may incriminate them as being hellbound.

For example, there's that whole Body=Temple of God thing??

Day 25 - Personal Jesus

Another food-free day in paradise.   My bouts of hunger are somewhat under control although I do still crave something solid.  This morning my neighbor invited me out for dinner and a drink.  I had to remind her that i was fasting.

As I mentioned, the juice-making process is a bitch.  I listen to music as I juice and average at least a whole album during the prep to cleanup process.

One of my favorite albums to listen to these days is the Nina Hagen gospel album.  It is truly brilliant.  The recurring theme of the album is Jesus.   It includes everything from a cover of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus to old school gospel songs.  It's a total reinvention of the Nina I fell in love with back in the 80's.  The mere fact that I'm singing to gospel would make my mom proud.

Day 24 Juice Fast - Light at the end of the tunnel

One week from today I will be breaking my fast.  I've read up on breaking a juice fast and all seem to concur that you need to ease the digestive system back into it by consuming only raw fruits and veggies for the first few days.  Juicing should remain a dominant part of the diet.

Day 23 Juice Fast - A dream within a dream...

I'm tired of juicing.  It really is a lot of work.  You gotta scrub veggies/fruits with veggie cleaner if they're not organic.  If they are organic, you still need to soak them--you just don't need to scrub as vigorously.  Then you gotta cut them up so they fit in the chute.  Sometimes I use up to 8 different veggies/fruits in a juice.

While I love my new juicer, the Omega 350 HD, juicing is time consuming because you need to alternate between whatever you're juicing to ensure that it doesn't get clogged.  It's an auger juicer so it's very slow.  Greens and anything with a texture is susceptible to clogging the juicer.  I try to put greens in everything so there's always a risk of clogging. When it clogs, it's a bitch to clean. It also ejects more pulp than most juicers so I have to attach a sieve in between the spout and the juice container.  The sieve gets a film of pulp that resembles swamp scum and it needs to be cleaned out repeatedly. I have gotten better at using this juicer. It rarely clogs now whereas when I first got it, it clogged all the time.  Sometimes it takes up to an hour to make one juice.

Juice Fast Day 21

Props to me for making it this far.  Three weeks on nothing but juice, decaf herbal tea, coconut water, water and almond milk.  For someone who started her day with coffee and ended it with either a glass of red wine or a beer, that's quite an accomplishment.

The year I left LA, I had a weird discoloration that appeared in my upper abdomen just under my breasts.  It was very pronounced. When I moved to FL to care for my mom, I went to her doctor who looked at it and said I should go to a dermatologist.  I've lived with it for 5 years always believing that it was probably from my LA days of tanning beds.

This morning I noticed it was gone.  Well... mostly gone.  At first glance it looks gone but taking a closer look there is still a faint discoloration.

Day 20 - not quite sure where Day 19 went...

Seems like I woke up yesterday and, in a flash, the day was over...

Shopped, juiced, stuck some coffee up my ass, dry brushed, showered, looked for work on Craig's List, watched Luther which is my new Netflix addiction, drank a lot of tea, shopped for a japanese style vegetable knife online and then went to sleep. 


Last night I dreamt I ate pizza.

No spiritual epiphanies and nothing too exciting.  I think I'm depressed and bored with my life.  Oh, and I'm hungry. 

I'm also disgusted by the whole scenario with my sister and my graphic designer friend.  Even though I paid her bill, he is clearly mad at me as he didn't bother reaching out to me for my birthday and hasn't returned any of my emails.

I finally decided to confront him as I'm not one to play games.  If there's a problem, out with it already.  My email to him basically asked if he was upset with me and I wanted to know why.  I did everything I possibly could to make the situation right with him which included paying the bill.  I then went on and told him what a shame it would be if the situation with my sister impacted our friendship because he was a dear friend to me.  That was sent Tuesday night.  No response.

So, this ended up costing me $100 that I didn't really have, my relationship with my friend who is also a valuable work reference and, of course, I've cut my sister out of my life as a result of this debacle.  All of this for a simple referral.  Let that be a valuable lesson.

People never cease to amaze me. 

Day 18 Juice Fast - Goodbye 44

This morning my neighbor came by with a beautiful rose plant, an inflated helium giant dragonfly and 2 birthday cards.  Then my friend Eugene sent me a $25 Amazon card.  If nothing else happens today, that is enough to make this birthday not so painful.  Just a reminder that there are still some people who care that it's my birthday.

Day 17 - I touch roses

Last night I thought I was gonna die again.  I felt big time rushes where I thought I was going to pass out.  I got scared because I thought I just might pass out and had to fight it with everything I had which wasn't easy.  I felt high and paranoid... and incredibly alone.

The sensation reminded me of the days when I would snort poppers.  My goth friends and I would dress in black and go clubbing every night.  One of our favorite spots was this new wave bar called The Masquerade.  We would get stoned in the parking lot, drink excessively and go on the dance floor and snort poppers or "rush" as we called it.  I believe that it was the poppers that gave me the seizure disorder.  I did so much of it that there was a crust around my nostrils.

I remember once my (former) BFF and I were in the car getting stoned and my sister showed up with a boyfriend.  BFF said, "Am I stoned or is that your sister??"  I couldn't believe it.  Once I had told her about The Masquerade and she knew I spent my weekends there but I never thought she would actually crash my party.  Bitch.

Juice Fast Day 16

Today I've been up and down and all around (cue Madonna)... I woke up feeling really out of it.  I slept like a rock but this morning, when I got up I had gook all over my eyes.  That never happens.

My uncle (the nice one) called this morning to give me a pep talk and to tell me not to be discouraged by my family of douchebags.  He reminded me that my family died when my mom did and the rest of them including my siblings and the shallow Aunt in Belgium are toxic and negative and don't need my attention.  He's right.

The Black Sheep

After a funeral someone said to me -
You know I only see you at funerals
it's been 3 since June -
been 5 since June for me -
He said I've made a vow -
I only go to death parties if I know someone before
they were sick -
Why?
cause - cause - cause I feel I feel so
sad cause I never knew their life -
and now I only know their death
And because we are members of the
Black Sheep family -

We are sheep with no shepherd -
We are sheep with no straight and narrow
We are sheep with no meadow
We are sheep who take the dangerous
pathway thru the mountain range
to get to the other side of our soul.
We are the black sheep of the family
called Black Sheep folk.
We always speak our mind.
appreciate differences in culture
believe in sexual preferences
believe in no racism no sexism no religionism
and we'll fight for what we believe
but usually we're pagans,
There's always one in every family
Even when we're surrounded by bodies
we're always alone -
You're born alone
and you die alone
written by a black sheep.
You can't take it with you -
written by a former black sheep.
Black Sheep folk look different from their family -
The way they look at the world
We're a quirk of nature -
We're a quirk of fate -
Usually our family, our city, our country
never understands us -
We knew this from when we were very young
that we were not meant to be understood.
That's right. That's our job.
Usually we're not appreciated
until the next generation.
That's our life. That's our story.
Usually we're outcasts, outsiders
in our own family.
Don't worry - get used to it.
My sister says I don't understand you !
But I have hundreds of sisters with me tonight.
My brother says I don't want you !
But I have hundreds of brothers with me here tonight !
My mother says I don't know how to love someone like you !
You're so different from the rest !
But I have hundreds of mamas with me here tonight !
My father says I don't know how to hold you !
But I have hundreds of daddies with me here tonight !

We're related to people we love who can't say -
I love you Black Sheep daughter
I love you Black Sheep son -
I love you outcast, I love you outsider
But tonight we love each other -
That's why we're here -
to be around others like ourselves -
So it doesn't hurt quite so much -
In our world, our temple of difference -
I am at my loneliest when I have
something to celebrate and try
to share it with those I love but
who don't love me back.
There's always silence at the end
of the phone -
There's always silence at the end
of the phone -

Sister - Congratulate me !
NO I CAN'T YOU'RE TOO LOUD -
GRANDMA LOVE ME
NO I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE
SOMEONE LIKE YOU
Sometimes the Black Sheep is a soothsayer,
a psychic, a magician of sorts -
Black Sheep see the invisible
We know each others thoughts
We feel fear and hatred

Sometimes, some sheep are chosen to be sick
to finally have average, flat, boring
people say I love you.
Sometimes, Black Sheep are chosen to be sick
so families can finally come together
and say I love you.
Sometimes, some Black Sheep are chosen to die
so loved ones, families, countries
and cultures
can finally say
Your life was worth living !
Your life meant something to me !
I loved you all along !

Black Sheep's destinies are not in
necessarily having families,
having prescribed existences -
like the American Dream.
Black Sheep destinies are to give
meaning in life - to be angels,
to be conscience, to be nightmares
to be actors in dreams.

Black Sheep can be family to strangers
We can love each other like MOTHER
FATHER SISTER BROTHER CHILD
We understand universal love
We understand unconditional love.
We feel a unique responsibility
a human responsibility for feelings for others
We can be all things to all people -
We are there at 3.30AM when you call
We are here tonight cause I just can't
go to sleep. I have nowhere else to go -
I'm a creature of the night -
I travel in your dreams
I feel your nightmares
We are your holding hand -
We are your pillow, your receiver,
your cuddly toy.
I feel your pain.
I wish I could relieve you of your suffering.
I wish I could relieve you of your pain.
I wish I could relieve you of your death.
Silence at the end of the phone.
Silence at the end of the phone.
Silence at the end of the phone.

 - Karen Finley

Day 15 (cont'd) - Shadows of ourselves

My mom's father was Hungarian, her mother was Ecuadorian.  Her parents had 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls of which my mom was one.  I remember my grandfather but not my "grandmother"... I met her once when I was a kid.  From what I've heard, she was a cruel woman and a terrible mother.  She never called my mom or sent her a letter unless it was to ask for money.

After my grandfather split with my grandmother,  he married a German woman.  They had a girl, my aunt D.  My grandfather was very wealthy and very strict.  My mom told me that she never felt loved by either of her parents.  That breaks my heart but I can relate.  I felt love from my mom but not from anyone else in my family.  The notion of "family" is foreign to me.  I only know what I see on TV and in movies.  The fairy tale depiction of family is something I've yearned for but never experienced.  I think this was missing in my mom's life too.

When she was 17, she ran away from home to marry my father. The two then moved in with my dad's family and eventually left Ecuador for the US to pursue the "American Dream".  First they lived in New York, then Miami which is where all three of their children were born.  She was pregnant years before my brother but she lost the child.

My parents split when I was 10 and my mom's dream of having her own "Leave it to Beaver" family was shattered.  As a result, she lived a life of loneliness, depression and suffering---never quite living in the moment but either looking back or forward to the day that she would be with Jesus.  I often wonder how different my life would be if my mom had turned to her Jewish roots instead of converting to Christianity.  Christianity has scarred me which is why I have such an aversion to it.

My mom was so blinded by her desire to start a family that she didn't really consider who she was marrying.  Had she taken a good hard objective look at my dad, she'd have seen just what she was getting.

My mom was cultured, well-educated and my dad was a thug.  In short, she was too good for him.  My grandfather was very vocal about his disapproval of my father and shortly after this, someone in the gang that my father hung out with shattered a bottle over his head.

My father was a drunk.  He used to beat my mother,  call her a Jew and spit on her.  Once my mom told me he raped her.  He used to hit me too and once, when he was drunk, he chased me with a hatchet and I had to lock myself in a room and climb out the window.

I hate my father.  I always have.  I cannot even begin to explain how much I resent him for all the things he's done.  Maybe if he'd been a better husband and father, my siblings wouldn't have turned out to be so apathetic.

When he died, I was devastated not for the loss of my father but for the realization that I would never have the relationship with my dad that I had always hoped for.

When I was around 19, I met my (former) BFF and his family.  I managed a record store and my BFF worked there.  We ended up hanging out all the time and he introduced me to his family.  He had 7 siblings.  His parents were very sweet, especially his dad who was more like a father to me than my own.  Their last name was "White" and I used to call their home "The White House".

It really bothered my mom that I spent so much time there but I told her once that I hung out there because they were more like a family to me than my own family and it has been that way for most of my adult life. 

I regret saying that to my mom because it hurt her.  I was the last of her children still living at home and I preferred a stranger's family to ours. So she made Jesus and the church her family.  And that put a wedge between my mother and I that stayed there for the rest of her life.

Of my mom's 4 siblings, she was closest to her younger brother, my uncle who is really the only "family" that I have left.  He still calls me and emails me regularly.  Since his son lives in the Bay area, he comes here to visit sometimes and I always see him.  He's been struggling a lot lately.  All his money was tied up in a plant in Mexico for many years and he finally sold the plant.

My uncle made millions in his lifetime but he lost much of it.  He did take care of my mom and would send her money when she got sick.  He would also fly her out to see him, help her with travel to come out to see me.  Once he flew both of us out to NYC for my cousin's wedding.  I sort of can't stand my cousins on that side of the family.  They're all a bunch of snobs but I went to NYC just the same because I wanted to see my mom (I had flown from LA whereas she had flown from FL).

My mom's older brother is a nasty old fart.  In fact, my brother who really loathes this uncle has turned out just like him. It's uncanny how their personalities are complete identical.  Both are arrogant, judgmental, condescending and insensitive.  My brother is completely incapable of doing any self-reflection or he'd see this.  My sister sees it too...but she ain't no princess either.

My mom's full-blooded little sister was like a character out of a Pedro Almodovar film.  She was boisterous, loved her men and loved her booze.  My aunt was the polar opposite of my mom.  She came to visit one Christmas when I was 12, got very drunk and started dancing around in her bra and panties to "Miss You" by the Rolling Stones.  She was married once to a wealthy Dutch business man.  They had two children and divorced years later. 

My aunt died of liver cancer in 1997.  My nice uncle and this aunt hadn't spoken in years.  She invested in his business which went under and she lost a lot of money.  My aunt had moved to Southern California to be near her daughter which is when she was diagnosed with liver cancer.  My nice uncle paid for my mom to go out there for a couple of weeks to care for her sister.

Coincidentally, I was in California at the time even though I lived in New York.  This is when I was working the gay pride events for my brother.  His partner and I had worked the West Hollywood event that weekend so afterwards he took me to Orange County to visit my mom and Aunt at hospice.  I was utterly horrified at what I saw.

My aunt was a shadow of her former self.  She was emaciated and so loaded up on morphine that she just looked at me with glazed eyes.  I hugged her very fragile body.  My mom was so excited that I was there, she took out her camera and wanted me to pose with my aunt.  I told her not to but she took pictures anyway.

My mom was obsessed with her cameras and took pictures all the time.  She wasn't much of a photographer but she was very passionate about documenting her travels and moments with family on film.  I have all her pictures now.  It hurts to look at them.

When my brother's partner and I left my aunt's room, we got in the elevator and both started to cry.  Then we held each other.  I was never a fan of my brother's partner and that's probably the closest I've ever felt to  him. It was truly heartbreaking.  I want to remember my aunt as wild and wonderful and not clinging to the morphine drip on her deathbed.

When my mom was dying, she kept talking to her sister as if she was in the room.

And then there's my mom's half-sister, Aunt D.  She's the only one who remained in Europe.  She was born in Ecuador but my grandfather eventually moved to Holland which is where they all lived for a while.  I remember seeing Aunt D as a child when I went to Holland.  Around the time I graduated from NYU, she was in New York so I got to hang out with her, her husband--17 years her junior and an arrogant douchebag who I'm convinced married her for her money.  Did I mention how wealthy she is?

When my grandfather died, he didn't have a will so my mom's stepmother inherited all of it.  My mom nor her full-blooded siblings never saw a penny.  It went to Aunt D and my cousins. My aunt ended up investing in a chain of fur stores in Belgium and became an even wealthier woman.  She's traveled the world, had loads of plastic surgery and is a vein, arrogant, insecure woman.  Another one that's the complete opposite of my mom.  At least my other Aunt wasn't a snob.  Aunt D is such a snob it's disgusting.

That side of the family frowned on my mom because she was broke.  That time in New York, my aunt gave my mom a few hundred bucks (a drop in the bucket for her) and went back to Belgium.  My mom took pictures documenting our time together.  She sent some to my aunt along with a card.  My aunt never responded.  She also would send holiday cards to that side of the family but they never responded.  She knew that my mom had cancer yet 13 years went by before I heard from her.

When my mom was in hospice, my aunt called my cell.  I had no idea who she was.  "Who is this?" I asked.  The connection was bad.  "This is your aunt D".  It took a minute.  Then I remembered, oh yeah I have another Aunt.  I had forgotten about her because she wasn't much of a sister to my mom so why now?  She wanted to know how her sister was.  "Dying," I told her. "She's dying."

I put my mom on the phone who was delirious and made no sense.  My aunt sounded seriously disturbed when I got back on the line with her.  She started asking about my life and I told her that I had been taking care of my mom for the last year and a half.  She asked if I wanted to come to Belgium after my mom died.  I said yes.  She said she'd get me a ticket.

My mom had moments of lucidity mixed with her delirium.  I told my mom that her sister had called and offered to send me to Europe. "Should I go?" I asked my mom.  "Maybe," she said.  Not very encouraging.

I went to Belgium for a month after my mom died and it was probably the loneliest time of my life.  Not only was I surrounded by a bunch of snobs I had nothing in common with, I was completely cut off from my friends in the states because I barely had internet.  I got a bus pass and went to Antwerp often.  I drank a lot by myself.  There were a couple of places that had internet so I'd go online briefly but it was expensive.

My aunt, cousins, her arrogant husband all spoke in Dutch more than half the time I was there.  Then my aunt would remind them that I didn't understand Dutch.  A friend of mine in Berlin invited me to go visit him.  He even offered to buy the train ticket from Brussels but I didn't want to offend my aunt.  I so wish I'd have gone to see my friend.

My aunt had this huge New Years party and she wanted me to dress up for it.  She offered to buy me a dress because she didn't like any of my clothes.  We went shopping downtown and she made me try on all kinds of dresses---none that I liked.  She was very controlling and downright rude.  In the end, she spent a few hundred Euros on a dress I wore once and that still sits in my closet.

She also decided to tell me that my mom lost her first child because my father beat it out of her.  That was something I never knew and something I really didn't want or need to know.

While I was there, she kept praising my cousin-- the nice uncle's daughter who I really can't stand.  She went to NYU around the time I did and she never made any effort to hang out with me.  I went to the art school.  She went to the business school.  I ended up living a life of poverty while my cousin went on to become an investment banker and has made millions.  Like so many others on that side of the family, she looks down on our little branch.  She travels the world.  Even though my aunt hates my nice uncle, she loves his daughter.  If I had the kind of money my cousin has, I bet my aunt would love me too.

When I left, she gave me 300 Euros which isn't a whole lot in American dollars.  I guess she felt that by flying me out there, she had fulfilled her obligation to my dead mother thus appeasing any guilt she felt for ignoring her for 13 years.   

Before I went to Belgium, my aunt and my cousins from that side of the family all requested to be my "friend" on Facebook.  One of my cousins is actually okay. She's free-spirited, rebellious and has dred locks which really annoy the hell out of my aunt.  While they've remained my "friends" on facebook, none of them ever reach out to me except the rebellious one.

Today is Belgian National Day.  I decided to post on my aunt's facebook wall to wish her a happy holiday and I noticed she has defriended me.  Not quite sure why but it did hurt my feelings.  It has to be pretty recent because I recall not too long ago seeing pictures in my feed of her and my cousin-- the investment banker snob.  Apparently, they're BFFs.  Ironic how she is no longer speaking to her father.

The only thing I can think of that might have offended her was the picture I shared relatively resently.  It said "Family is not about blood. It's about who is willing to hold your hand when you need it the most".

Well, it's true.  My mom needed her hand held by her family and the only one there was her younger brother while the rest of the snobs didn't care.  My older uncle was a banker in NYC for many years and is also very wealthy.  Those people are all about money and wealth.

My cousins on my dad's side of the family have tracked me down on facebook and they seem very nice and warm---the complete opposite of my mom's family.  That's the latin culture.  Unfortunately, my Spanish is terrible so I have to use the online translator. One of my cousins lives in Brooklyn.  I want to go to NYC and meet him.  The rest are still in Ecuador.

When I went to Belgium, it was my mission to try every Belgian beer I possibly could and I came pretty close.  I also indulged in an authentic Belgian waffle.  It was really impossible to not think of this golden oldie as I munched away on a Belgian waffle...

Day 15 of Juice Fast - When life gives you lemons, juice them!

It happened again last night... total weirdness in my body.  The last couple of days, I've felt great in the morning and afternoon but when evening comes around, I start to feel lightheaded.  I get a tingling sensation in my joints and my legs feel rubbery.  Usually feelings of anxiety and paranoia kick in. 

Idioms I hate

Kill Two Birds with One Stone - What kind of sadistic fuck came up with this?  Some serial killer in the making?  I can't believe people say this.  It's not only offensive to animals but it assumes that people in general are cruel.

There's More Than One Way to Skin a Cat - This must have been coined by the same douchbag who came up with Killing Two Birds with One Stone.  Anybody who skins a cat deserves to have the shit kicked out of them, thrown in prison and raped repeatedly by a prison guard named Bubba.  Fucker.

Penny for Your Thoughts - I would expect this from my former boss but that's because he's a cheap fuck.  My thoughts are worth way more than a fucking penny, bitch.  Not only does this phrase assume that there is no value in my thoughts but it's stupid.

Throwing Out the Baby with the Bathwater - I dated someone once who used this idiom and it was enough for me to break up with them.  Who in their right mind would think about throwing out a baby?  Sure, it means not to throw out something of value with something of no value but couldn't they have come up with something a little less...creepy?

Smooth Move, Ex-lax - Okay, any idiom referencing defecation is just wrong.  

Curiosity Killed the Cat - Cat lover here.  I have a very curious cat and it hasn't killed her yet so stop jinxing her.  Besides if it did, she has nine lives (an idiom I approve).

The Early Bird Gets the Worm - This bird must've dodged one of the stones being thrown at it and decided to take out his aggression on a poor, defenseless worm.   Birds eat worms but do we really have to celebrate that fact with an idiom?

Take the Bull by the Horns - Bullfighting is demented.  What kind of a barbaric idiot provokes a bull's animal instinct and then plunges a sword through it?  One that deserves to get his balls crushed by the bulls' horns.

A Live Dog is Better Than a Dead Lion - First of all, what do a dog and lion have in common aside from the fact that they're mammals?  Leo here and I'd just like to know how you intend on killing me?  Bring it on, prick!


In Christ - this one is more of a salutation than an idiom but it's worth mentioning as I see it more and more.  Arrogant Christians: the world doesn't revolve around your religion so have respect for the Jews, Buddhists and countless other religions that don't subscribe to your ideology. 

Best - another salutation.  Best what?  If you're too lazy to add "regards" or "wishes" or to elaborate more in your closing, you're boring.  I prefer "later, bitches!" over "best".  Whenever I've dealt with someone who ends an email or letter with "best", the outcome has never been good. 

Day 14 part deux - Magic Vineyards

Day 14 - Towards the Within

Another hellacious evening last night...probably the worse I've had yet.  I was in a deep brain fog and really thought I was going to have a seizure.  I'm still taking my meds but these withdrawal symptoms can be brutal.  I had a crazy headache, felt incredibly fatigued and somewhat nauseous. I was sweating and shaking and, again, felt that I just might die.  So I over-filled Magic's bowl, took a melatonin and crashed totally accepting the fact that I may never wake up.  I slept like the dead and when I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I couldn't feel my legs.  In fact, I don't remember much after that... like how I got back to bed. 

I made a deal with myself last night.  If I woke up feeling the same way, I was going to break my fast tomorrow.  Fortunately, I woke up feeling much better.  No headache.  I even chatted it up with my neighbor while drinking my morning (decaf) herbal tea.  Having tea first thing in the morning is more psychological than anything.   It doesn't have any stimulant effect but holding that coffee mug in my hand is comforting.

I've had moments where I feel energy in the crown of my head.  Apparently, kundalini awakenings are sometimes associated with juice fasts and raw food diets because it makes you more susceptible to energies and vibration.  One girl online claimed to see orbs of light while she was fasting.  What I want more than anything is clarity of mind and a sense of peace and faith.  Over the years I've become so mired in the muck of life.  Although seeing orbs might be pretty cool too.

Your body spends at least 50% (another source cited 70%) of its resources digesting the solids you put into it.  So when you drink juice only, your body is getting the nutrients it needs while giving your digestive system a much-needed rest so your body can now work on healing all the ailments lingering in your body and clearing out all the toxins that have accumulated over the years.

I got concerned when my legs started feeling weak the other day so I did some research about protein.  Supposedly there's enough protein in green juice to sustain one on a juice fast.  Just in case, though, I decided to take Spirulina as an extra source of protein.  I also got hemp powder for when I break the fast and consume smoothies.

Once I do decide to break the fast, it's not like I can pop the cork on a bottle of wine and indulge in a feast the same day.  I have to gradually transition my body back to whole foods which starts with a couple of pieces of fruit a day, then I graduate to steamed veggies and salad.... after about a week, I can eat regular foods. I've collected a ton of pulp so I will make all kinds of dishes from that... soup and broth and casseroles. 

Today I am going to attempt to venture out into the neighborhood on a walk.  I haven't done my hill walk in a couple of weeks since it's a bit of a challenge.  My biggest fear is venturing too far from home and getting that weak feeling in my legs or getting a debilitating headache.  Will start with a walk in my neighborhood.  For the most part, it's on flat ground.  The thing I don't like about the neighborhood walk is that there is no vantage point. The hill is awesome because once I'm on the top, I can sit and watch the valley beneath me.  It's picturesque and peaceful.  Maybe tomorrow....

Day 13 - The Dream Police they live inside of my head...

Kudos to me for making it this far!  I felt pretty good last night when I went to sleep.  I did take a melatonin, though, as I found that I had a lot of energy.  Then I entered a truly bizarre evening of dreams.

First, my sister and I were held at gunpoint by a mother/daughter team of vandals.  They wanted to know where the Napa River was as they had a boat to catch.  I told them it was straight ahead and on the right but that wasn't good enough so I sarcastically asked them if they wanted me to walk them there to which they stuck a gun in my face.  They lured my sister and I back to a modified version of my apartment and told me to cook a gourmet meal for them and bring it to the river where they'd be waiting for their boat.  If we didn't, they'd come back and kill us.  I told my sister to help me cook but she said she didn't care and she was going to sleep.  I asked her if she wanted to die and she insisted that they would never come back to kill us as they didn't have time since they were waiting for their boat.  That made sense but I started to cook anyway.  I was hungry.  After all I hadn't eaten in 13 days.  So I started cooking pasta but as hard as I tried, the water always evaporated and I was left with hard pasta.  I walked into the living area and saw the two women with guns outside my window.  I ducked down and told my sister they were here.  That's when I woke up.  There was a musical score in my head too that reminded me of the Halloween score.

Day 12 again - Looking at a different picture through this new frame of mind

I'm living a transformation zone and it's utterly bizarre.  So, I felt like I was going to pass out again earlier today and started experiencing the same symptoms as last night.  It was scary and I even considered going to the emergency room in spite of the fact that I have no health insurance.

Then about a half hour later, I felt fine.  I made lunch (a green juice with green chard, spinach, collards, turnip and mustard greens and 2 apples) and suddenly, I felt energy soaring through me and thought my head might pop off my body like a champagne cork.  Next thing I know I'm in the shower dancing and experiencing a shower like never before (except that one time when I showered on ecstasy.... now that was cool!).

I read the most reassuring article on the ups and downs of juice fasting which really put my mind at ease.  Everything I'm experiencing is completely normal.  That also explains why I've been somewhat nostalgic about the 80's and feeling somewhat sad about friendships that have dissolved over the years.

Day 12 - The trick is to keep breathing

Last night sucked.  I was doing quite well and then suddenly I felt congested.  It was a challenge to breathe.  That was accompanied with anxiety which lead to paranoia.  When I got up to go the kitchen, my legs felt weak and the back of my right thigh hurt.  I felt very strange and very scared.  I was wide awake so I took a melatonin.

I thought that perhaps I was dying or having a heart attack. Maybe I had something that was undiagnosed and the fast was endangering my health.  Or perhaps my body was depleted of something that it needed and if it didn't have it, I would die.... I was freezing and shaking and felt like I was coming off of something.

I frantically googled looking for something---anything to put my mind at ease but nothing came and I just got more and more frightened.  Then I thought about dying and how nobody would even know for a few days.  If I didn't come out, my neighbors would know and they have keys but what about Magic?  I over-filled her bowl.  But my place is a mess maybe I should vacuum as my neighbor is like Joan Crawford when she sees anything untidy.  But it's after midnight and the vacuum is loud.  And maybe dying wouldn't be so bad?  I wouldn't have to worry about finding another job or my student loans or turning 45.  I'd get to see my mom again... and Adam...and my wild and crazy Aunt Kladdy and Matt Moore, my BFF in high school who committed suicide.  Yeah, and I guess Dad would even be there, too.

Or this could also be the accumulation of drugs stored in my fat cells that are coming out of my system.  Wonderful.  I'm having a flashback.
Or maybe I am dying?
No, this is definitely some kind of drug flashback.
But I have pain in my chest.
It's gas.
No, it's a heart attack.
But, I can't breathe.
The congestion could be from all those years of smoking.
Or I'm just sick and dying.
You're anxious.

Finally we agreed on something.  Yes, I was anxious.

I finally fell asleep.  Today, I feel better but I'm still feeling off.   As the day progresses, my chest is feeling congested again and I'm coughing up gunk.  I need to go to the store but I'm afraid to drive.  The produce market down the road is close enough..  That was my plan-- go to the market, get some more veggies and drive back.  Then my cutting board broke in half.   Wonderful.  Now I have to drive further because the produce market doesn't sell cutting boards.

I stay out of my town because I'm afraid to run into any of the local derelicts from the place that shall not be named.  It's a small town and there are only a handful of markets.  I often run into the few people I know at the market.  So I go to the neighboring town which is about 10 to 15 minutes away.  Plus they have Trader Joe's which is my favorite market.  They have a great selection and are not overpriced like Whole Foods.

So, if I don't check in ever again, that means I'm dead.  It's been real.

Day 11 - Time the Avenger

So, it's been 11 days since I ate solid food. The last meal I had was Dreamfields low carb pasta with my special artichoke pesto recipe accompanied by a Boddington's ale.  Seems like so long ago...

This is what I had for lunch today:

Not quite the same.  It's all about the journey, friends.

A week from today I will be 45.  This year has flown by.  A friend of mine once told me "life is like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes".  So true.

Day 10 - Shit my Body Says

This morning I woke up feeling bad... like I did during the first few days of the fast.  I had a throbbing headache, my left shoulder hurt and I felt fatigued and sort of depressed.

Last night my gums were incredibly swollen and bleeding.  I use these drops called IPSAB Concentrate which is an herbal gum treatment plus I've been brushing my teeth with soap.  The swelling of my gums is on the inside cusp of my front teeth almost on the roof of my mouth.  Apparently, this is also a side effect as I did a lot of research and found someone in one of the forums who had this problem.  Supposedly, toxins come out through your ass, skin pours and mouth.  She said it subsided by week 2.  My gums were fine this morning.

I've decided to focus on green juice today and forego the orgasmic fruities like Canteloupe/Cherry/Blueberry I indulged in over the weekend.  Green juice will supposedly enable me to complete the detox phase sooner.  So far, I've had two juices today.

Breakfast was my own conction:

• Lots of Kale and Swiss Chard
• A green apple
• A fennel bulb
• 2 celery stalks

Lunch was The Hulk and I got it from the Omega Juicers site.  I skipped the cilantro as I didn't have any.

The Hulk:

• 2 Stalks Celery
• 1 Cucumber
• 1 Apple
• 1/2 Lemon
• Ginger
• 1/2 Green Chard Leaf
• Cilantro
• 3-5 Kale Leaves
• 1 Cup Spinach

I woke up dragging my heels this morning but both times I've had my green juice, my energy has soared through the roof.  This is way more stimulating than coffee ever was. That said, I do enjoy my coffee every morning.  

I'm a bit of a coffee snob.  I don't do that Folgers/Maxwell house crap.  For my coffee enema later this week, I need to go out and buy organic coffee.  Apparently, my rectum is a coffee snob too.

While the thought of shoving a tube up my ass to release toxins from my liver doesn't really make me happy, the thought of feeling better does.  This detox shit is "for the birds" (as my dear, sweet mom would say).

Aside from bleeding gums, my face broke out yesterday and I had pains near my chest.  I have had consistent neck and back pain for the last 3 days.  Of course, there's that weird discoloration on my forehead which, at least, looks like it is starting to fade.  When I think about all the toxins I've put in my body, legal or otherwise, I fear that it will take years for me to get it all out.

Alcohol (you name it, I've drunk it), Poppers, Whip its, mescaline, acid, mushrooms, ecstasy, pot, cocaine, special K, crystal meth, heroin, crack.  In my own defense, I thought the crystal and heroin were coke.  I vowed to never smoke crack, until this guy I had a crush on asked me to go in his car.  I had no idea it was to suck a crack pipe. Cigarettes (both nicotine and cloves in the 80's cuz they were way cool back then until I smoked one after drinking a bottle of tequila and threw up all over myself.  Never touched a clove after that)

Pharmaceuticals.
For my seizure disorder: dilantin, topamax, keppra, lamotrogine, For anxiety: Valium, Klonopin, Xanax, Ativan.  For pain:  vicodin, tylenol 3 with codeine, percocet, darvocet. For depression: Lexapro, Celexa and Paxil.  Never did last on those depression drugs because they made me fat and I was just too vein for that.  Rather be thin and depressed as opposed to fat and not-depressed---I say "not depressed" because anti-depressants do not make you happy.  They make you not give a shit and I don't necessarily think that's healthy... but that's me. It also made it very difficult to audition or act because I was so detached from my feelings. 

I went through a phase where I would go to a tanning salon.  This is what LA does to you... you end up doing shit you never, ever thought you'd do.  I'm sure that was not good for me either.  I gave it up when I started to look orange.  A friend asked if I was auditioning for the role of a carrot.  I knew right then that it was over.
 
And, of course, there's the over the counter medications I've taken for pain, allergies, sleep, colds and various other ailments.  Let's not leave out all the smog and metals I've been exposed to over the years.  Even in my beautiful wine country abode, I am surrounded by toxins.  The vineyards are sprayed by pesticides constantly and the guys who do it wear hazmat suits so clearly, it ain't safe.  These vineyards are on 3 sides of me (the 4th side is attached to the main house).

So, you see.  10 days is not a realistic duration of time for me to get all this shit out of my system.  Everything I've read states that the longer you can fast, the more beneficial it is.  Given my current situation of not working, I can do this now.  If I were working, I couldn't.  I am still looking for work regularly but nothing has stuck.  Very bummed out about the performing arts center which I interviewed for a couple of weeks ago.  But I guess it happens for a reason.  I just can't see it yet. Perhaps it's so that I can complete this fast and purge my body and soul. 

Juice Fast Day 9 - Breaking Bad Habits

This morning I visited a produce market not too far from me. 

I found out about it at the place that has the Chupacabra sighting tours.  The guy who works there told me there was a "fruit stand" and gave the general vicinity which, coincidentally, was in my neighborhood.  When he said "Fruit Stand", I imagined some guy standing on the corner in a booth with some bags of oranges, lemons, apples, strawberries for sale.  I never imagined I would be walking into a smorgasbord of produce.  I asked my neighbor about it yesterday and she told me where it was---literally two minutes away.  This morning I went there and...

I'm in love.

Day 8 - continued

So today I pretty much did nothing until mid-afternoon when I suddenly got the urge and a surge of energy to lend a helping hand to my neighbors who were stacking firewood.  They have piles and piles of the stuff and they wanted to store it against the barn.  It was nice to get some air and to be active but afterwards pretty much sucked.

Day 8 - I am Becoming Aware of Myself as a Game Master

And so I have surpassed my initial goal of a 7-day fast. I'm now at 8 and I feel grrrreat!  That said, I have had moments where I'm tempted to pop the cork on one of the bottles of Tribunal currently stored in my kitchen cabinet.

I found out a little more about Tribunal as I was chatting it up with one of the Trader Joe's reps.  Kenwood bottles Tribunal and both the name and the recipe is exclusive to Trader Joe's.   You can't get it anywhere else and most of the year, you can't even get it at Trader Joe's.  I made it a point to stock up on this year's shipment.  It's a constant temptation while I'm fasting.  But I'm still here drinking my juice, water, the occasional glass of almond milk and coconut water.  Oh, and herbal tea.  I'm allowed to have that, as well.

I also started brushing my teeth with soap.  Yesterday, I got concerned with the toothaches and gums bleeding.  Whether or not this is a result of detoxing and the fast doesn't really matter.  The point is I like my teeth and I have no intention of parting with them. 

I did some research on holistic remedies and apparently plain old hand soap does the trick.  It kills all the bacteria in your mouth.  Both flouride and glycerin are found in toothpaste. While natural toothpastes like Tom's or the Trader Joe's brand do not include flouride, they do have glycerin which coats the teeth and doesn't enable them to remineralize. 

I spent hours reading testimonials from people who used soap to brush their teeth and I couldn't find one single negative review or skeptic commentary refuting that it works.   Every single one raved about how dramatically their oral hygiene improved since using it.  I used it yesterday and today and my gums haven't bled and I haven't had a toothache.  So it tastes kind of funky. Apparently, there are some brands that release overpriced tooth soap that mask the taste of soap with peppermint or cinnamon.   No thanks.  I'll stick to my $2 bar of Irish Spring.

I feel good and my skin looks really good. Today, I concocted the best juice I've had all week.  1/2 a cantaloupe, a large handful of cherries and a large handful of blueberries. 

Lucky for me, my juicer does juice cherries with the pits.  Apparently, it's one of the few juicers that does.  Eat your heart out, fucking Champion.  I have to send that juicer back as the WD40 remedy didn't work.  Can't wait to find out just how much it will cost me to ship. 

My only problem with the Omega VRT350 is that it ejects a lot of pulp in the juice.  I got a strainer but it's a bitch straining because the pulp is still very watery and I feel that by discarding it, I'm discarding juice so I sit there and attempt to squeeze the juice out of the pulp with a spoon which takes a while.  That said, the quality of the juice from the Omega is so much better than the quality of juice from the Champion. 

I got a lot to do today and not a whole lot of time.  Was disappointed that both jobs that I phone interviewed with last week didn't transpire.  I can only believe that this is all for a reason and trust....the unknown.

Day 7 - El Chupacabra

I remember hearing about the Chupacabra when I was younger.  Not sure who told me but it's possible that it was someone in my family since we're Latin and the Chupacabra is Latin folklore.  El Chupacabra is kinda like the Latin version of Bigfoot.   I had forgotten about it until years later when I saw an episode of the X-files dedicated to El Chupacabra.

Today I went to a farm out in wine country to buy some produce and saw this sign.  I had to stop and take a picture.  I just had to.

Day 6 continued...

Wow.  I just got a total surge of energy.  It feels wonderful. 

I also recalled a pretty fucked up dream I had last night.  In it, I was hanging out with my neighbor.  A husband and wife live next door but in the dream I was hanging out with the wife.  She's very nice only very old fashioned and proper.  Let's just say I could never tell her about my NYC exploits or she would gasp and look at me differently.

In the dream she was entertaining a bunch of housewives.  There was a pastor there.  He walked up to me and asked if I wanted to join the bible study and I yelled in his face, "I'm Jewish!" and then walked away.  I was afraid that he would tell my neighbor and I didn't want her to think poorly of me so I walked up to him and apologized.  Then I told him about my aversion to Christianity and why.  Then I grabbed his cock and whispered in his ear, "Enough talk about religion. Let's go someplace and fuck." 

He was more than happy to go with me and all the while I kept thinking what a piece of shit phony he was but in my dream I was horny.  Then we walked into a secluded place and started having sex.  I woke myself up having an orgasm.

Is this related to my juice fast?  Do I secretly want to have sex with a preacher?  And just why was I hanging out with a bunch of housewives?

It sort of disturbs me.

Day 6 of Juice Fast - Healing Crisis

Well, I'm back on track.  I got my Omega VRT350 yesterday and started juicing last night.  It's almost new.  She said she used it a couple of dozen times and I believe her.  She's an older lady and seems sweet.  So, I got a killer deal on this machine.  Of course, I'm still not happy about having to dip into my emergency fund.  But, I really don't want to stop this fast.

Day 5 - Champion Juicer is an overpriced hunk of garbage

Man, I'm pissed.  Not only am I pissed, I'm fucking starving!!!

Day 5 of my juice fast.  Woke up early again (3:45 am)... didn't really get the sleep I was hoping for.  No headache, though!  I actually felt good this morning so I went to restorative yoga which is basically meditation in different poses--not at all active like hatha yoga but I didn't want to overdo it.  My yoga teacher said my skin is glowing (or something to that effect... my memory cannot recall verbatim because I'm fucking starving!!).

Day 4 - Juice Fast

Wish I could say today is better than yesterday but, unfortunately, I didn't sleep so well last night... I fell asleep later than usual and woke up at 3:20 am by the sound of my air purifier.  When the hepa filter needs cleaning, it makes an awful beeping noise. Thanks Rabbit, BioGS for ruining my 3rd consecutive night of juice fast slumber.  Bitch.

I was up for a couple of hours and then fell asleep again for a little while.  When I got up again, I felt foggy and wanted coffee.  I also had a headache.  Wasn't this supposed to be the day when the sun came out and the clouds lifted while operatic music filled my head and heart with warm fuzzies not cold pricklies?

Juice Fast Headaches

For real....

Day #3 of Juice Fast

Today I feel a zillion times better than I did on the first two days of my fast.  Last night I, again, had a terrible headache and went to bed early (7:30ish).  Unfortunately, my neighbor chose that time to mow the lawn---this is one of the downsides of long summer days and a neighbor who obsesses over the lawn (upside being access to their awesome vegetable garden).  I appreciate that my neighbors are so passionate about making the exterior of the house look so stupendous. Last night, however, I didn't appreciate it at all.  No fucking way.

I crashed almost immediately after the clamor of the lawn mower ceased.  And, again, I slept like a baby.  I woke up at 4:30 am and couldn't get back to sleep.  Then it occurred to me that I didn't want to.  I felt damn good.  No headache.

First 2 Days of Juice Fast

The night before Day #1, I started getting a headache.  Perhaps it's a result of weening off the coffee, sleep meds and wine plus infusing more greens into my juicing regimen.  I also hadn't been eating a whole lot in the days leading up to it.  I nibbled throughout the day and in the evening had dinner.  The pain in my head was so bad Friday night that I could feel a vein in my forehead pulsating.

When I woke up Saturday, I felt hungover.  Not having my coffee was cruel but I persevered.  I juiced all day but felt nauseous, had a headache from hell and my shoulder started to hurt.  There were moments where I felt better but ultimately, I'd get back to that place where I didn't want to get out of bed.  At night, I couldn't sleep so I took a melatonin.  It's natural so I figure it's better than the countless other OTC/pharm meds that I've taken for insomnia.  That melatonin was the best thing I could have done for myself as I slept like a baby.  I cannot recall sleeping that well this year...

I woke up feeling much better.  The pain of not having my coffee wasn't as brutal as the previous day.  I have juiced throughout the day.  My neighbor gave me clippers and told me to take one of the five celery plants in her planter boxes.  I have so much celery, it should last beyond the rest of the fast (if it ends up being 7 days.  I may extend to 10).  I have to wash it, though, which is bitch especially when I feel like utter garbage.  She also gave me a bag of Kale... it, too, needs to be washed.  I'm about halfway done with all the washing.  It's so awesome that the vegetable garden is harvesting right around the time that I decided to do this fast.  Tomatoes should be ready to pick later this week.

Hunger pains come and go, I'm weak, tired and somewhat delirious if I exert myself (like harvesting/cleaning the veggies from the garden).  My headache is still terrible and I will miss my Sunday ritual of True Blood and red wine but I'm proud of myself for keeping on with it...

While today is a little better than yesterday, I'm hoping that tomorrow is even better.  Supposedly by the 3 to 4th day, hunger pains fade and the overall unpleasant phase of the fast fades. 

Last meal

I just had my last solid meal before my fast.  Low carb pasta w/ my homemade artichoke pesto and goat cheese along w/ a Boddington's pub ale which is the best beer on the planet.  I eat relatively healthy as it is.  I make a lot of my dishes from scratch like pesto and soups... My cuisinart food processor and Champion juicer are my most used accessories (besides my Cuisinart grind and brew coffee maker).

My fridge is full of fruits and veggies.  I couldn't fit in anymore if I tried.  It cost about $70 and it's not even for the full week.  The majority are organic but I still had to buy some non-organic.  My friend lives in Berlin and he told me that he gets organic vegetables delivered to his door and they're very reasonably priced.  Apparently, they're in abundance there.  Here in California, i couldn't even find a fucking organic Granny Smith apple and I went to 3 stores.

Anyway, tomorrow is the day.  I'm nervous and kind of excited too.  Don't know what to expect.  My yoga teacher told me to go to restorative yoga on Wednesday as it would be good for what I'm trying to accomplished--- not too intensive but still mastering poses.

This is a true test of discipline.

The epitome of cool

When I was a child, I religiously tuned into ABC every Tuesday night to watch Happy Days.  Like most kids my age, it was all about The Fonz.  He was so cool, my mom even bought me a Fonz tshirt.  I wore it to school with pride.

In retrospect, did I really think Fonzie was cool or was he just cool because it was drummed into my brain at such a young age that there was nothing on God's green earth cooler than The Fonz?  I was only 7 when Happy Days premiered. Had I tuned into my inner cool radar yet?  Just when does one get a true sense of who they are and what resonates with them?  I still wonder.

Somewhere in Between

2 more days till I start my juice fast.  I am exhausted today due to the fact that I didn't take any of my sleep aides last night.  I slept maybe 5 hours. I also had only one (and a half) cups of coffee this morning...  I juiced ginger and lemon and mixed it with hot water because I read that it was a good mental stimulant...apparently it stimulates a few other things too...

I'm making it a point to juice what fruits/veggies that I've already had in my fridge so that they don't go bad.   Then tomorrow I shop.  I usually only shop twice a week but, in an effort to ensure the veggies are as fresh as can be, I will go tomorrow and again on Tuesday.

Yesterday's mish mosh cocktail wasn't so bad... today's wasn't very good.

Lots of celery from the garden (about 20 stalks)
1.5 small organic apples (couldn't do 2 because it was partly bruised)
1 large beet

It ended up being a pretty massive glass.   I drank it in spite of the fact that it didn't go down well.   It hasn't really sat well either.  My stomach has been not so happy...  In fact, I opted not to go for a walk. I'm just too tired and don't want to stray too far from my comfort zone... God forbid something happen and I don't really think I need to go into detail in regard to just what I'm referring to...

That happened to me once in NYC.  I got food poisoning at work and took a cab home.  I worked midtown and lived in the village so the commute wasn't an easy one.  In the cab, I proceeded to get violently ill... everything was coming out both ends and I was not only physically disgusted but mortified.  The middle eastern cab driver pulled over and started yelling at me to get out of his cab and I refused to. I ended up giving him all my cash (which was about $25 more than the fare) plus  a pack of Nat Sherman cigarettes just to get him to drop me off at my doorstep.   Needless to say, I was not happy.

Perhaps I'm starting to purge already considering I've decreased (and even cut out) certain habitual toxins these last few days and boosted my green juice intake.  Plus I added Psyllium Husk to my diet since it was recommended.  Not sure.  I really hope to sleep well tonight.

I'm not weighing myself or anything.  I judge my size by how my clothes fit.  I can tell I've lost weight since going on the thyroid meds because some of my clothes are super loose.  There are clothes I outgrew after my mom died that I'm hoping to fit back into after this little respite from solid food and toxic fluids...

Tomorrow I have a phone interview with a performing arts center in the Bay area... it's for a marketing position and it would require me to move eventually which is okay...  San Francisco would be more accessible as I'd have access to the BART.  Right now, the only way I can get into SF is to drive either into the city which is a bitch or drive to Larkspur (Marin county) and  take the fairy into the city.  Then there's that matter of getting around the city.  SF definitely does not have the transit system NYC does.

While on the topic of NYC, if the opportunity arose, I'd move back.  I miss it.  Not only does it have the largest theatre community in the country, I also have a lot of friends there.

When I win the lotto, I will probably move back to NYC.  In the interim, though, I juice....

Here's to happiness

That juice I had earlier put a hell of a spring in my step...  I had one of the best walks ever.  It was not too hot and there was a wonderful cool breeze.  In spite of it being the 4th, there wasn't an abundance of traffic. I felt infused with energy and sensitive to all that was around me. From the music in my ipod to the trees swaying in the breeze to the smell of jasmine in the air, I was tuned in to everything.

In my current residence, I occupy the granny unit...which is really a Northern California term.  It basically means a converted space in a house that occupies a standalone unit.  I think my place used to be the garage but don't let that give you the wrong impression.  I have a full kitchen, a nice bathroom with a jacuzzi tub and a washer/dryer... in LA, this place would cost considerably more than what it costs me here.   It's small but it's home.  My neighbors occupy the main house. 

Juiceperimentation

In preparation for the big day, I'm experimenting with veggies I already had in my fridge.  Plus my neighbor just brought me a huge (and I mean HUGE) bag of celery from the garden.  She said I could help myself to the Kale that's ready to harvest.   If that ain't the universe's way of saying, "You go, girl!", then I don't know what is....

I just juiced the following and it's actually pretty good considering it was my own concoction.

A lot of celery (about 20 stalks but the stalks are really tiny and not like typical store-bought celery)
1 large cucumber
3 thin organic carrots
1 organic red apple

I'd say this was comprised mostly of celery.  The apple and carrots help sweeten it up.

I've experimented in the past and was stuck with juice that tasted like ass (or ahem.. what I would imagine ass to taste like, of course).

This concoction did give me a nice little surge of energy.  Got the Dum Dum Girls on my ipod and am heading up to my solitary hill....

G'day (an homage to Joe Cross)...

Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead

I saw this documentary last night on Netflix.  My yoga teacher had recommended it last year and I just now got around to watching and I'm glad I did...

It inspired me to go on a 7 day juice fast.  While I'm not morbidly obese, I could stand to lose a few pounds and my body could definitely use the detoxing.  I have been juicing for a while now... in fact, I had started juicing in LA over a decade ago.  I had a Juiceman Jr. and I loved making carrot/beet/apple juice before a long bike ride. Back then I was in the best shape of my life.  Today, not so much...

I even got my mom to buy the Juiceman Jr and she was juicing.  When I moved to Florida to care for her, I made her juice daily and she said it made her feel more energetic.  I stopped only because it was expensive and I couldn't afford it.  No wonder people in America are so out of shape and unhealthy.... it's less expensive to eat crap than health food.  They don't call Whole Foods "Whole Paycheck Foods" for nothing...

Made For Radio

This is genius.

Unemployed in Summertime

Unemployed in Summertime by Emiliana Torrini has become my song of choice lately...  I am constantly amazed at the power of music and how a song can trigger a deep emotion.  When I used to perform, I'd use music to get me in the headspace of the character.

This song, in particular, used to trigger a really sad memory for me from when I was my mom's caregiver.  It was the summer of 2008 and the last one i would spend with my mom.  Things were bad because of my siblings.  That summer I did everything I could to maintain my sanity.  I meditated religiously, walked a lot and saw a therapist on a sliding scale at Jewish Family Services.  I love the people at that place.  I really owe them my sanity.

That summer was when my mom really started deteriorating.  I had been caring for her for a year already and my siblings had done NOTHING.  Actually, they did something: created more work for me to do.   They loved to just stop in and leave a mess for me to clean up.  I told my mom that I didn't want my siblings around unless they were going to contribute---either take her to the hospital or one of her many doctors appointments or stay with her for a few days so I could escape (I had friends in Florida that kept telling me I was looking mighty stressed during that time)...

Can you dig it? Yes, I can!

Today it occurred to me that Independence day is a hop, skip and a jump away.  Whatever shall I do?  I have no invitations, no plans, commitments--no nothing.  I think I will drink wine on the deck, gaze blissfully on the horizon while listening to British-invasion music.  Just another day in wine country....

I am a first generation American girl.  Both my parents are from Ecuador.  My dad was a full-blooded Ecuadorian.  He moved to the US w/ my mom in the 50's.  They lived in NYC for a while and then moved to Miami.  That was when he got a job in a bank where he worked for almost 30 years.  My dad was an alcoholic but I'll give him props because he always worked hard in spite of his vices.  When he retired, it was with a pension although his liver was shot....

A Question of Time

The last time I can recall looking at a clock last night before bed, it was around 10:30.  I had just finished brushing my teeth and was dancing with Magic to Marianne Faithfull's, The Mystery of Love....

Shortly after, I went to bed.  I didn't fall asleep but rather dealt with the random thoughts that invaded my psyche.

The Place That Shall Not Be Named

Tonight I got an email from someone I worked with at that place.. the place that shall not be named.  He tracked me down via LinkedIn.  Apparently, he was treated the same way I was and he no longer works there.  Exnay on the etailsday.

He wanted advice.  My advice to him wasn't advice at all it was a congratulatory verbal high-five.

I liked this guy a lot.  He started working only a few weeks before I was laid off.  He's older but well-educated, spiritual and had a little something that I'm quite fond of called a personality.  I knew right when I met him that he was not long for that place.   At the place that shall not be named, you can't have any of those things to have longevity let alone all three...

As I told him how much better my overall demeanor and value of self-worth was since I got laid off, I suddenly felt better than I've felt in a long time.  I guess I had to hear myself say it in order for it to click.  And it did...

Life ain't so bad, dammit.  It's gorgeous outside.  I went to TJ's today and Tribunal is still on sale.  I bought a ton of veggies and have been juicing my heart out, doing yoga and feeling pretty wonderful.  The sun is setting now behind the vineyards on the horizon while a cool breeze soothes....I got an interview request from a potential employer that sounds interesting...

So, I say to my former colleague, "this is good.  welcome to the first day of the rest of your life."

And we laughed...

I yoga'd

Back last year and early this year when I was obsessed with yoga, I got a bunch of at home yoga DVD's... Rodney Yee, Sadie Nardini, Ali McGraw/Erich Schiffmann which is one of my personal faves as it's shot in the desert almost like a music video and they use DCD as one of the musical tracks.  And then there's Bryan Kest who is this cheesy yoga instructor with long curly hair, ripped jeans, no shirt who speaks with a thick Brookyn accent but whose workout always kicks my ass in a "Oh wow, I hurt but feel fucking wonderful" kinda way....

Red, Red Wine...

I've been drinking wine since I was a rebellious teenager.  My mom used to have wine tasting parties once a month.  Every now and then, my mom would let me have a taste...  Mom liked Sherry but I could never appreciate it as much as she.  She drank a lot of wine back then that I would never drink now.  Back then, though, I didn't know anything about wine except that you drank it and it made you feel all warm and fuzzy and good inside....  Hell, I drank MD 20/20 and thought it rocked. 

Over the years, my taste in wine has evolved but these last three years-- living in the wine zone of the world--I've become much more educated on wine than I ever thought I would be.  I could even tell the difference between... say a Syrah and a Zinfandel if I were blindfolded.  Zinfandel happens to be one of my favorites. I find that I'm partial to blends that have a strong zin base.

I tried to get up but I could not find my feet

Today, as I walked up my hill I realized that over the years I have evolved into a very solitary person.  Back in NYC, I couldn't get enough of people.  I was as social as it gets.  Every night it was a different bar/club/film/play.  How things change...

Now, I have absolutely no social life aside from hanging with my neighbors but it's not like I'm going anywhere.  I open my back door and ta da!  I'm on the deck which is the central point for many of our summer gatherings.  It overlooks the vineyards and it's fucking beautiful.  Maybe this is all about being in my comfort zone and not wanting to delve out of it.  I'm a coward.

Free Money

Suffering from a bit of a hangover this morning....  Last night's BYOT Summer Solstice party was fun.  Turns out not many people brought any talent.  I was surprised that out of all the actors in attendance, I was the only one who did a monologue.  A couple of actors didn't do anything.  Kind of rude.  If you go to a party that has a theme of performing and you're a performer, you're just going to kick back and watch others? 

I did my monologue and got an award for "best talent".  Ain't that sweet?  Of course, considering who I was up against, it would've been incredibly offensive if I had lost. 

Audrey

Tonight I'm going to a Bring Your Own Talent party...  a friend of mine who I haven't seen in over a year invited me.  It's to celebrate the Summer solstice but everyone who attends needs to demonstrate a talent of theirs.  I know a lot of actors will be there as I know the host from an acting venture I was part of a couple of years ago.  It was a lot of fun but unfortunately it was not a success.

Golden Years

A couple of years before she died, my mom gave me this thick and heavy 18 ct gold necklace.  Her father had given it to her many years before.  Since she had been through the ringer with my sister, she gave it to me... or maybe she just wanted me to have it. She gave me other jewelry...pearls, her mother's ring and a really unique smoky topaz ring.

In any case, I'm not a big gold person.  I really like the smoky topaz ring even though it's gold.  I had it resized a few years ago and wear it often.  The rest, though... not really my style.  I could see me one day wearing the pearls but that gold necklace has been sitting in a drawer since I moved here..and before that, it was in another drawer...and before that, another one...

I knew it was worth something.  It had been appraised at 2,000 in the 80's but that was based more on design and not the value of gold.  This would simply be bought for its gold value and melted down.  I went to a pawn shop on Monday to sell it... I expected it would pay for at least half of my voiceover demo.  I was surprised that they offered me considerably more than I expected.  The lady asked me if I wanted to sell it.  I told her yes.  She asked me for my ID and, next thing I knew I was in tears.  I told her it was my mom's who passed away a few years ago and I just realized I wasn't ready to sell it.

Then I got home and kicked myself.  The pawn shop is in Santa Rosa which is a bit of a drive for me (considering I hate driving and I rarely stray far from a 15 mile radius).  I started monitoring the price of gold and it has dropped every day since Monday.

I want to do this voiceover demo.  I will continue to check the price of gold online and as soon as it jumps back up to what it was (and hopefully over), I will go back to the pawn shop and sell it.  My mom would want me to be happy.  I don't want to live my life wondering what would've happened if I had pursued my aspirations to do voiceover work.

I emailed a friend of mine in LA who does VO to pick his brain.  He said his agent does very little and he has to hustle for most of his work.  That doesn't seem too different from the acting world...

My agent was useless.  I remember I was taking this acting class.  One night I did a scene.  I had to leave early so as soon as the scene was over, I left.  As I was walking out the door, someone grabbed my arm and called my name.  He told me that I did great work and he was glad to see me.  I thanked him and sort of looked at him blankly.  He said, "I'm Steve." (blank).  "Your agent?".  That's how often I saw him...

He sent me on an audition here and an audition there but most of the work I got in the ten years I lived in LA, I got on my own.