I mostly want to continue because I want to have some sort of spiritual awakening or clarity of mind but, clearly, I'm still detoxing. On a few occasions, I've felt completely present and in the moment. At times, I've had moments of euphoria where I'm completely enjoying whatever I'm doing no matter how mundane. This happens a lot as I'm slicing and dicing veggies/fruits to juice and listening to music really loud. While I'm still paying off my THX-certified surround sound system, I have no regrets. Listening to music has elevated to a whole new level....
Some musicians are meant to be listened to really loud because the vocals are so intense. Lisa Gerrard/Dead Can Dance, Maria Callas, Nina Simone, Portishead/Beth Gibbons, Sinead O'Connor and Kate Bush are a few I have really enjoyed listening to at high volume. The beauty of living out in the country is that no one cares. Of course, the people I share the house with might but I make sure to crank the stereo when they're not home....
Yesterday I defriended my sister on Facebook and sent her an email telling her I never wanted to speak to her again. She hired a very close friend of mine to do some design work for her. He owns his own graphic design business and he took her on because she's my sister.
This friend of mind isn't just a friend, he's a reference. I met him at a Hollywood studio I worked at. He was an art director and we hit it off. He ended up leaving to start his own design company. When my dad died, he was supportive and there for me. When I was broke, he'd take me out to dinner. He hired me to write copy for DVD packaging, mailer ads and scripts that he was designing and paid me quite well. When my mom came to visit, he took us out to eat at a nice Thai restaurant and flipped the bill. He remembered my birthday. The last night I spent in LA was on his couch (as I had already sold my futon). He's given me job references on a number of occasions. He's more family to me than she could ever be.
Cliff notes version: She didn't like what he did. He claims she didn't give him direction. He pulled out of the project and wants her to pay a "kill" fee which is standard. She ignored him. He emailed me. I emailed her. She ignored me for a while and when she finally got back to me it was to tell me that she had no intention of paying him and it was none of my business. Actually, it is given the fact that my friend is emailing me about it. So I got stuck paying the bill. I just paypal'd the money to my friend and I haven't heard back from him which is upsetting especially since I didn't have the money to spend and I dipped into my emergency fund.
My sister is disgusting. I've had to put up with her hypocritical bullshit for years. I cut her out of my life right after my mom died. When her son committed suicide, I felt obligated to go to Florida which I swore I would never do. My sister put on a show at his memorial. It was a big Christian freak show and I had gone through that shit twice already---at my dad's memorial and then again at my mom's.
My two friends from my goth days came to the memorial all decked out in black and body piercings which really made me happy as the bible-thumping attendees thought we were Satan worshipers. My friends knew my nephew better than any of the douchebags in attendance. I used to babysit him back in the 80's when they were around.
During the memorial, we passed notes back and forth about what a joke it was. My sister got up, gave some lame speech about how her son became depressed when he moved away from Jesus. She held a shirt that Adam wore when he was 8 that said "Jesus is my hero" and went on about Adam's faith when he was younger. Adam believed in Santa Clause when he was 8 too, you fucking idiot. She then raised her hands up in the air in a gesture to Jesus. It was a mockery and my nephew would not have approved.
My sister played the grieving mother card forever and it got old. Yes, we know your son committed suicide and you're hurting. She uses this pain to manipulate people. She told a cop who pulled her over for speeding to get out of a ticket and the bank to get out of paying her debt. She did this constantly.
My sister is a realtor and she reminds me of the Annette Benning character in American Beauty only a crazier, right wing Christian version. She decided that she didn't want to do real estate anymore and she wanted to find a real job. There was one in particular she was excited about and they had scheduled an interview with her. I tried to give her tips and told her not to talk about Adam. She was offended by this. Why not??? I told her if she didn't want the job, then talk about him. She thrives on sympathy.
She got Adam's facebook password and started deleting his friends that she didn't like. Then she'd fill in his "likes'. She also regularly posts on his page about her "pain". She learned nothing from her son's death and that is what is truly tragic.
The film "Prayers For Bobby" is worth watching. It's very similar to what happened with my nephew. The mother is a right wing Christian fundamentalist who disapproves of her son's sexuality. He kills himself. But rather than play the martyr, the mother accepts her son and later becomes an advocate for gay equality. When I saw that movie, it made me cry for days..
Adam's death was in vain.
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